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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much do I take before biting back please give me strength

19 replies

Beingdriven · 12/08/2025 00:59

It’s a long one . Sorry.

Really need some strength before I cross my own lines and bite back .
why do men know what buttons to press and how to get you to react.
Had a shit few months (make that a shit 12 years not really due to him )
i have been with the husband 30 years married for 25 nearly and and after a world of shit have finally reached the end of my temper and left unless there is serious change .
So far he has changed the actual story of everything that’s happened and I refuse to get involved-
i have let him tell his story to anyone who listens and held my house together alone .
I understand his depression and mental health problems and decided after everything as a family we have suffered and having watched him fall apart that I will let him paint me as the bad guy and say nothing.
But he’s pushing more and more and more and has done the usual and is creating some imaginary issue of mental health problems ( except he has no issues with my mental health when he wants me back and leaves me to bring up our youngest and takes no responsibility for housing or feeding or seeing to her anxiety or disability’s .)

But how long do I let him do it , a few weeks ago I nearly started believing it myself .

yesterday I was one step away from joining in and sending proof of his lies and how deranged his story’s are getting but I just don’t have the energy to get involved .
just not sure how I keep it in check I’m determined that I won’t stoop to his level but find myself keeping notes messages emails as proof .
why I don’t even know because the last thing I want to do or is in my personality is to involve anyone else

if anyone has any tips for what to do to stop me stooping to his level please give them to me.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 12/08/2025 03:03

It sounds like you need to leave him!

TheGreatWesternShrew · 12/08/2025 04:01

Endofyear · 12/08/2025 03:03

It sounds like you need to leave him!

She has left him. It’s in the post.

OP… I guess you have to ask yourself the pros and cons of doing or not doing anything.

Im sorry he’s being such a dick.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 12/08/2025 04:57

I just let people tell their stories and if anyone mentions it to me then I’ll correct it. Usually with backup proof as well.

There’s more to life than being held hostage by other people’s bs.

Original poster
Beingdriven · 12/08/2025 07:08

If I do tell people and he did something to himself it would be my fault.
He genuinely has had lots of treatment for his issues and they are 100 % genuine .
It’s like he has always had a split personality, worships the ground I walk on but has a story for how life really happened .
Nothing is ever just the truth and happens it’s always follows a story/reason /lie.
this was fun at 16 bloody isn’t at 46.
people see me as the strong one and feel sorry for him .
i have no interest in joining in the stories or involving other people in what happened and I don’t want to leave him alone. But I’m sick of hearing from him what people have said and how ohhh she wouldn’t do that. No I bloody wouldn’t . But he is selling them the mental health card about me .and I’m finally getting pissed off.

OP posts:
MushMonster · 12/08/2025 07:17

Do not engage OP. It is likely what he wants.
But, how do you know what he is telling? Is it social media? Block him and remove yourself. Are friends or family telling you? Then, let them know that you do not want to hear of it. And you need to assess what their ultimate intentions to be going back and forth between the two of you with the news is. Children..... then, that is serious. I would text him making clear that bad mouthing a parent to his/ her child is detrimental for the child. If he is talking badly about you in front of your child or around their environment, so it affects your children, then that is the only reason to act.
The rest... just block/ avoid.

AgnesX · 12/08/2025 07:24

If he hurts himself (because of something you've supposedly said) it's his choice, not yours. You can't "make" him do/ not do anything. His actions aren't your responsibility. He's an adult even if not a very capable one.

You've left now, so disengage and don't get involved.

ConfusedSloth · 12/08/2025 07:30

In general, people don’t like to be wrong. If people have an initial impression that you’re wrong, even the most insurmountable and undeniable proof that you’re right won’t usually make a difference. Just look on here how often someone is wrong and is corrected just to then double-down or triple-down rather than doing “oh, I didn’t know that, thanks for clarifying”.

People take being wrong as a personal insult so, even if you convince them that you’re not the bad guy, they still won’t be on your side because you “insulted” them by correcting their incorrect belief.

Just ignore, don’t engage and don’t work yourself up. People will figure out the truth on their own eventually - and then they won’t resent you for telling them they’re wrong.

DaisyChain505 · 12/08/2025 07:33

Stop caring what other people think of you and focus on your life and what you need to do to move on and be happier.

myplace · 12/08/2025 07:38

Tell your own story. Not about him, about you.

It isn’t his story or your rebuttal of his story.

Talk about you. What your life is like.

“It’s such a struggle supporting everyone. It’s so hard looking after DC without support. I have been running on empty for years and I can’t do it anymore. DC needs lots of support and I have nothing left for anyone else. I can’t help him anymore, I’m on my knees. I feel as though everything is my fault and I’m letting everyone down. Nothing I do is enough.”

