To not really be enjoying motherhood?

[Hellskitchen24]

Is it wrong to admit that I’m not enjoying motherhood at all? I’m over 3 months in and it’s been the hardest time of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter, but I’ve never been so exhausted by the monotony of it.

My daughter doesn’t sleep. She’s up every 1-2 hours all night. She’s breast fed and I have to feed her back off to sleep. I’ve not slept for more than 2 hours in a row since I had her 12 weeks ago. Everyone said it would get better with sleeping etc after 12 weeks but it’s actually got worse. She refuses to take bottles (I have a whole cupboard of different brands and teets) of either formula or expressed milk, so there is no let up for me with the breast feeding. I have tried SO hard to get her to take a bottle but I’ve given up now.

Things I have tried to get her to sleep better: co sleeping (makes her behave worse), taking her to bed earlier or later (no different), swaddling (hated it). She’s in a next to me crib, not too hot or too cold, has white noise on. She is wide awake from 5am every day so that is when my day starts.

Then day times are just spent with her fussing and trying to get her to nap, which she battles tooth and nail. When she finally goes down (for about an hour if I’m lucky, often 30-40 minutes) that’s my time to do things around the house. Then she’s up and the cycle repeats again. I’m so tired. I’m having to take painkillers daily now as having to carry and rock her all day is killing my back. She will sit in her chair or play gym for short periods then it’s back to fussing, where she doesn’t want to be held, doesn’t want to lay down, doesn’t want to sit up and then just starts screaming.

My day is literally spent dealing her crying or trying to get her to sleep. I don’t do anything other than sit on the sofa and feed her when she’s not fussing. I feel like I’ve completely lost any sense of who I was before her, like I’m a shell of myself. I took her out to meet a friend a week ago and honestly the stress of getting her out in the car with 20 million accessories and dealing with her fussing wasn’t worth it.

I’m a sole parent so there is no partner involved. I have friends and family but they are scattered about and none help beyond popping in to see us briefly for an hour. I don’t know what they could do anyway as she’s breast fed. Also it doesn’t help that everyone I know who’s had babies have had them sleeping through the night really quickly. I don’t know what the point of this post is.

YANBU - more people need to admit the shit parts so we all feel more normal, not this "enjoy every second" shite. Who actually enjoys interrupted sleep and being puked on??

Kindly, it feels like you have got yourself into a negative spiral. You can't "make" her sleep, you can only provide opportunities - the rest is up to her. Can you just decide to remove the pressure - take her out to things you fancy doing while she is small enough to not want to be running off etc. Walks, nice coffee shops, look round the shops, museums, open gardens..... Whatever you fancy! She can nap or not but seems like at the moment the sleep has become the focus of your day and it isn't working for anyone.

Locally we have social things like buggy walks where you could meet some other mums too - no one will care if your baby cries at stuff like that as they will all be having a go at some point!

I do say all this with hindsight as I found babies really hard but getting out the house helped and realising that "fighting" the baby all day just made us both worse. She will improve and grow up, nothing is forever.

I promise the newborn period does not represent motherhood. Fast forward a few months to when your baby is sitting up, crawling, eating some solids and babbling away from you and it gets much more rewarding. Also the more active they are and the more the eat the better they sleep. It does get better, it's ok to not be loving this phase, it's hardwork!

Having a bad sleeper is brutal, as are the first 3 months of motherhood. Most just don’t admit it.

The good news is that you are closer to better times when baby is doing more and at 5 months, you can sleep train her - if you agree with that. It was a sanity saver for me after not having slept for more than 2 hours straight for 5 months!

Having a bad sleeper is brutal, as are the first 3 months of motherhood. Most just don’t admit it.

The good news is that you are closer to better times when baby is doing more and at 5 months, you can sleep train her - if you agree with that. It was a sanity saver for me after not having slept for more than 2 hours straight for 5 months!

