AIBU - husband drinking

[Pinkette12345]

My husband will drink every chance that he can get - fed up / celebration of the smallest thing / weekend / cooking / sunny / walk to a pub / special dinner etc etc. He’ll pretty much always have at least 5 drinks (some of those could be v generous vodkas or huge wines) and will drink at least two nights a week (usually more). On nights out with friends he’ll have huge amounts of drinks. We used to spend ages in the pub pre child, but I will just have the occasional 1 drink now and I’m done really. When he’s drinking he is a bit lacking in tolerance / kindness - not horrible / unkind but lots of “banter” that is a bit close to the bone that we’re expected to go along with etc and will get overly offended if I don’t accept his “advances” and just generally more sweary / “sloppy” etc. I’ve mentioned it and he just says “I’m fine as I am / it’s a weekend etc” or will say that he only had 3 drinks and stopped (after drinking every day for the week prior etc). AIBU in wanting him to be virtually teetotal like me?! How much does everyone else’s husband’s drink? I’m beginning to dread weekends / walks / meals out etc now because I know once he’s started with one he’ll just keep going and going.

I think if he doesn't want to stop drinking you have no chance.

It may be the beginning of the end. Sorry.

I have walked your path. Been in your very shoes. I just want to say it wont get better and to cut your losses and to end the relationship. Ive just got divorced last week. I cannot tell you how elated i am to be free of this person!

it escalates to daily drinking, evenings but still able to function and hold down a job. Never ill, no hangovers etc. when you try to talk to friends/family, they will tell you - but its just the way he is/his drinking is fine- everyone his age drinks like this etc. making you feel youre making a mountain out of a molehill. Then comes the shouting/arguing when hes had a drink. The “your boring because you dont drink” blah blah. No helping with parenting/housework because their too busy drinking. Get out whilst you can. My kids dislike their dad and openly said they wont see him when he moves out. Even now he still doesn’t accept us splitting up is because of his drinking 🤦🏻‍♀️ and has the gall to say im a crap parent!!! 🤷🏻‍♀️

There's nothing remotely nice about being around a drunk. But don't waste energy talking to him/setting out ultimatums. Sounds like the drink already has him firmly in its grip. Just focus on getting yourself out of it before it gets worse, because it will.

Sorry OP totally stupid question but do you mean 5 drinks a day? Or on the weekend? Obviously the general behaviour you're describing is an absolute disappointment, I'm just trying to figure out if he also has a full blown drinking problem as well. Again sorry for obvious question

My partner is, well I think he is, a functioning alcoholic. Nice bloke, any excuse for a drink. He drinks every day. Probably at least two bottles of wine. We don't have children and to be honest although I have spoken to him in the past I don't any more. I really feel that for people to stop or limit their drinking they have to decide that they have a problem and make their own changes. He doesn't see a problem. For me it's not a deal breaker but and I must stress this, I don't have small children and we are old, our lives are lived and we do have a very comfortable life. If I was younger and at a different stage in my life I would think very differently. Drinkers drink. That has a big impact on all sorts of things and I wouldn't want that to be the story of my whole life.

He has around 5 drinks on the days he does drink. He’ll drink every Friday and Saturday, sometimes on other days if there’s a reason for a dinner out / walk which will obviously end at a pub etc. He won’t drink every day (although, if I wasn’t around, I think he probably would have 1 or 2 most days). He did say he had realised it was like a tap where if he had 2 with a meal out, he’d go to the local shop after and buy 4 cans, and usually drink 3 of them and fall asleep on the sofa with the 4th…so he was trying to have 2 with the meal then stop at that and no more at home….but this seems to only really happen if he knows he’s got a few other nights of drinking planned in the week. I know I’m super intolerant of him when I know he’s started drinking - even after 1 drink I start to notice the changes in him and find things he does / says irritating and it just keeps going and I just get hyper aware as it goes on. I’m sure from his perspective, he finds me naggy / boring now as I rarely go out and would be just as happy to walk to a coffee shop as a pub or just stay in in my pjs with a cup of tea!

If it's making you dread weekends then that would be (and was) my yard stick to admit it and say - yes his drinking is a drink problem. Time to do something.

Hes making a nusence of himself and has been told but doesn't care. To me that says the drink is in charge of him, he's not in charge of the drink.

Many many years ago i posted here about my DHs drinking and i got blunt advice. I was in denial, but it was spot on. I returned to the thread days later and re read it and took the advice. It boiled down to telling him it was the drink or me. And meaning it. And being fully prepared to leave.

I did it. And was prepared - expected in fact - to leave. DH chose me (us)(kids) and he stopped drinking.

But it's a daemon that still hangs over us even all these years later and even though he wanted to stop and did it with grace. Every where you bloody go it seems people want you to drink. When he's stressed i know he's hankering for a drink. 10 plus years on some Saturday nights feel a bit empty because there's no tipple. We used to drink together when we first got together - when i got preg i stopped (of course) but his drinking took control of him around then.

What i'm trying to say is that for your sake and your kids, calmly (and when he's sober) tell him you've had enough and mean it.
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I'm sorry to be blunt but he's an alcoholic. He is very unlikely to change.

You can't change it or control it. You have to make a choice now as to whether you can tolerate it for the rest of your marriage and with awareness that it's highly likely to get progressively worse. If you can't, you have to leave.

I'm sorry it's that stark. I was married to one and I learned the hard way that you have no influence over someone else's drinking and bargaining/pleading with them will make no difference at all.

Also you don't say if you have children or not but if you do, having an alcoholic as a parent is a total nightmare. If you do have children, you owe it to them to protect them from this. If you don't, don't get pregnant and plan to leave. Either way, leave.

To answer your specific AIBU then yes I think you’re unreasonable to expect him to be ‘virtually tee-total’ because you are, especially given you didn’t used to be. We’re the other way round. DH will occasionally have one or two drinks, more on a (very) rare night out, while I’ll have 2 or 3 glasses of wine 2 or 3 times a week. Also more on a rare night out.

That said, if you’re not suited then you’re not suited. To someone else a few drinks at the weekend and the occasional other time wouldn’t be an issue at all. To you it is, now at least. You need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker that you’ve changed your habits but he hasn’t changed his.

Mine doesn't drink alcohol, growing up with a father as an alcoholic put him off ever seeing it as being a good mood enhancing relaxing thing to do, all he saw was the unlock of demons.