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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandparents

17 replies

PLNB31 · 12/08/2025 22:29

My mum has had a lot on her plate for the past 18years she has raised my siblings children, she spends very little time with my children and whilst this does upset me I know there is no malice intended. However she spends a lot of time offering to taking care of my other siblings (works part time) children also, hubby and I both work full time and would love the occasional I’ll take the kids out or babysit for a few hours whilst I WFH however she never asks. I don’t really know if or how to even approach the subject with her, however she is missing out on my 3 children who she very rarely spends time with although lives less than 1/2mile away. I remember how close I was to my own grandma and feel my kids are missing out should I say something? I don’t want to stress her out or upset her but it’s really bothering me that little interest is shown to my kids, she hasn’t seen them at all other than in passing for months

OP posts:

HerecomesMargo · 12/08/2025 22:33

I think she sounds very overwhelmed and might see you as the most stable one. Maybe sit down and tell her how you feel

sesquipedalian · 12/08/2025 22:37

“I don’t really know if or how to even approach the subject with her”

OP, you ASK her - “DM, I wondered whether you’d babysit for us in Saturday because DH and I want to go to the cinema/ out for dinner/whatever”, or “Could you come over one afternoon next week and mind the DC because I’m working from home?” She can decline - maybe she’d rather see your DC with you - but you need to find that out. What do YOU want, though? It seems you’re resentful that she doesn’t babysit, but you also want her to spend more time with your DC. You could arrange an outing and ask her along, or invite her over for dinner at the weekend - it’s easier to ask for babysitting favours if she’s spent an enjoyable time with you all first.

GiveItAGoMalcom · 12/08/2025 22:41

How often do you take your kids to visit her?

TomatoSandwiches · 12/08/2025 22:41

Is your part time worker sibling a single parent?
I would struggle to ask something of someone that already seems overwhelmed.

herbalteabag · 12/08/2025 22:43

You could just invite her out with you and the children more to start with. Perhaps she feels you don't need her. Most of the time my mum spent with my children was when I was there as well and we'd only ask her to babysit for special occasions really.

jbm16 · 12/08/2025 22:46

Sounds like she has been really business, perhaps she thinks you are coping ok and don't need her help?

It's a difficult one, not sure I would want the stress of looking after young children full time later on in life, it was tiring enough when I was young. However I have the same fond memories with my grand parents, perhaps try to discuss without putting any pressure on her.

Bearinthesmallmessyflat · 12/08/2025 22:48

I think if you’re going to raise it with focus more on her relationship with your children rather than the babysitting. Something along the lines of
‘I know you have a lot on your plate right now mum but I worry a lot lately that my kids aren’t getting a chance to build a close relationship with you and it would mean a lot to me if they could spend a bit more time with you”

Start by inviting her along to family days out and taking the kids to visit her more.

Original poster

PLNB31 · 12/08/2025 22:49

I don’t expect my mum to babysit that’s absolutely not the crux of the issue as she would if I asked but I don’t because I know has enough on her plate, I just wish she would want to spend time with them I suppose. Even if was just popping around for a cup of tea or just taking any interest in them.

OP posts:

Original poster

PLNB31 · 12/08/2025 22:51

No they aren’t a single parent.

OP posts:

GiveItAGoMalcom · 12/08/2025 22:52

How often do you pop round hers with the kids?

Gcsunnyside23 · 12/08/2025 23:00

That's sad op, and it's ok to feel annoyed she's not putting the same effort into your children. Id bring it up with her, not in an accusatory way, just explain you feel sad about their lack of relationship

PollyBell · 12/08/2025 23:04

Yes it is nice for grandparents to be involved but why is it assumed, did you check with grandparents before having children yourself or did you just expect she would do what you think she should?

You made the choice to wfh did you consult her on this?

Unless ypu have triplets you knew what she was like having your first yet you had 2 more and expect her to be different?

Original poster

PLNB31 · 12/08/2025 23:05

Thank you @Gcsunnyside23 this is exactly how I feel, just sad. I do think it’s because she knows I am stable. It’s not like we aren’t close I have just felt I can’t broach the subject with her as I don’t want to add additional pressure or to make her feel guilty as I’m sure she already feels like she doesn’t make the time she would like to.

OP posts:

Original poster

PLNB31 · 12/08/2025 23:07

arent you a delight @PollyBell

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 12/08/2025 23:10

I think inviting her to dinner or to go out with you as a family is a good first step.

FlockofSquirrels · 12/08/2025 23:35

It seems like there are a few different things going on and the emotions about them all are probably pretty tangled and could use some sorting.

Your mum having a relationship with your kids
Your siblings getting help and time from her that you aren't
Your mum initiating/asking to spend time with your kids (and you?)

These are going to be tough to separate out, but I would work on trying to do that with the first one. As other PP suggested, focus on inviting your mum around for more family time or initiating low-key outings. Mention you'd like your DC to see more of her. Doing more of that is likely going to be step 1 - build up the relationships a bit more.

For the second you'll probably have to ask if you'd like her to watch the kids at some point. It's very possible that you're the "low-maintenance" child in both her and your minds. She probably thinks of you as needing less help, but she also may just be in the habit of helping your siblings more and that's how she knows how to have a relationship with them (and them with her). It's ok to ask for her help and show you'd like that.

Wanting her to initiate is a lot harder. It's a really understandable emotion in a lot of relationships, but it tends to be a counter-productive one if we prioritize wanting that over just wanting a relationship. The good news is that sometimes focusing on developing the relationship will result in them initiating more.

SquishedMallow · 12/08/2025 23:40

HerecomesMargo · 12/08/2025 22:33

I think she sounds very overwhelmed and might see you as the most stable one. Maybe sit down and tell her how you feel

I think this probably nails it to be honest.

Also, no matter how much we desperately want to at times: we have no control over what other people think and do. So therefore focusing on what she does for your siblings children will do nothing but eventually stir up feelings of resentment and bitterness: and that's not a good place to be.

I'd take the sibling and what she is or isn't doing for them completely off the table and out of the equation.

What are you really trying to say ? I think it's that you'd like your mum to see your children more.

Why don't you start off by inviting her to things with you and the kids to bond you all and then go from there.

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