Is it wrong for me to not tell my family my new address to keep myself safe from my abuser?

[Sassyturtlex]

A family member abused me as a child but I can no longer suppress it and play happy families.

I have to see this family member when I see my mum and siblings and I just don’t want to be around this person.

I feel deeply unsafe and like this person could switch on me if I began speaking about the abuse. I also have a lot of anger that I’m struggling to keep in around them due to the abuse.

I’m also convinced my family would flat out not believe me because of the kind and generous facade this person has put up over the years (they keep offering me thousands of pounds, I believe to keep me quiet).

I’m moving house but I DO NOT want this person knowing where I live or the address. And I can’t tell my family the new address without them telling this abuser, and I can’t tell them not to tell this person cos they’d get suspicious.

I feel absolutely stuffed if I do, and stuffed if I don’t.

1. Would it be reasonable for my own safety to not disclose my new address to any of my family? (I am a grown adult btw)

1. How, how, how could I maintain this secret of where I’m living indefinitely?

1. Do I have any legal or support protection here? The traditional lines of help seem focussed on domestic abuse and I’m not sure this falls under that considering we’ve never lived together and are not partners

Cutting contact from the family is not an option for me as my family have been through a lot and I love the rest of them deeply. The thought of never seeing them again kills me and I couldn’t bear spending years apart and the older ones passing away and I’ve missed time with them.

I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and need help please, thank you

I’m not sure of the answer but I just wanted to send support.

can you speak with a friend and give their address? Do your family visit you? If so how would you keep up that pretence? If not, that might be much easier.

Could you think about reporting them, they are an abuser and could be doing this to someone else.

I’m so sorry that you’ve had such awful experiences & continue to be exposed to your abuser.
You need to protect yourself, that’s the priority.
You know that there will be practical considerations to this & some family fall-out too, obviously that goes with the territory of seeming to suddenly disappear.

Therapy may help you to release some of the simmering, righteous anger that you feel, though I’ve no advice on what sort. In short or long time, you may feel it is right to tell other family members, that’s another thing for another day though. You are the priority.

Not wrong of you at all.

Not sure - would it work if when they ask, you say yes, yes you will, but somehow you never get around to it? Just say "Oh, I need to check, I can never remember" and hope they stop asking?

Do your family know you are moving?

If they don't, then could you get away with putting a redirect on your existing address? You can renew it indefinitely I think. I have just renewed ours and we moved 3 years ago, we still occasionally get the odd thing come through.

Then you can pick and chose who you tell and any cards etc that they send to you will still be received.

It's difficult to become untraceable, but as I guess they know your existing address and there hasn't been an issue there, then it's unlikely they are going to suddenly come searching. It's a starting point though.

I don’t know your precise circumstances, OP, but depending on how they might be likely to react I’d be inclined to tell them the truth.

I’m a victim of abuse. I know how hard it is when you think you won’t be believed, or if a disclosure would cost you your entire family. They may be very supportive of you.

If you really feel you can’t, then tell them the truth but omit the identity of the abuser. You’ve been a victim of abuse. You are keeping your address secret as a means of protecting yourself from your abuser. You’re sorry, but you are not able to tell them any more than that. You could also tell them that the police have advised you not to disclose your new address. This might have the added benefit of frightening off your abuser, should this information be unwittingly relayed back to him by other family members.

I’m so very sorry you are facing this appalling situation, OP, and angry for you that abusers are able to rely on our silence because taking about these situations can make our own lives untenable.

They know exactly what they’re doing. No words can convey how much they disgust me.

Oh @Sassyturtlexthat is a very difficult dilemma for you.
My heart goes out to you.
Do they know you were abused by that person in the family?
Are there children in the family now who might be abused by your abuser ?

Thanks everyone for all this advice!

