Nasty barb from a friend

[Mumabearwithme24]

I had been cheated on by my now ex and father of our young son with a couple of women. He used to call me fat but the girls he cheated on me with, were the same size or slightly bigger. I realise now this was the wrong question to ask but at the time I was very hurt and not in a good way at all. I asked my friend why he called me fat but cheated with girls of the same size and she replied “maybe he can’t get a skinny girl”. I didn’t say anything at the time but it’s been about a year and I still can’t forget it. She’s insulted me on a few other occasions but that is the thing is find hard to move past. AIBU?

She doesn’t sound like much if a friend.
Have you other, better friends you can hang out with?

why do you have to move past it?
friends don't insult you.

If it were just the occassion I would let it lie, you asked an impossible question to answer and she could have just put her foot in it.

However, since this is a recurring theme I woukd just walk away from the friendship. Its not worth it sometimes.

Yeah, she is not a good friend.
I had a friend like that. I found myself making plans with her and the dreading the event. Had to have a word with myself... Why am I doing this? You should enjoy spending time with your friends. They should support you and on the whole make life better to have them around.

Is she a good person to have around?
Was this a one off blip?
Does she try to.put you down to.make herself feel better in other ways?

Have you other better friends?

Yes I do, but I slipped into a pretty dark place when in this relationship. So our friendship was mainly based on us both moaning about our partners. I don’t want to be in that place anymore.

If you say she has insulted you on other occasions then I believe you, but I personally don’t think saying someone “isn’t skinny” is a nasty barb - in fact I’ve always thought of “skinny” as being a bit insulting in itself, it doesn’t have nice connotations like slim, slender, trim or svelte. But perhaps that’s just me.

If this person is regularly rude to you then stop hanging out with her. Sounds like she has low self-esteem and putting you down makes her feel better about herself.

Its hard to know without context. She could have been bluntly telling you he was happy to chest with whomever he could get.

But I agree the way she casually said it makes it sound like she agreed you were fat.

But if you want to keep this friend you need to decide to confront her or let it go

I’m not fat I’m a size 12, she’s very slim much slimmer than me and makes comments about people being heavy a lot. I’ve never been bothered about my weight before I was with this man. She knew I was really paranoid about being heavy after he cheated and trying to lose weight (just to put it into context).

What were you wanting her to say? She could give her sympathy, but really there's no good answer, is there? I think she went with the least worst option, because she's saying that he isn't a good catch. The alternative would be to say that you aren't a good catch!

I think you put her in a difficult position. What response where you hoping for from her?

I was in a lot of pain after finding out he’d cheated on me again. I thought it was my fault and I was looking for an answer. I know now that it was the wrong question and I just needed to get out of a horrible relationship.

Well, a big well done for getting out. He sounds terrible and it is excellent that you removed yourself from that. With regards to the friend, if i am unsure about a friendship I find the best thing to ask myself is how do I feel after spending time with them? If the answer is everyone that i feel bad about myself or upset regularly after hanging out then we aren't well matched as friends.

I wanted an answer because I was confused, when someone betrays you like that you’re reeling. Other responses from friends to similar questions were “because he doesn’t give a shit about you” or “you’re being abused” or “because he doesn’t love you, get out now”. I didn’t feel offended by these brutally honest answers. I felt what she said was meant to belittle me, it was my gut reaction to it.

That’s good advice, thanks, I think that’s true.

We attract certain people sadly for me they hair men with big stomachs. Who also shave their chests and head hair - I don’t know why because they are not the men I find attractive

ma

Written in error.

So why is she still your friend?

Probably my judgment is still skewed after being with my ex and I got used to being treated badly.

Yes she’s insulted my career.
said when she was the same weight as me her back rolls were gross.
got annoyed when I wouldn’t pick her up for an event.
we have a lot of interests in common but we used to spend a lot of time moaning too. Which wasn’t good.

This. I think she was trying to say "he's not all that" rather than insult you.

He hasn't strayed because he couldn't resist the supermodel throwing herself at him. He cheated because he he is a prick who chose an ego boost over his family.

Essentially she's saying it's not about you or them or a comparison. It's about him taking whatever he can get

One was 18 years younger than me he briefly left me for her and the second one was 11 years younger and he was seeing her for 2 months before I caught him. They were both pretty, my daughter worked with the first one and I met the second one.
Maybe you’re right, she was trying to reassure me but it didn’t feel like that at the time.

So why were you so focused on their weight?

It sounds like your friend doesn't have a very healthy relationship with weight and that you didn't either at this point in your life. She probably wasn't a good person to put this kind of question to.

However you've added more since I started my reply and it doesn't sound like you really like her and she makes you feel bad so agree with others that this isn't a great friendship

I think it is really common when someone has an abusive husband or partner that they then have abusive friends. It's horrible but true. I think we get used to being treated badly, it feels familiar and we mistake that for feeling safe with them. It sounds like this girl isn't a good friend to you. Now that you have got rid of the knobhead, it's time to look at the friendships you have. As a previous poster said if someone makes you feel bad about yourself, get rid.

Because any time we argued he called me fat. I never had an issue with my weight before I met him and I don’t think about it anymore now we’ve split up.
I was confused about why he’d leave me for someone the same weight.
I wasn’t in a healthy place at the time.