To think this is emotional or psychological abuse and should actually be taken quite seriously

[Solost92]

DS is recently turned 4. I left his dad when he was 1. He'd become aggressive and threatening after DS was born and I left because he was threatening to kill me and I believed him. I was too scared off him to attempt to take DS away from him, I was very careful not to trigger him into hurting us.

He hasn't given up an Inch of control. Takes any opportunity to be nasty or threatening or hurt me. But whatever, I'm not scared of.him any more.

But he is being so toxic to DS. Its all "mummy's trying to take you away". Being g the summer holidays we get week on week off. He refused to return DS stating he actually gets 10 days. Bullshit. Our mediation paperw9rk is clear, it's alternate weeks. But what can I do, turn up on his door step, kick the door down, he grabs his his legs, I'll grab his arms and we pull?

DS finally gets home and immediately tells me that I was coming to pinch him off daddy so they had to run away to nannas and lock all the doors so I couldn't get him. What?! Who tells a 4 year old that about their own bloody mother. DS shouldn't have even been aware of the dispute. We communicate only through an app to reduce his access to abuse me but I feel like he's just going through DS instead.

I don't know what to do. Do I give him back again even though he didn't follow the recent agreement. Do I let him have him at all when all he's doing is spewing toxic nonsense at him the whole time?

DS is very sensitive, he's very emotional, very delicate, very anxious. I'm so worried for his mental health and he's bloody 4!

When I say I was careful not to take DS away I don't mean I left him with him entirely. I just mean I allowed contsct.

It’s totally emotional abuse and is a horrible situation for you and your child. You’re totally right that your child shouldn’t even be aware of any disagreement between the two of you let alone be being frightened into believing you are about to kidnap him. Unfortunately the family courts are in general very slow to switch on to this very common form of coercive control of the mother post-separation.

They’re a bit more interested though when the child is being directly involved in the way you describe, particularly if he is a sensitive child who is easily upset by this sort of thing. We had a farcical situation at one point before we had a court order when my abusive ex suddenly decided our son should live with him alone, having fucked off for a year, where we would literally race to the school gates to try to be first to pick up our child as the school had to let him go with whichever parent was there/arrived first. CAFCASS (court ordered social services) were extremely unimpressed that my ex had created such a situation and he did not get away with it long-term.

When we had shared custody we ended up splitting the summer holidays in two, 3 weeks each, specifically in order to minimise his potential for disruption (of course he still played shenanigans all the time). My son was a bit older by then though and it’s very hard being without them for 3 weeks but so lovely when you have them for a long stretch like that.

It sounds to me like you honestly need to consider going to court, to say the mediation agreed custody schedule isn’t working, so it can be spelled out to your ex that this isn’t ok and not fair on your child (whether he’ll take any notice is another thing but if he keeps landing back there being berated for his poor decisions it will all eventually catch up with him in the long game).

I would take legal advice, there is one school of thought that would say if you truly believe he is being exposed to significant emotional abuse at his dad’s then it’s fine to withhold contact short term until you can get to court to decide what happens going forward without risking a repeat. But the problem is that in reality that’s highly likely to bring him around to your doorstep being aggressive which isn’t great for anyone either. And you have to leave your house sometime... You can call police if that happens and apply for an emergency non-mol order but it’s still horrible to experience. And much less clear cut with emotional abuse as opposed to physical abuse etc. Unfortunately my lawyers kept telling me I had no choice but to hand him over, but the problem is that nobody is really able to help get him back if he decides to be an arse, including police except in very exceptional circumstances.

Lastly do make sure you hold his passport and have a serious think about whether there is any realistic risk of his dad abducting him, have a look at advice on preventing this on Reunite charity website and consider asking for a prohibited steps order (get legal advice about this) if you’re really worried as it sounds like he’s potentially working his way up to this (mine did at one point but police fortunately were able to get him back after we went to emergency court over it but I almost missed my brother’s wedding abroad as a result and it put the whole family under such stress).

This is quite complicated and you need legal advice from someone trained in domestic abuse because you don't want him to escalate.

You can start with Rights of Women, they give free legal advice. You can also try Coram Children's Legal Centre.

Safety wise I would download the Hollieguard app, get a video doorbell and I wouldn't be alone with him. Ideally you'd do third party hand overs or use a contact centre but you should get advice before making any changes.

A parenting app keeps a record of all communication. You should start a diary of his behaviour: time/date/event/how it made you feel/evidence

The Domestic Advice Helpline is available 24/7.

You need to document every interaction with your ex, and keep a record of what your son tells you about his time with his dad. Get legal advice regarding your ex's emotional abuse of your son. Do not just hope this will go away. It won't.