Really needing someone to talk to :(

[Newbabynewhouse]

Not an interesting post really. Just me feeling very down and feeling I've nowhere to turn :( . Just want to disclose my username is old so I don't have a newborn baby. I think it's important people know that when reading.
Basically, I've always struggled with fitting in, school, college, Uni. Jobs. I seem to jump from one me job to another as I am never happy, I never stick to hobbies/courses. I start out at soemthing and don't finish it. I was always average in school so adhd/autism was never considered however I'm now mid thirties and strongly feel I am autistic/adhd. It makes so much sense. My house it always messy no matter how hard I try to keep it clean
I pay for car valets and swear I'll keep it clean, it ends up like a skip within weeks. My garden is full of weeds, fence needs painting, house needs decorating and I feel so ashamed. This isn't who I want to be. Im not dirty or lazy I just try but get nowhere.
I finally found a job that I loved months ago and now the work is getting on top of me. I was getting on so well with the team and now I'm starting to feel like they don't like me despite me trying so hard to be nice and helpful. My manager is starting to pull me up on work not being done but I'm so overwhelmed. We are short staffed and I feel this is having a massive impact however it seems to be on me that the work isn't done. I'm getting given a support plan now which is shit as I haven't passed probation yet and it wouldn't look good when applying for other jobs if I decided to leave now.. I am working my arse off and can't work harder. Even logging in after work to try and catch up but paid less than £13 an hour! I feel so trapped... I can't find any jobs that align with my degree(education) don't want to do nurseries or schools anymore.
My dad is my world and he's is currently having tests for cancer as of last week and I can't stop crying. My mum is mentally and physically unwell.. I feel I've got nobody to talk to who really understands me. I do have a partner who lives with Me but things aren't great in our relationship. I'm so unhappy with the way I look, weight wise I'm very obese and terrified I'm going to become ill because of it but literally have no time to look after myself. I sit down all day in a desk job, nobody will babysit and my partner works evenings so I'm.alone every evening of the week with my child. I'm so depressed and just don't know where to start. Gp only offer tablets I've been on allosrts of anti depressants before and don't want to go back on them...I don't know what to do. Thanks for reading and I don't ry know what I'm looking for in response but happy to read any responses anyone might have to my rant :(

I am so sorry that you’re feeling this way. It’s an awful stress when your close loved ones are facing potential serious illness. Give yourself a bit of a breather if you can. You can only do one thing at a time and if I were you, I’d start with a massive brain dump to get things out of your head and into paper (it seems like you have a few outstanding tasks that are weighing on your mind)
once you’ve done that, try to build some self love and research shame spirals. It sounds like you’re in one and you need to step out of it.
I hope this helps a little

Page 12 | A thread for those who don’t have friends in real life. | Mumsnet
You can post on the linked thread if you think it might help, @Newbabynewhouse

I recommend deciding to treat yourself as a highly prized and loved project. The list of things that feel wrong sounds like ADHD combined with major life stressors snd a really skimpy social life—unsupportive or ill or busy.

Take just a couple if issues and look at it from a disability perspective. That is: figure out where you want to go (climb mt everest?) and figure out what structural and social supports you need to make it happen.

You want snd need to be in better shape? Choose something healthy that you can do at low cost in a safe environment like walking/exercising to a video online. Or fo couch to 5 k. Prioritize yourself.

Prioritize your time with your father. Limit your time with your mother. There is only so much of you to go around.

With respect to work give yourself challenge metrics and try to meet them otherwise you will spiral into a self imposed negative cycle with your coworkers.

It is so hard when you feel like everything is against you and life in an uphill struggle..

Firstly, work. Tell them about the issues in your personal life, your mum and dad. They may be understanding and give you support. Keep a list of the tasks to do at work each day, pick one and complete it then cross it off. For me, the act of crossing something off on a written list feels like success and energises me..

Weight, well, I also have a desk job and can move so little in a day I do less than 1000 steps so i do get it. However, you can still lose weight. A tracked and weighed, calorie controlled diet will do this. Add in a bit of movement and you'll need surprised how the weight will come off. You have evenings free? Try the exercise videos on YouTube to get you started.

You need to start investing in you.