Do you see?
Edit to add- and then start on what you are trying to achieve-

“I just want to get the house calm and safe for DC. I am going to build a really good routine to help DC. I’m going to concentrate on on getting DC the help she needs and make the house feel safe again. I want to try and get back into healthy habits and concentrate on good things that help us feel better.”

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/08/2025 07:38

Everything he's saying is proving that there won't ever be a change in him. So make the leaving permanent and then ignore all his efforts to paint you as the villain.

Original poster
Beingdriven · 12/08/2025 08:49

DaisyChain505 · 12/08/2025 07:33

Stop caring what other people think of you and focus on your life and what you need to do to move on and be happier.

This is half the problem - I genuinely don’t care what people think of me I never have .
he is a major people pleaser who then moans about it behind peoples back to anyone who will listen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingdriven · 12/08/2025 08:56

It’s the fact that he didn’t bother with the youngest for 3 months moaning she’s a problem hard work because she’s autistic but when I have tried to force her to see him - it’s everyone thinks your mums mad she’s had a breakdown maybe your not safe with her even x y z said it .
she’s then upset that he is saying it about me - they end up fighting (last time she actually hit hit) because he is relentless with repeating when he starts 5-7 hours of repeating the same conversation is normal for him when he thinks he is right.
and because she basically won’t talk to anyone even family I don’t want her to lose him too .
2 days ago she was screaming that I never even mention him so why does he need to keep on about me.
screaming madly that all she hears is mum did mum mum mum what about her .
that’s why I almost bit back - I really didn’t want her brought into any of it.

OP posts:
NotInMyyName · 12/08/2025 09:01

See what you think about this approach. Its helped me to step back and manage my rage about unfairness.

I also like this guy who has a few phrases that I hope I can remember when dealing with ar$holes. https://youtube.com/@jeffersonfisher?feature=shared

Good luck 😎

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/24aTvL9p5wM?feature=shared

kleverklogs · 12/08/2025 09:12

How old is your DD? What kind of people slag a parent off to their children? Unless it is the other children saying this, in which case what kind of adult slags off other adults to their children? Sounds like you live in a horrible gossipy neighbourhood and it’s your children who are suffering from it. Your husband is a selfish twat and you are well rid of him.
I usually hate social media and think it is a curse in situations like this, but maybe a short message in a parent whatsapp along the lines of “My daughter is being bullied because of gossip spread about me lately. What you discuss or think of me is no concern of mine, but please keep it between the adults and do not discuss me with your children / my daughter.”

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/08/2025 09:12

Well that's awful what he's doing to your DD, how he's messing with her mind. If he's not bothered about seeing her, isn't it in her best interests to let their relationship drift? It sounds like he's using the contact you say you forced as a way to get to you.

NotInMyyName · 12/08/2025 09:14

NotInMyyName · 12/08/2025 09:01

See what you think about this approach. Its helped me to step back and manage my rage about unfairness.

I also like this guy who has a few phrases that I hope I can remember when dealing with ar$holes. https://youtube.com/@jeffersonfisher?feature=shared

Good luck 😎

My link to Mel Robbins and the “Let Them” approach got lost. Google and see what you think.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/08/2025 09:26

It's a shame your DD doesn't get on with anyone in the wider family. Is that just distance or actual aversion? Does she have friendships you can encourage?

Joycehelp · 13/08/2025 16:39

I'm a group therapist and there's always two sides to every story I think before you jump to harsh decisions hear your DH out.
For you to be with him 30 years he must be a good hubby and 25 married .Try to repair your relationship for your child maybe it's something his/you have caused that needs to be addressed.thers so many responses on these types of threads and there first response is leave him ,but if your been together that long i believe for your child you should find the root of the problem and support your hubby and fix you and your child's relationship at any cost to avoid losing her father.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/08/2025 16:48

Joycehelp · 13/08/2025 16:39

I'm a group therapist and there's always two sides to every story I think before you jump to harsh decisions hear your DH out.
For you to be with him 30 years he must be a good hubby and 25 married .Try to repair your relationship for your child maybe it's something his/you have caused that needs to be addressed.thers so many responses on these types of threads and there first response is leave him ,but if your been together that long i believe for your child you should find the root of the problem and support your hubby and fix you and your child's relationship at any cost to avoid losing her father.

Have you ever considered reading the OP fully? She's already left him because the marriage is over. He's then claiming the OP is mentally ill because she's left him - which is abusive. There is nothing to fix because he doesn't want to fix it.

But you think she should stay in a marriage she's already left because he 'must be good'?

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