How long would you be annoyed or would you let it go?

[yellowlightbulb]

DH has been in a bad mood all evening and been unpleasant to be around. Our DD is 2 months old and has really bad colic. She was crying for two hours straight tonight. DH can’t handle her when she’s like this so I was left for the full time alone to deal with it. I can handle it but at one point I went into the living room and basically seemed moral support to which I was told I should leave her crying in her crib as that’s what he’d do for a break and that he’s not taking her for a minute because it won’t make any difference. I got annoyed and said I wasn’t leaving her upset alone in her crib and that it’s a rubbish suggestion and then he got annoyed and slammed the living room door I’m my face. I went in a few hours later to say that I was unhappy with his response and behaviour and he just ignored me. AIBU to not be fine with him tomorrow/still be annoyed and not pretend that nothing happened? Or should I just let it go?

Just to add, dh was in a mood before any of this happened for an unknown reason.

He sounds overwhelmed. Not ideal but not uncommon for new parents to struggle adjusting even with an easier baby.
Talk to him tomorrow about needing to be a team and you needing him to help more, but higher priority would be booking a gp appointment to rule out silent reflux. Our fussy "colicky" baby was like a completely different baby after going on reflux medication. She only occasionally spat up tiny amounts, but would scream and be fussy for hours each evening or in the car seat. Once she was on the medication she was calm and easy to settle just by holding her, and fine in the car. When we tried stopping the meds at 6 months she went back to crying loads, ended up needing them until 10 months.

You are completely in the right and he is a lazy, entitled bastard for leaving it all to you and not even giving you support or a break. I find it disturbing that he could leave a suffering infant to cry. I'm sorry to say that I think it reflects on his character. It would be one thing if it's just the usual bit of crying infants do before they settle down, but this is colic. The baby is in acute distress. He sounds cold hearted and selfish.

It's so so hard and stressful to have a colicky baby, and it's really awful that he isn't being supportive. It's really hard to be the only one "able" to care for baby and I'd be really upset to be told to just leave him in the cot. It sounds like something you need to sit down and talk about during a calm time where baby isn't upset to try and get on the same page, though it doesn't sound like he has the emotional maturity to cope with helping unfortunately. I hope you have others to support you, and it will get easier x

I also wouldn’t want him to be with her while she’s suffering in case he snapped.

He’s either affected by her crying and enraged by it, which makes him dangerous, or he’s enraged by how his life has changed and leaving it all to you as a result, which makes him a shit partner and worse father, or he’s pretending to be because he is a lazy cunt and doesn’t want to do anything, he knows you’ll do it.

This.

A man who really shouldn't be a parent because he seems totally lacking in empathy for either his wife or his own distressed infant.

Why are you with someone who slams a door in your face?

Oh dear, daddy's overwhelmed... even though hes done fuck all and left it to mum. Best chat to him when hes had a good sleep, don't disturb him. Just do it all until he feels less overwhelmed...

Dear God.

Yanbu op. He is so selfish. How does he think you are coping?
both my kids had colic and it really stressful. Poor baby and poor you

It sounds like you're both struggling with new parenthood, which is not surprising, it's hard, but what to be achieved by deliberately remaining annoyed next day?

You could have put baby down for a few minutes. He could have held baby for a few minutes.

Ideally you'd have done one or both of those and given each other hug and a few moments of compassion, but I'm not going to pretend that's what would have happened when DS1 was tiny 😆

DH in a bad mood, unpleasant- basically being a petulant child, unsupportive, not a DH more a liability.

DH can’t handle her when she’s like this

Does DH handle her when she's not like this, or does it mostly fall to you?

He needs to get a grip, hes a parent now, pull his finger out and stop being a petulant prick. Does no one any good, not you or baby.

Weaponized incompetence alongside a smattering of abusive behaviours - sounds like a fabulous choice of life partner and father.

DS1 had pretty bad colic for almost 3 months. DH would come home from work and it would start soon after. He used to hold DS with the baby’s legs against his chest and rock his upper body gently up and down giving him some comfort. We would tag team doing this and eating dinner from about 7pm to 9.30pm. Every night for over ten weeks.

I am not going up mince my words. Your H is a pathetic excuse for a father. If mine had behaved like this, I would not have needed to threaten him with divorce. All it would have taken was a chat with PIL. My FIL was hands on with his DC in the late 60s/early 70s, as was my DF. There is no tolerating useless blokes who can’t help care for a baby in my family.

He needs to be told that caring for a baby includes often includes rocking a colicky baby and cleaning up poo and vomit.

Exactly. Yet mothers aren't given any leeway for being overwhelmed, even though they do the majority of the childcare, not even if they have post partum depression. They're still expected to do the work and act like rational, reasonable adults. A woman who did what this man did would be eviscerated on here.

Hard agree. Anyway you cut it he's not partner or parent material.