@Temporaryname158 Thank you for the support ❤️ They don’t visit me often which is a godsend but my mum is very controlling about knowing where I am even though I’m an adult. I was thinking maybe I could say somethings happened that I don’t want to talk about but the police have advised me not to give the address maybe. I will be moving to a brand new place following a breakup so won’t know anyone and I have pushed all my friends away currently in other towns because I have cptsd and struggle maintaining friendships

they don’t have access to any other children, and unfortunately it is my word against theirs and I’m afraid of the physical retaliation from them 😓 you’re right I should report it though at some point

thank you so much @HotTiredDog it means so much to hear these kind words after carrying at alone after so long 🫂

@bibliomania thank you for this, I did think of this and I think it will work temporarily but my mum can be forceful and persistent so it won’t track forever. I’ll keep thinking

@Createausername1970 they do know I’m wanting to move, probably shouldn’t have told them that tbh! The redirect is a good idea, my mum will just be pushy about coming to see the new place and visiting (they don’t come up often but for big things like this they do, it’s just expected). I’m worried about telling them the new address now as I’m starting to show obvious signs of discord against the abuser like not acting as friendly and so I’m worried they’ve realised I remember now and will come for me so I’d rather start fresh

@SerafinasGoose thank you so much for this, I appreciate your kind words. I’m so sorry about your awful experience too. You’re so right about abusers in general, it’s absolutely messed up that we have to live in fear. I am 90% sure I won’t be believed unfortunately due to how ‘kind’ and ‘helpful’ this person has pretended to be. I like that story, I am worried it will make the abuser think I remember now or are about to do something about it (we are a tiny family and not many people of this sex this abuser is is left in the family so it would be obvious unless I said it was someone outside of the family) and then they might come for me, but I am stuffed, either way it’s going to raise suspicion

@deeahgwitch thank you very much, they don’t know no. And no children to be affected, otherwise this would be a very different story for sure 😓

Tell your mum it's fallen through so you are staying put for the time being. Then move and put the redirect on.

DM stayed with us during lockdown had her post redirected to our address. She decided to carry on after returning home, (which was fine with me) but after four years, Royal Mail said ‘no more’.

But it’s still a good suggestion, and four years would give OP a lot of breathing space.

You are not alone, @Sassyturtlex
💐 and 🤗 from me & my very hot, not tired enough dog!

Are you getting help/ therapy for the trauma you suffered @Sassyturtlex?
I do hope so.
There have been quite a few cases of abuse reported here in Ireland and the message the victims gave to the general public, post conviction of their abuser, on tv, online and in the papers was - “I didn’t think anyone would believe me. But they did.”

If a member of my family told me they were sexually abused, I would believe them, not matter how kindly the abuser appeared.

If your family don’t believe you, they they’re not worth knowing.

Use this opportunity to tell them about the abuse and then move house without telling them the address.

I have no experience but wanted to send support and think you’re not unreasonable. I would say you need to get support from professionals, hopefully someone more knowledgable than me on this thread can suggest pathways for help - I hope he / she gets caught and gets their comeuppance

@Sassyturtlex just have to make sure that you are the first to visit so they dont miss you and travel to yours instead. permanent redirect is a good idea. dont tell them new address. try to make new friends in the new area so you are not isolated. it would be lonely without any friends.

I agree with this.

I wonder if Royal Mail would be willing to make an exception due to the circumstances. OP won’t be the first person to be in this situation. Four years is certainly a good start though.

OP do you have any support in real life? This is a huge weight to carry alone. If there’s no one you can tell them maybe look for a support group. You must feel very alone with this, but sadly a lot of people have had similar experiences. If you could make contact with some support groups you might get better advice on how to move forward from people who have been through it.

They really will find it hurtful that you won't invite them to your new home. Unless it's far far away , then you will get away with it.

Personally I would take his money, fuck him then if you go to the police later you have evidence he was giving you shush money !
What a horrible situation for you

I don't think in all honesty I have any useful advice, but I wanted to say this sounds so stressful, I am very sorry this happened and continues to happen in a different form.

It sounds like you are at the point of needing to get some outside help.