I’m in my early 40s and have been with my partner, who’s in his mid-40s, for two years. We live together and had planned to build a life together. But over time, I started to realise that he’s not always truthful with me. At first, it was about small things, but then the lies started to get bigger. He began hiding how much he actually drinks. I discovered bottles of whiskey stashed away, and there were times when I could smell alcohol on his breath but he’d deny having been drinking.
I had a stressful medical appointment coming up, and I’d asked him well in advance if he could drive me and be there to support me. The day before the appointment, he told me he was going to a friend’s house in the afternoon to play darts. That night, he called me blind drunk to say he wasn’t coming home. I was upset—he knew about the appointment, he knew how anxious I was about it, and I thought he should have come home. The next day, he showed up at the appointment stinking of booze, with bloodshot eyes, and he wasn’t much company.
I asked him who he’d been with the previous night because something felt off. He just said, “his friend and some of his friend’s family.”
Fast forward a few months, and I found a strange message on his phone from a young woman. It only made sense if there were earlier messages, but there weren’t any. When I asked him about it and whether he’d deleted messages, he admitted that he had—he said it was to avoid conflict. He told me the message was harmless. I let it go at the time, but I couldn’t shake this nagging feeling. The woman’s last name was the same as his friend’s—the one whose house he’d spent the night at.
A few months later, it came up again, and he admitted that his friend’s 20-year-old niece had been there that night. He said she had messaged him to see if he wanted to meet up.
After more questioning a few weeks later, he finally revealed that he’d flirted with her that night, they’d exchanged numbers, and they’d messaged with the intention of meeting up. He later decided against it and told her he had a partner—which meant he hadn’t told her that on the night they met. He admitted he liked the attention and was flattered that someone much younger found him attractive. They were still connected on social media until a few days ago when I asked him to stop following her.
All of this came out in dribs and drabs over the course of a month or so. All of this happened at a time when I thought our relationship was solid. Now, the reality feels so different, and I can’t believe I ignored all the warning bells for so long. I feel stunned and stupid and humiliated and angry. I don’t know how to move forward with him after this.