I had thoughts of, "my god what I have done?!" Up until they were around 2/3.
It's bloody hard - noone can ever prepare you for how hard it is.
It will get easier in different ways. I'm at 4 & 5 now and the only thing that's hard is the whining and arguing. Other than that they are finally a lot of fun!

The tiny baby days can be brutal! I definitely didn't "enjoy" any of my babies very much, I loved them and felt proud when I kept them alive 😁 but it is relentless and exhausting.

I hate the "enjoy every minute" brigade. When do we actually enjoy EVERY minute, of anything?!

It's hard but you got this, OP. It'll change and get easier and harder and different all at once along the way but you'll have a thousand wonderful moments alongside it all ♥️

But right now, it's fine you aren't enjoying it cos looking after tiny babies all the time is shit 😂

It's so hard. The idea we should be enjoying it is mad and just unnecessary pressure so put that out of your head. The first few months at the very least is survival.

Can you put her in a sling and just carry her around while you do stuff in the house/gobfor a walk? She might drop off eventually and it will save your back. This has saved my sanity many times

I feel this post so much. I was there with you a couple of years ago. A few things that might be worth trying:
Chiropractor - maybe your baby is uncomfortable in her tummy/hips/bowels and that's why settling her is hard; and they can assess and help. Some of my boy's best sleeps were immediately after a chiro session.
A decent sling - mine only really regularly napped for more than 30 mins when I had him in the sling. Saves your back and arms as well.
Get outside every day without fail - put her in the sling and just walk. The motion helps soothe them and the movement and sunlight will help your mood.
Garden - do you have a garden or nearby park? Lay her on a rug and let her look up - trees moving fascinates them and keeps them quiet (er).
I promise you, it does get easier with time. Every 3 months you will see a difference, but it is SO bloody hard when you're in the trenches. I know, and I want to give you a big hug. You CAN do this. Your strength and willpower will carry you through and out the other side.

It's so hard OP. It will get better, I promise.

I could write a really long response thatt youre probably too knackered to read but the gist of it is, it gets better. Promise. Hang in there 🙏

One little tip that I didn't know. Don't switch boob too often. The fore milk is runny and doesn't fill them up. I was switching sides every 20 minutes and she was never satisfied. You might already be doing this, so apologies if I'm telling you something you already know.

My ds settled when I put him in a sling. It meant I could go out for a walk or to a coffee shop. And I learnt to sleep when he did. Sod the housework, if his eyes are shut, yours should be too.

Almost no one enjoys this stage, so I’d remove that expectation and associated pressure from yourself. I was googling ‘adoption services’ at 3 am when DS was that age.

I would stop trying to alter things for now. Just sit on the sofa and let her nap on you. Think what you can do to make sure you’re properly fed and nourished yourself. Doze and watch old films. Ask friends to deliver you food or help with the bare minimum of housework. You don’t need to ‘solve’ any of this. It will just get better on its own, very gradually. And you get all of your old self back. It hasn’t gone anywhere.

And solidarity. It’s godawful.

It's really hard when you're in the midst of it but it really is true that the days are long but the years are short. As a mother of teens the main thing I've learned about children is, all things will pass. Just do your best and let everything non-vital go right now. If your baby is fed, clean and loved, that's all that matters. The rest will follow. Before you know it they grow up.

Don't feel bad for not enjoying it much at the moment - lack of sleep and a fussy baby is so hard! My advice is don't spend ages trying to get her to nap - stick her in the pram/pushchair/buggy and get out and walk in the fresh air every day - you will honestly feel better for it. Try feeding one side only for longer as a PP said - getting the richer hindmilk will hopefully help baby to go longer between feeds. If she's restless/fussy, it's probably wind - look into baby massage techniques to release it. Most of all, don't be hard on yourself, you're not doing anything wrong - these early months are tough and you are doing it alone, you're a bloody warrior!

OP you poor thing you sound completely exhausted! I’m so sorry you’re having a such tough time, it sounds completely brutal and I can’t imagine doing it all as a solo parent so honestly I think you’re coping amazingly well!

