No one told me my dad was in hospice

[beanii]

I had a phone call off my ex husband this morning telling me that my father had died.

Long story short - my narcissist mother and brother managed to alienate me for years, I tried numerous times to rebuild the relationship with him but wasn't to be - whenever I did see him we got on well but it's been 5/6 years since I last saw him.

He was diagnosed with cancer 18 months ago - I went to visit him in hospital but was stopped.

I asked my brother to keep me in the loop - only to find out he died in a hospice and no one let me have the chance to say goodbye.

It's such a spiteful thing to do - I can never get that opportunity back.

I'm so angry - AIBU?

I'm sorry OP, that was a shit thing for them to do. Be aware that by the time your Dad entered hospice he might not have been up to receiving visitors, physically or mentally.
Remember the good times.

How unspeakably vile. I can't imagine anything that would justify this.

That’s a horrible thing to say.

I am so sorry OP. Like a pp said try to remember the good times.

This is a very big shock, and a lot to get your head around. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad .

You'll have so many complicated feelings, hopefully you have some other supportive people to talk to? And can you take a few days off work to give yourself chance to process a bit.

My only advice would be not to make things more difficult for yourself by engaging with your mum and brother, as it's unlikely that arguments at this time will help.

Are you going to the funeral? If so, make sure you have someone there to support you.

Sorry op, to be honest when things disintegrate health wise time sometimes just marches on. If he was in the hospice life would have been about day to day staying alive. Forgot get about not seeing him and just concentrate on getting through this x

Sorry for your loss. Sadly when someone enters the hospice it's only a short time until they pass and he might not have been well enough. They shouldn't have told you but maybe there wasn't time. Remember the good times. Are you going to the funeral

I’m sorry for your loss Op 💐
I don’t have much to say other than I hope you can find peace in the future, and that you ask for help as you need it. Death isn’t ever easy, and you’ll likely be going through various types of grief, anger and sadness. Please be kind to yourself.

I don’t know that it was a horrible thing to say. In this situation it’s easy to blame the relatives who are still here but maybe the OP needs to think about how much choice her dad had in this situation. Maybe she’ll come to the conclusion that he was so ill/frail or was so controlled that he had none. In which case carry on blaming the brother and mother.

my mums next door neighbour never told me when my mum was dying in hospital. But she was under instructions from my mum not to tell me. So I can’t be cross with the neighbour.

OP, I’m sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry you didn’t have a closer relationship with your dad when it sounds like you’d have liked that.

It's not horrible at all.

What an offensive, disgusting response to a perfectly standard comment. Horrible thing to say.

Right. I could not honestly think of a more gentle way of putting it. What I did not want to say - but now feel forced to say - is that he chose to stay away from her for 5/6 years before he entered the hospice too. I mean, it's awful for her, losing her dad and feeling it was unresolved at that point. I don't think that blaming other people will help her move on at all though, and really just hoped to make the point as gently as I could.