To leave because my husband is being aggressive

[Playdoughy]

...towards other people (for now).
He is going through a difficult period - but it has been almost 2 years now since that's been his excuse.
We've been together for a decade and this is not the same guy I knew.
He used to have and like his friends, used to be ambitious at work, patient and gentle.

He hates his job now (and his last job too), he abandoned friends, I think there is noone he genuinely likes at this point (myself included I sometimes think), but at least up untill few months ago he was keeping this to himself. Or was talking to me about injustice he sees, incompetence he encounters - all the things that trigger him.
He has recently started confronting random people everywhere. He'd shout at a guy for cutting the queue - calling him horrible names. He started kicking a guys bike in the middle of the street because the guy went through red (as most cyclists unfortunately do), he literally pulled him off a bike and started shouting at him and pushing him saying - wtf is wrong with y'all etc...
Then he shouted at a guy in tesco, almost got into a fight with a reckless driver the other day, every occurrence is getting more and more loud and physical.
Mind that the other person was always in the wrong - not obeying some sort of law or defeated common sense - but still its not his job to action this - he is putting himself and myself and our child in danger by causing scenes..It is now every single time we are out and about.

Now, while I could potentially sit still and hope this is a phase, he is slowly starting to move this behaviour into our home. Today our DS made a mess at dinner (as all kids his age do) and he shouted at him like a maniac. He never ever hit him or me or anything remotely close.
But he also never shouted at him like this - yet has just started.
I don't want to wait for another escalation, I am seriously thinking of just leaving....

Could he be using steroids? This often results in this kind of change in behaviour.

Has he any insight to how he’s behaving? Can he reflect? Is there remorse?

He sounds unhinged and heading for a mental breakdown.

Or as above could it be something he’s taking

I would be wanting him to go to the doctor as I would be really really worried about him.

I agree with others it sounds kind of biological like steroid effects. You would not be unreasonable to get you and your kids the hell away from him, he’s escalating.
He should perhaps visit the GP about his anger. Neurological things like brain tumours can also alter a person’s behaviour.

He doesn't sound well and it could be mental or physical but he's had a complete change of character. Someone I knew became very aggressive before having a breakdown.

He needs to get some help and in the meantime if he gets aggressive again I'd ask him to leave.

It doesn't matter AT ALL why he is doing it. You are not his counsellor, comfort blanket or anger management coach. GET YOUR CHILD OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW.

Ignore the attempts to turn you into his support worker you will receive on this thread.

Once the two of you are safe somewhere and only then you can explain that he needs help. Once the two of you are safe somewhere and only then you can find him resources, if you want to, and email or text them them to him.

If it is a mental health or health issue that STILL DOESN'T MATTER. What matters is that your child is safe. Get your child out of there right now. You can deal with the what ifs, if you choose to, once you are both safe.

It would be a cold day in Hell before I let someone scream at my child “like a maniac”. You need to take steps to protect yourself, and your son.

It sounds like he has mental health issues, or possibly addiction issues, so it's unlikely to be a phase that will just pass of it's own accord without professional help. Does he acknowledge his behaviour is a problem?
Yanbu to leave him, it must make your life with him extremely difficult.

GP asap

Addiction of some time? Steroids? Work stress of the level that causes a breakdown.

Can he tell you? Will he admit there is something wrong? Will he go to a GP.

If he won't admit there is anything wrong, and won't do anything about it, I think you need to get your dc away from him. Where can you go? Do you have family locally?

Woah. He's Mr angry isn't he ? It's not nice behaviour.

If it's totally out of character, I agree with others : GP.

Aggression and agitation can be a manifestation of depression, particularly In men.

Also, there are 'red flag' diagnoses where behaviour changes/personality changes/aggression can appear out of the blue such as brain tumours (I'm not suggesting that's a highly likely cause but just saying )

It’s not OP’s job to fix him. OP, it doesn’t matter if he hasn’t shouted at you yet. He shouted like a maniac at your dc, I would leave and protect my dc.

Is the house in both your names?

It's the sudden personality change that I find concerning. People don't usually suddenly become Mr angry to this extreme when they were previously not showing any signs of being that way. I'd definitely urge you both to think about GP. You'll have to word it tactfully, coming from a place of concern rather than attack. But obviously if you did want to leave him, that'd be your choice. Your line is wherever you want it to be.

