What activities and nice things did you once do that you've now forgotten or neglected?

[TheTecknician]

My stand-out ones are birthdays, Christmas and summer holidays. I cast all of these in the skip years or even decades ago and the common factor is the behaviour of my both-deceased parents. Thankfully, my own birthdays were relatively unscathed but I can recall a few of those of my brothers and sisters where their bad tempers and excessive alcohol intake (mainly Dad, to be fair) caused a scene in a restaurant or pub or back home later that completely destroyed the occasion. Similarly, more than one Christmas suffered the same fate. I gave up on Christmas thirty years ago because of this and I've never regretted it. And then three consecutive summer holidays in the 1980s were marred by my parents fall-outs. Again, these were mainly due to Dad's short fuse, bullying attitude and tendency to get pissed. I've had a few holidays by myself since then but I was a lot younger then and it's my only option now - and not an attractive one. I haven't been on holiday for 26 years and I just can't be bothered any more.

I've faced fairly kind criticism because I apparently don't appear to have any fun (I hate that word) but I don't think it's my fault I lost interest because of factors beyond my control many years ago. My six older brothers and sisters seem unaffected in terms of birthdays, celebrations, weddings, holidays and so on but I appear to be permanently scarred. I guess being a lifelong singleton hasn't helped me.

Does anyone else feel like me? AIBU to still feel this way?

I don't blame you a bit. Your family sounds very dysfunctional and I would want to avoid that too.

I've not forgotten or neglected celebrations, I just don't want to do them. I don't care much for Christmas or birthdays since the kids are grown and in their 30s and 40s. I buy presents and go to dinner (or whatever they want to do) for birthdays but no birthday parties. I never celebrate my own birthday and I don't do much at Christmas. No tree, no decor, no excessive fussing with the meal. My mother used to go all out decorating, cooking a huge meal and baking up a storm every year, which I always thought was unnecessary. She did it because that's what her mother did, but I have broken that cycle by being a lazy arse. ;-) I make a nice meal but it's simple, no complicated dishes or multiple courses. I will get my kids and my niece presents but I won't do Christmas gift exchanges anymore. I was dragooned into that by my family for years and always hated it. Then my mother decided to do that stupid gift auction game instead and I hated that even more. I rarely see the family members who live in the same area as I do because they are hopeless addicts and it's depressing and stressful to be around that. So that tends to ruin the atmosphere of a celebration. One in particular is always a turd in the punch bowl.

I know exactly what you mean. I've been very aware of it myself because I have kids and there's a lot of expectation and comparisons with whatever the norm is. People either follow their parents' footsteps, or they purposefully go in a different direction. Some things just weren't done in my childhood so I have never learned to do them, even if it's a cultural norm. My siblings also act like nothing has affected them, but I know better. Most people cannot admit to things like this.

My birthday was never celebrated as a child so I've never celebrated it. It always seems very strange to me that adults consider their birthday an important day that deserves a celebration. I don't think that will ever change, and I also think that staying mostly single affects that. If I were to have a long term partner that celebrated birthdays eventually it would be normal I think. But in my house only my kids get birthday celebrations.

I've tried to have the attitude of creating my own ways of doing things, which has been pretty fun. It often feels like I'm a child again but this time I get to do whatever I want. For instance, last Christmas I let the kids open one present from under the tree or get one thing from their stocking every day. Last Christmas was extra hard because we're american and the "election" had just happened and it's been extremely grim ever since. I think being american helps too because of the individualism. But for those of us that didn't get happy traditions at home, the fuck'em attitude can be quite healing, even as adults. So if you think you are missing out on something the world says is "fun," maybe try it and see if it makes you feel good. But the key is doing it the way you want. As long as you aren't hurting anyone (including yourself!) you get to have your own way of doing things. I hate weddings but I love wedding cake, so I have no problem going to a bakery and ordering a little cake for myself. I don't really date, but I will dress up and go out, even if its by myself, with just a cheap coffee. Honestly now I find it freeing to not belong to society in that way. I can do things my way. So instead of comparing my ways to others like I'm the odd one, I do the opposite. I view my way as the best way, because it is to me. It's not unreasonable to be aware of what your parents ruined for you, to refrain from those things, or to start your own little things to celebrate. You do you!

We never celebrated birthdays and Christmas growing up due to problems in the family, and holidays were primarily to visit family, never just to visit a place and explore. We also didn’t do sports or have hobbies. It used to affect me, having had such a joyless childhood, but what has really helped is going completely the other way as an adult. I now celebrate anything and everything - birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Halloween, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and fill my free time with nights out, gigs, festivals, etc. I also love travel and go on several holidays a year. And I’m super fit and sporty now - learned to swim, ski, paddle board, kayak, play tennis etc. all in adulthood.

Having a joyless childhood sucks, but it’s up to us as adults to make up for it if we want. That’s the best thing about growing up - you get more control over your life and can choose to make it fantastic. 😊

I'm another one that doesn't do birthdays or Christmases... I mean, I'll buy and send gifts to other people, but I don't celebrate them. I suspect that it was years of enforced birthday parties (despite the fact that I didn't want them, and didn't have very many friends anyway!) that put me off them. Christmases just came with a lot of pressure because, as a girl, I spent it working with my female relatives to make the day nice for the males (when anyone over 18 dominated the TV with James Bond, drank and generally passed out on the sofa mid-afternoon). I'm also not a naturally sociable person and I find enforced socialisation all day a bit much, even with people that I like.

I still get invited to spend Christmas with family, but I usually volunteer to work that day (and any day around Christmas) as it is more peaceful 😳

YANBU to still feel that way, but even as a singleton, you can still find ways to have fun doing the things that you like!

I think you’re spot on that being a singleton makes this harder. I put an effort in for dh, for birthdays, Christmas, and started to heal because he was a safe person to let down my guard and have fun with. And when dc came along, I put even more effort in to having fun with them. It helped define the line and leave the past in the past.

It’s far, far harder to do that by yourself, or just for yourself. So don’t compare yourself unfavourably to your siblings. I’ve never actually spoken to dh about this stuff, so it’s not even that he’s being intentionally supportive. But just trying not to rain on his good mood, because I love him, and don’t want up spread the contagion, was enough to make a difference.

I’m sorry I don’t have a concrete suggestion for you, but I do want to acknowledge how hard it is to move past.

Thankyou all. I wouldn't say my family is dysfunctional but perhaps a little strait-laced, awkward sometimes. It was M&D who were the problem - mainly, but not exclusively Dad - and if anyone was going to ruin something it would be one of them. And bad moods and alcohol were almost always involved. Dad could be quite prone to mood swings and Mum could really sulk when she wanted. Their rows and fallings-out were legendary in retrospect but frightening and upsetting when I was a youngster. It amazes me they stayed married until they were both dead.

As I stated upthread, I seem to have borne the brunt of the emotional damage whereas my six older siblings seem to have turned out all right. They are all married, five with children and two with grandchildren and have had successful careers too and all seem to be able to manage - even enjoy - the things I've abandoned. I guess I felt much more and probably saw and heard much more than I should.