I have a four month old so I’m a few weeks ahead of you, and IMO making the effort to get out and about is so so worth it, it just helps you feel a bit more human and connected with the world. I’ve found baby groups and classes completely invaluable for my own mental health, and the bonus is being out and about and exposed to different sights and sounds really wears my DS out. His best sleeps are after baby sensory and swimming lessons. It’s definitely stressful getting out of the house and I used to be so worried about him crying in public, but it’s honestly worth it and you’re never the only one dealing with a screaming baby, they all seem to take it in turns so one of them is always fussing, and it’s just nice to know you’re not the only person struggling!

Babies are hard work they are much more interesting when they become little people and you can interact with them.

DD was like this as a baby. I can recommend going out as much as possible. She would sleep reasonably well in the pushchair or car, but was awful for naps at home. I took her out everyday expect weekends, I got to know all the local toddler and baby groups. As they where on different days, I also did baby swimming with her which was guaranteed to knock her out for a good sleep. To this day I think she was way to interested in looking around even from a few weeks old. She seemed to need the stimulation. Chocolate kept me going during the day or if you like coffee you could drink that.

My house was a mess and I hardly ever got housework done. But that changes as they get bigger and cobwebs will keep and babies don't. So as long as the basics are done try not to worry about it to much.

Ahhhhh OP, I remember this stage. I wanted to run away from DS at 3 months old! I fantasised about my old life an unhealthy amount. He’s nearly 8 now and I bloody adore him. I know it’s a cliche but everyone is saying it gets easier because it will!!

I second the sling suggestion. Worked very well for me. Also, I found my brain needed a break from thinking about him so I tried to occupy myself during his nap times with things I knew would consume my thoughts. He wouldn’t sleep for very long unless he was literally lying on me so I’d get comfortable somewhere, flask of coffee, some water, plenty of snacks and let him sleep on me for hours while I watched lectures on the great courses plus about art history or psychology or whatever it was that interested me and kept my brain occupied. It gave me my sense of self back (as I am a geek) and gave me something else to both think about AND talk about so while I couldn’t get physical space from him, I could get mental space from him if that makes sense.

Is there anything you really enjoy doing that you can get absolutely engrossed in to give you that sense of distance?

You're doing great. It's hard this bit, really hard. If you do have good friends/family nearby, ask them if they would come and watch the baby or take them for a walk while you have a shower/bath/ whip round with the hoover. People do want to help and will assume you are fine unless you say otherwise!

Perfectly normal.

Its hard work.

At that age you get very little back from them. Until you start to get feedback its not fun. 'Maternal instinct' and 'instant rush of love' are fairly bollocks for a lot of women too.

You are in the trenches. You will get out.

I found parenting soooo much better once I got a half decent amount of sleep; i do not function well on lack of sleep and i am a much better parent when ive slept.
i’m sorry you’re in such a hard stage but it does get better; I found the huckleberry app quite useful with sleep as it tracks what it happening and you can start to see patterns and what might help. Also any changes you make like bed earlier or later etc have to be implemented for at least a week to see if it changes anything. White noise helped one of my DC too- the Ewan sheep thing is good.

Basically its survive each day, day by day.

Do what you need to do survive. Don't expect too much more from life.

BUT don't forget to enjoy the moments that are good too.

Absolutely. I remember thinking that I am breaking my back for this little sociopath who is, for all intents and purposes, a stranger to me and I don’t even get so much as a smile 😂

Eventually I fell in love with him so hard and it wasn’t long after the three month mark, that it made it all more worthwhile. We all get there at different times.

Liking this stage is the exception rather than the rule

Yanbu and are not unusual.

Honeslty I hated it up until about 9m and vowed never to have another.

I am now fully obsessed with DC1 and we have a DC2
It gets easier. They get more rewarding amd at 1-18m when their personalities come out its really nice. I really like toddlers ypu can have a lot of fun.

Newborns are a sleep deprived drag....