To want to become glamorous and internationally successful in my mid40s

[Fragmentedbrain]

When I was at uni I did a year abroad and made loads of friends from Singapore, Australia, HK. They were amazing women and it was a great time. I had a lot of optimism for the future (ah the noughties)

We've since lost touch really. Now I'm a grey and sensible and medium successful professional in the UK. Firmly domestic horizons. I was catching up with them at the weekend and they are glossy glamazons in international arbitration, banking, all that stuff.

I realised that young me would be gutted by the dullness of adult me (don't get me wrong I feel grateful to be this level of dull it could be a lot worse but).

Anyway the fact is they're all beautiful and I'm not and I don't really see any internationally successful women who aren't beautiful. Men can look like they were grown by accident in a discarded petri dish and it does their prospects no harm while we are only as interesting as our looks to a lot of people (male and female tbh). It's long been a source of annoyance.But young beauty is God given while middle aged beauty can be bought.

So aibu to try to think it's feasible to quit this small grey realm and become someone who arbitrates internationally (whatever that is) at my age? (I do have the basic skillset and qualifications to do things a bit differently it's the face, genuinely, that has held me back all these years).

haha well I do worry also that might pounce on me at any moment

I don’t agree with the perception of all these successful people as being naturally beautiful or that being the reason for their success- the money they have earned allows them to spend money on maintaining a glamorous exterior.

I do sympathise with the feeling of “I haven’t made enough of my life” - there are a lot of things I would have liked to pursue in life but haven’t done so, mainly due not being able to visualise the steps needed to do it (that sounds wanky - in short I haven’t done the things needed for the career I would really have liked!)

I think you have to both appreciate those things you have achieved - “middling successful” is still a great achievement - and work out what you can do to improve the situation.

Having been internationally successful I can clearly state that the discarded Petri dish look didn’t do me any harm / in fact as it was a male environment it probably helped that i looked relatable rather than stunning

I can also state that being valued for my brain and my input to the field, being respected for what I did was the buzz and I can’t imagine getting that same amount of self respect from buying good looks - and I wouldn’t want to be part of a system that feeds the idea that looking good is a key criteria for a successful woman

Clearly something has hit a nerve. Have you lost yourself in domestic life and realised that you had dreams that have slipped.

Go for it!

I am mid 50s and probably more ambitious now in some ways especially as the DC are older.

So you are mid 40s, grey, look frumpy but want to be INTERNATIONALLY SUCCESSFUL! 😆 Like a pop star, or what? How you gonna achieve that worldwide fame? Doing exactly what?
okay….maybe you should address your delusion of grandeur first.

Is this a 40s thing? I'm only in my early 40s and having (sorry OP) delusions about things I'm ultimately not going to do. Moving abroad, having another child, changing my appearance.

I wonder whether something psychological happens around this age and we begin looking back at all of the things that could have been. I thought that my 40s would see the departure of the existential crisis that was my 30s - a time to look back and reflect on what I've achieved and be happy with what I have. Instead I've been ruminating about what my life could look like if I'd taken different decisions. Wondering whether this resonates with you, op?

There are plenty of women and men who have become successes in later years
Take a look at Gary Vee ( 49) and Cindy Gallop (65) who both became global successes in the business world in mid life and discuss this topic a lot. Maybe give them a follow for some inspiration!

You’ll no doubt get lots of hate OP but go for it. If you’re serious about changing your looks you need to see a plastic surgeon, absolutely nothing else will work to the same degree.
Life is so short. Ignore the haters.

It helps leaving the UK! I'm much more glamorous (well not this summer because I'm covered in baby pee!) than my stay at home friends. It's easier when better food, clothing, weather, health care and work-life balance are your normal

Most women who are successful in business are NOT lookers. I can tell you that with much confidence and experience and the only thing holding you back is your lack of confidence.

Most women in high professions get there via a myriad of routes and not always the ones everyone wants to take.

So, do what you want to do and don't blame success or failure on your looks.

Hm to be honest I don't think I could have been much different from how I was. I had bad anxiety and depression for most of my adult life and I am lucky to have a good friendship group and kind family so I got through and you wouldn't say I'm doing badly now. It's more just wondering if I should try for more. These women are seriously on another planet from me, socially and economically.

Changing your looks is fine if you want to. In my experience, internationally successful bankers, lawyers and arbitrators are not particularly glam.
What distinguishes them is a great education, hard work and focus. Not a weekly spray tan. ( Particularly since many of them are non- white and don't need them)

Go for it!

Do what makes you happy. Whether that’s a radical glow up I don’t know. Why don’t you start a Youtube channel aimed at older women. They can be very popular (I follow a couple). They’re not ‘glossy’ as such but I quite enjoy watching them live their ‘best life’ as older women.

Loved your petri dish comment, you sound fun and articulate, youtube is waiting for you 😁

I mean it sounds great and glamorous… but also quite a lot of effort.

Prioritise your mental health and psychological wellbeing over chasing a dream. I am a higher earner and these sorts of roles carry stresses and can become all consuming unless you are really strict with yourself.

Cherry pick those bits of their lives that would make you feel happy but recognise that the full package would probably include stresses and sacrifices that you may not want to make.

I mean I'm a higher earner too by UK standards. But this is quite a low earner by global standards. And I'm not sure if it's more work for the extra Dosh.

To be fair the being glossy all the time would be exhausting.

Plus in my current gig I don't meet too many psychos and that has a price above rubies

I’m well into 6 figures and I see how much additional time the C Suite spend on travel, client meetings and events before and after work etc. It’s a choice whether or not that appeals. Is the status and extra money worth the implications for your life. I am still debating with myself

I work in international arbitration. I look like a bag of spanners, but there is no denying that a lot of women in the field manage to stay pretty glam. A lot of them don’t have children (or if they do have a stay at home husband/partner). Some do have children and a working partner and are just amazing a juggling childcare, work, travel and fitting in visits to the waxer and nail bar.

International travel and late nights entertaining clients were fun in my 20s and 30s. Now I am pushing 50 they are just an exhausting chore. I have just today agreed to attend something overseas in person next month. I know it is going to be tough on my husband to carry 100% of the load when I am away. And I am going to come back absolutely shattered.

I will put some slap on and dig out the only suit that fits properly for when I am presenting, so those seeing me won’t see the knackered peri menopausal woman behind the facade.

This! I uses to do a lot of client stuff in my 20s and loved dressing up. Now I mainly wfh. Currently eating some hummous and breadaticks in my slippers on the sofa before my next meeting and I really don't like wearing shoes anymore 😂i used to wear 6 inch heels all day and fancy dresses but now I prefer PJs fromt he waste down. Occassionally I have to go to the office or a client overseas, maybe three times a year and it really annoys me that I have to wear shoes 😂

I mean this with kindness OP, people who are preoccupied with being ‘international’ or cosmopolitan or jet-set are usually dull, and often quite thick.

Absolutely!! Perhaps settle for your current job and a bit of a glow up? I've been at the mounjaro this year, bit of botox and a new haircut. Look much better but not enough to frighten the horses.

Or you could just have a reality check, reread what you wrote!