MiL critical, passive aggressive and manipulative? - AIBU?

[EmeraldEmu]

Hi all,

New mum and new to here - I’m open to advice and opinions.

DP knows his mum is materialistic and has described her as Hyacinth Bucket - needless buys all sorts of things to ‘keep up’, wants others to think she is the dogs bxxxxxxs etc. DP obviously loves her and is very appreciative that she worked hard to bring him up on her own etc. but he has said that ‘there’s always a catch’ if she does him a favour though.

MiL kindly looks after DS a day a week which saves us a lot in childcare which we greatly appreciate. However she is unable to take responsibility when she’s wrong, doesn’t talk about it and gets upset and angry if you try (emotionally immature). She also notoriously disregards any rules she doesn’t like and thinks the rules are wrong. There have been various things that have happened in the last couple of years to give a flavour…

Whilst pregnant and we got a good result from the scan to see if DS would have Down’s syndrome- MiL said ‘aw, that’s a shame’ (!!?!) she looks after a man with downs so I think it came out wrong but she didn’t apologise or acknowledge it. When DP spoke to her about it she said ‘fine I won’t say anything at all’

Backed squarely into my (new) car - said she just didn’t see it. Said she’d pay for the (minor) damage but has never mentioned it again

Refuses to wear a seatbelt whilst she drives - no medical condition and won’t talk about it. Would rather have the buzzer going for the whole journey!

Makes remarks like I’m controlling towards DP (eg he asks for a soft drink and she says ‘aww, let him have a beer’ when I don’t have any opinion and have nothing to do with DPs choices).

Says that she ‘hates’ my occupation because they have taken her to task when she hasn’t followed the rules.

Makes indirect criticism of our parenting - eg when I discussed when DS will be ready to potty train said ‘oh, I didn’t FORCE (DP) to use the potty’. Accused us of giving DS in growing toenails (‘you’ve cut his nails too short’) without asking what was going on with them (one snapped when he was cruising)

MiL goes out of her way to ‘buy’ us things she knows we like which would be kind if it didn’t feel like she is trying to manipulate us to make it difficult to have honest conversations with her.

She hasn’t asked us but has decided to buy a car seat for DS and to take him places that she hasn’t asked us about. DP has previously discussed how she must wear a seatbelt etc.

We found a half drink fruit shoot whilst she had looked after DS - when asked she said it was to catch wasps.

I don’t trust her. I don’t want her looking after DS. DP understands and agrees with my worries but wants to give her a chance. I want a frank conversation about it all as I think she deserves that but DP thinks it will make it all blow up (to which I say fine) but I don’t want DP to be in an awkward position.

what would you do?

So sorry for the long post - wanted to give context!! :)

Use a nursery or bite your tongue is the bottom line..
No seat belt alone she wouldn't be having my dc.

I wouldn't get worked up about a fruit shoot, but no seat belt would be a deal breaker as its breaking the law and not safe.
With family childcare, we has my parents and PIL helping us. We sucked up the odd issue as it was free childcare with family. Anything big we spoke about openly luckily there was only 1 or 2 which were listened too.
I have friends whose children have been in nursery and there have been issues too.

Pay for a nursery! How can you let dc in a car with her? DP is already in a no win position because he’s piggy in the middle and probably wants peace. So stop being beholden to her and back off. Let DP deal with her if he wants to. If he doesn’t, then he’s clearly balancing you and his mum and prefers mum not be upset.

In this situation I would like to her and say you’ve been told you’ll lose the nursery place unless your child goes xx times a week so that’s why you won’t need her to look after him one day a week any more. It sounds like she won’t take on board anything you say so best just to change things so she’s not looking after your child any more

Just don't see her often or use her for childcare. Her son can see her as often as he wants.
If she's crashing her car into stuff and doesn't wear a seatbelt, she can't have your kid in her car at all.

This. She'll still be available in emergencies....

Jist pay for childcare and don’t see her socially. There’s absolutely no need for the List of Crimes.

Apart from the seatbelt which would be a deal breaker, the rest sounds a bit picky of you or a bit thoughtless of her. I don't think she is being deliberately manipulative in buying you nice things. At the end of the day it is up to you if you want to give her a bit of leeway or get your childcare elsewhere.

thanks everyone - totally open to me being picky & @Battels I wasn’t trying to list her ‘crimes’ but thought that without context (either of her behaviour or my thoughts) it might be difficult for people to give opinions/leave more questions. The seatbelt issue is my main one and whilst DP says he’s spoken to her; given that she treats DP like a child I don’t see how a conversation would change it. Appreciate all feedback - thanks so much 😊

You cannot leave dc with an irresponsible adult can you? It’s non negotiable. Why is DP not leading in a solution? He’s too passive in my view.

Whatever you do don't let her sit in the back of your car without a seatbelt on. The advert about what happens during a crash in that situation haunts me.

Yanbu, I absolutely hate it when people won't follow rules or listen, let her blow up and when she does point out the emotional immaturity. She sounds vile tbh.

I wouldnt be having any chats.

Get dp to simple tell her that she wears a seat belt or doesnt have dc, the same with food. If she can't follow rules then you will be putting dc into nursery that day.

I can't agree with you on this OP. She sounds far from perfect but who isn't? The woman looks after your child one day a week, for free - that's incredible.

Incredible? The woman won’t wear a seatbelt. Would you let your child in a car with her?

She sounds like a fucking nightmare, and she’d not be looking after any child of mine.

@healthybychristmas It’s also illegal and the driver is fined.

She sounds irritating but the fact that she doesn’t listen to you, lies to you and doesn’t wear a seat belt would be enough for me.
I’d find alternative childcare and maybe ask her to babysit the odd time rather than regular childcare.

I think if you list the things anyone does it won’t look great but if she annoys you that much don’t go in a car with her, don’t talk about your job etc. if you don’t trust her looking after your child just frame it to your dh as how fab other childcare is for eg socialisation, don’t cut her out or you’ll have no back up (plus to be fair she doesn’t sound the worst although the seatbelt thing is nuts!)