It feels hard, but sometimes is it good to be self sufficient?

[AugustIsNeitherHereNorThereIFeel]

Over the years I don't feel I have had masses of support. My mum died when I was a teen, and my dad spent all his time with his new wife and her family. My siblings are much older and were married and had DC when my mum died.

I am married and my DH often works away, but he does help me out when he is here. I am lucky that way. I don't have a lot of close friends who live near me. His family have not helped us out at all. I did struggle when my DC were young and he was away, but they are now older and we have muddled through. I am lucky in that I have my DH and now my adult and teen DC to help me out and support me.

However, last week I found myself in a difficult position when a couple of friends who I have helped out and supported over the years, let me down very badly. I don't want to go into the details as it is outing. I ended up spending the whole of last night after work, salvaging, making calls, WhatsApp's and emails. It is now hopefully sorted but I just think "why bother, don't rely on anyone again and next time they need help don't bother". Just be self sufficient and rely on no one.

It's sad because I've always felt like a bit of a victim not having much of a support network except my DH, but TBH this morning I feel so let down by these people that I am thinking it may actually be better to not rely on anyone.

AIBU?

As my username suggests 😄

I quite like knowing for certain where I stand. Its lonely at times but i'm sure and in that comes strength

That is exactly it mumofone. It is lonely, although I do have my DH.

You have hit the nail on the head. When you don't have a lot of support you need to know where you stand, you need things clear. You have no one to pick up the pieces and you don't need chaos. It takes all your energy to get yourself places on time, and without drama. You don't need other people throwing stingers in your road.

100%, when you've been through shit in life, you just need clarity

Just be clear on who you are to me so I dont need to waste time being let down! xx

You sound capable and self sufficient. Sorry your friends let you down.

It sounds like you do way more than your H, eg ‘my DH often works away, but he does help me out when he is here’.

I tend to judge fathers who work away negatively, unless they have v poor alternative work options.

Not unusual for capable women used to relying on themselves to be in relationships with less capable and/or lazy men who let their partner do way more of the parenting etc.

Yes, clarity. That’s it.

I don't think it's hard at all. I'm the reverse of you - rather than relying on others and only being self-sufficient when that doesn't work, I am totally self-sufficient and would only rely on others in entirely extreme situations where I literally can't do whatever it is myself. I never get let down and it's always done properly when, where and how I like it. It's incredibly satisfying when jobs are done and so much less stress!

I think, speaking as someone who does (or at least I think I do) have a small but reliable support network, I still need to know that I am sailing the ship. I might want a shoulder to cry on sometimes, or be able to talk things through, but I don't want to be in a position where I am reliant on other people.

So you are not unreasonable to think that way.