Again, the reasons why your violent husband is being abusive to your child and other people DO NOT MATTER AT ALL.

Get your child out of there.

Please do leave asap and protect your child and yourself. Once you are in a place of safety, you can encourage him to get help for his behaviour. If he is willing, he should start by speaking to his GP. Personality changes like this can be caused by many things - stress, mental breakdown, drugs, many brain conditions. It sounds like he is going to end up being arrested if he carries on this way.

Put your safety and your child's safety first and get yourselves away from him - do you have somewhere to go? If he is aggressive towards you in the meantime and you feel unsafe, do call the police. They can remove him from the home if necessary.

It's a mixture of stress at work and general unfairness he is experiencing across the board.
When this all started a year ago he was willing to get mental support - and it helped. It was also expensive so he decided he is not getting anything more out of it and stopped. And he is now again becoming unhinged and aggressive - and doesn't trust my judgement that he needs professional help - again.
GP route - that suggestion will likely push him into mental breakdown too as there were issues we experienced on that front too - complete incompetence in his case (unrelated to mental state - that is the consequence) etc...
It's just the current state of affairs that gets to him - incompetence all around...
I don't know if I can help someone who claims he is fine .
House is in both our names, mortgage too.

@Playdoughy You can’t help him. Your priority is to ensure your safety, and that of your child. If he chooses not to seek support then that’s on him, he’s a grown man.

Your husband needs to recognise that he requires help, and to seek it. You can't fix him. If he's unwilling to accept he has an issue and seek help, then you have to prioritise your child and yourself. If that means leaving, then so be it.

This is a worrying escalation. When it's someone you love and you can recognise this isn't who they are/ were and you are aware of contributing factors it can be very hard to leave. You feel you are abandoning them and as women we are conditioned to stay and try to fix men. However, even if the real him is in there and even if this is a mental health episode, it doesn't mean it's not dangerous for you and your child, it doesn't mean your child isn't being damaged by it and they are your responsibility.

This is going to sound dramatic... The nice, family man who snaps and kills his family is a trope. We do know that very often it was not a nice family man and behind the public facade DV was going on for years. However, there are cases of men who had no/ little history of this committing horrific acts. It may be due to mental health issues, substance abuse, or that still in our society see no way to express anger, frustration and hopelessness other than through violence. Whatever it is, these men can be dangerous.

In a few short years he has escalated from being a nice family man to having violent public outbursts at perceived slights and injustices. You admit it's entered the home through yelling. It is not a leap to think the next time he feels wronged in the relationship he could take it out on you physically and one misjudged hit and you're a statistic.

You don't have to abandon him but you can detach with love. Seek therapy for yourself as this is traumatic for you. Reach out to woman's aid. Say that you love him, you don't believe this is him and you know he wouldn't intentionally hurt you or your child but his actions are scary. He needs to go to a doctor, seek therapy and make big changes in his life. Perhaps hiking, cold water swimming etc. otherwise it's not fair to raise your child in this environment.

Yes I would leave.
He's a potential danger at this point

Contact NHS Direct and speak to the mental health team on option 2. Explain that he's being very aggressive to people and has started on your child. They should give you advice.

You can also contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline which is available 24/7. They'll give you advice on safety and other options.

I was like this for years although I did manage to not yell at the kids (adults now)
My family dreaded going out with me!

Turned out to be PTSD from a number of past traumas.
Just finished 6 months of EMDR therapy and it's worked a treat.
I managed to get it with NHS but it was a 2 year waiting list.

I felt the same as your DH about the relentless incompetency everywhere, but now It glides over me and doesn't affect my life.
Some of them I can even laugh at.

Is there someone close to your family that could persuade him to have EMDR or better still, pay privately because it would be much quicker?

Read "it ends with us" by Coolen Hoover. It might encourage you to leave. If he will watch the film with you it might be worth doing that and then asking him if he will get help before it gets to that stage,

If he wont get help you need to leave or get him out of the house.

Watched the movie - it inspired me to wear more florals and open a flower shop when I get old. I feel that the movie's focus on DV should have been portrayed better - no way DH would sit through Blake L grinning and laughing like crazy, especially with his current mental state 🥴😅 I expect the book is better?

Good idea to try and get another family member of his onboard before he cutts them off as well (he already made a few dents in that relationship too).