To wonder how much help should be expected from me here?

[MegsDancer]

I'm going to start by saying I'm having a mental health crisis at the moment. I've had two bereavements and just this weekend found out my close friend is entering the late stages of a terminal illness. My partner left me and I was laid off at work. The good news is I've been attending therapy for a month and can feel very incremental progress.

This brings me to - my mother has decided to move in to my grandparents home asap (my gran died 3 months ago). She asked for my help to do so and so far I've spent

• 3 full weekends helping to clear out
• 1 full week staying with her to help with various tasks

But I find this time does take a toll on me, due to my own associated difficulties with the home she's leaving and seeing my grandparents house ripped apart and changed.

She's now saying she needs lots more help from me this month. I have suggested she gets a removal van and a couple of removal men (money isn't an issue) or a friend has offered to help her many times and she's taken him up on it just once. AIBU?

Absolutely none. "I'm not able to Mum, good luck with it!" and done. Take care of yourself.

@takealettermsjones the issue she was a single mum so she relies on me. And she does help me with things when I need her although I would never ask extensively like this.

She very much has this expectation 'I need your help' not 'can you help'

How do I explain to her then that I can't help as much as she might like?

YANBU - just explain to your mum that she will have to have paid help as you are unable to.

Just explain it to her the same way you've explained it to us on here.

Point her to other resources she can use, especially if money not an issue. Say "I'm really sorry I just can't right now."

She is used to relying on you but she absolutely can do it on her own, especially if you signpost where she might get help.

”Mum I can’t help this week, I have my own stuff to do.”

”Mum I told you to hire help because they are going to be much better than me at sorting things and lifting stuff.”

If you need a “white lie” tell her you have pulled a muscle in your back and the GP has told you not to do anything for a few weeks.

The house move has also come at the worst possible time. It was always going to dredge up emotional stuff for me but she was intent on moving in asap - don't think she's event taken time to process the bereavement that led to it.

Of course she helps you, she's your mum! And you help her, when you can. Right now, you can't. That's not something to feel guilty about, it's a neutral fact. If you were working abroad in Timbuktu you would be unable to help. You are currently mentally in Timbuktu! (Said facetiously to try to make you smile, not to make fun of you at all!)

@takealettermsjones it's difficult because I'm currently unemployed (but that may change pending a second interview this week) so she thinks my time is fair game. I did tell her about the therapist.

I am just finding it hard to explain why it's hard to help her practically when I'm struggling so much emotionally/mentally. Not sure I can fully explain it myself. In Timbuktu is right!

“I need to focus on finding a new job Mum, I have several applications to complete and an interview to prepare for”

It's irrelevant how much is being expected. What is important is how much you are able and willing to give. If you've reached your limit, say so.

The thing about helping others is that you're only going to feel good about it if you have the means, the motivation, and the money to do it. It's like the fire triangle. If one of those things is missing then sure, you might find yourself doing it anyway, but it won't make you feel good and it'll end up taking more from you than you intended.

So yes, you have the time, but you don't have the energy/mental fortitude - that counts you out on both means and motivation. If you do it anyway, it's going to drain you, and you don't currently have the stores to be depleted like that. You need to protect your own health.

Re. explaining to your mum - do you have to explain it to her? Maybe you tell her you've been advised to take up some volunteer work while you're job searching, so actually, you don't have the time after all. A shame. 😉

Have you told your therapist about this expectation from your mum?

@takealettermsjones I haven't mentioned this to my therapist because we're so busy dealing with all the other things that have happened.

I will aim to mention it in my next session though.

I have also just text the friend who said he would help (but who she doesn't seem to be calling upon) to say she particularly needs help in the next fortnight. I can't be expected to be the only one to help because as you say, the mental and emotional fortitude is not there. It actually makes me feel she isn't taking my current state of mind seriously at all.

Hi again everyone - so I'm here again helping her for the last 5 nights. When I told her how long I'd be staying she pouted I wasn't staying longer.

She asked if I'll come back again next week. Which I'll say no to - I don't even know how to give an excuse because the reason is - I don't want to? I want to be at home living my own life. She keeps saying its overwhelming but god all the time we spend going back and fort shifting silly boxes she could have got a removal van.

We almost had a fight as she said 'we'll need to decide which furniture to keep' - I said NO you'll decide.

@MegsDancer several posters have given you reasons you can give your mum about why you won’t be helping her more. Have you tried any of them? Her pouting is not your problem, she is in control of herself and it’s not your responsibility to make her happy and content or to do whatever she says.

The fact that you've just stayed for 5 nights and she pouted when you couldn't stay longer just goes to show that it will never be enough no matter what you do.

And you absoutely can give the reason "because I don't want to" .