Help - Terrible 1’s / Sleep / 22 month old not sleeping

[PeachyGreen]

My 22 month old has always been a terrible sleeper. We’ve co slept, never sleep trained as I don’t know how to and what usually happens is I get her to sleep in her cot (stay in the room for almost an hour) and then she’ll wake up and I’ll transition her into my bed.

Well recently there has been tantrums, screaming, crying, back arching whenever we put her in her cot. She seems tired but wants out of the room. This lasts from anywhere between 1.5-2 hours every night. When she eventually gets to sleep; she’ll wake up at 1/2 to come into the bed. I am shattered. I get no down time.

just for a bit of background; we both work full time so evenings look like this:

5.30 nursery pick up
6-6.15 home
6.45 dinner
7.10 ish - bath & pyjamas
7.30 bed
Settles at around 8.30-9 finally.

what are we doing so wrong?

Expecting them to go to bed early without seeing you, bathing at night often wakes them up, eating them very close to bed time. The child wants to see you.

Could she be afraid of the dark? A nightlight might help

@Skybluepinky I have no option but to work full time and get in the time I do. I’d rather her get a good full nights sleep than see me. I see her of an evening and at the weekends. I’m not going to let her go to bed at 10pm

I feel you. I have a one year old who Co sleeps. Everything where he feels confined is a battle with him - car seat, pram, high chair, playpen (whilst I have a very quick shower). I have an older one who was clingy too but would sleep in her cot thankfully. I honestly just think it's their personalities but I know others would say just go tough love. I can't sleep train so put up with it and I'm sure it will change at some point - well I hope 🤞

Children of that age often have a very long nap at nursery, unless the parents insist otherwise (and if you want to insist, prepare for ALOT of guilt tripping, if not downright refusal from the nursery).

You can either fight this or just accept it and put the child to bed a bit later, seeing it as getting a bit longer with your child in the evening. I don’t mean 10 pm, but maybe 8.30 rather than 7.30 into bed, with some play time before the bath, or even in summer a park trip post nursery.

With my two, it was never a case of “sleep begets sleep”, there was always a max total amount they would go for in 24 hours.

That said, I remember getting such shit on here (ten years ago mind) for referring to “the terrible ones” - someone contrived to thing I mean terrible children rather than the age “one year old” 🙄

I have no suggestions but have similar issues with my twenty month old taking hours to go to bed, so can completely sympathise. I’m a SAHP so we spend plenty of time together and we already bathe during the day, limit her nap to an hour, leave plenty of time between eating and bed and aim for a 10pm bedtime so while those things might help some people they haven’t helped in our case. We even tried a sleep consultant who suggested eight and a half hours overnight was enough sleep even though she frequently drops off in the car and other places during the day because she’s so tired 😢

She’s likely horrifically overtired by this point and sleep begets sleep. Nursery usually do a ‘tea’ type meal at 4:30-5pm, so doesn’t need dinner after nursery. Give her picky bits or a simple snack as soon as you’re in the door and then up to bed straight away at 6:30 – earlier if you can manage it. Take a half day off on a Friday and do a 6pm bedtime Friday, Saturday, Sunday to reset the overtiredness.

Only an hour nap and 10pm bedtime is way too little sleep at 20 months. Overtiredness will be exacerbating all her sleep issues.

We have tried her having more sleep at other times (longer nap and/ or lie in in the morning) in case it’s overtiredness but that just makes her even less likely to sleep at bedtime (I.e. She’s still awake at 2am).

Longer naps and lie ins won’t do much dent in overtiredness. The most restorative hours of sleep are between the hours of 7pm-midnight. Morning lie ins kick the issue down to the later part of the day and daytime naps aren’t restorative enough. Early bedtimes alongside well timed naps is the best way to kick overtiredness, and it will take a week or two to revert.

Yes, the entire root cause of our issues is the refusal to sleep at bedtime, if we could make an early bedtime happen we wouldn’t have a problem.

How early have you tried bedtime and for how long, and was this done in conjunction with longer/well-timed naps?

In my opinion, there's not much time between finishing nursery and going to bed. It's 1 hour 15 mins between getting home and you expecting them to sleep.
I would make their bedtime later, and put in hour of quality time after getting into pyjamas, to read stories, have cuddles, play with soft toys before making the move to bed.

Alternatively you do the opposite as @Didimum suggested and knock off dinner completely. Give them a little snack and get them into wind down mode. As soon as you walk in the door.

There are different ways to manage it but ultimately I think at the moment you are trying to cram to much into a short space of time and they don't have the opportunity to wind down.

I don't think @Skybluepinky was criticising you for working, she was saying you can't expect them to be away from you all day, spend one hour with you and then go to sleep. Accept bedtime is a little later. I had to go back to work at 7 months, it is what it is. But my child clearly misses me. He's 1 now and bedtime is more like 8.30. Don't try to settle them so early.