To ask 4 year old to play with his little brother

[Cinqueterre88]

I have a 4.5 year old and a 2.5 year old. The youngest idolises his brother and always wants to play with him. They have shared interests - dinosaurs and reptiles although the eldest is starting to lose interest in dinosaurs now.

Quite often the eldest will tell the youngest he wants to play by himself and doesn’t want to play with him. The youngest always reacts disappointed and sad, so I often tell the eldest it’s kind to play with his brother and he should play with him for a little bit. Especially whilst I’m trying to make tea and need them to play for 10 mins.

is this the wrong thing to do? Should the eldest be given the freedom to play by himself every time he wants to and not include his brother if that’s what he wants? I really want to help foster a strong bond between them and not sure if I’m getting this wrong

thanks

You definitely won't foster a strong bond by making the older one resent his younger brother and see playing with him as a chore! At this stage you probably need to play with them to encourage them to play together. It's not a realistic expectation that your 4 yr old will entertain your 2 yr old so you can cook dinner, unfortunately.

I wouldn’t make the eldest play with his brother - but every time the youngest acted disappointed and sad I’d scoop him up and cuddle him - and ask him what he’d like to do for a treat - I’m all for all kids making independent decisions - that’s why this would be my response

No, you can't expect the 4yo to play with the 2yo at specific times to suit you.

Can't you get the 2yo to help with dinner if the 4yo wants alone time? My son's around that age and he loves taking the cups and cutlery to the table and badly cutting up veg with plastic knives.

No, I don't think you should make them play together as the older one will start to resent his little brother. The thing you can do is try to facilitate games they both enjoy so that they both want to take part.

Don’t force it. Spend time playing with them and they will naturally start to interact and play together more.

Pick your battles and try not to keep saying “play with your brother!”

Against the grain, I think it's fine to occasionally say ,just play nicely together for a couple of minutes while I do this thing . You live together as a family and need to rub along. That's not the same as the older one being expected to entertain the little one for ages or regularly.

I agree. 4 is still very little, I think you're expecting too much of him really. Playing with them is the way to go to help them learn how to play together nicely.

It probably isn’t ideal. I know I do something similar though. Mine have a much bigger age gap and I have occasionally asked the older to occupy the younger. But eldest is able to understand better as older. Still resents it sometimes.

This.

This.

You can't expect a 4 year old to play with his brother while you do housework. Fibre activities that you can do together. That might help himmthem bond

No they need I dependent time and good luck and well done if you're getting anything useful done with a 2 and 4 yr old in the house all day!

My kids are 3 years apart and they have to be kind to each other but they didn't have to play together - the best way to ruin a good relationship is forcing it. They might play together more often as they get older, 2.5 is a really different stage than 4.5 years old so it's a tricky time to force it.

I'm a similar age with my sister (I'm older) and my Mum used to do the same thing and I always resented her and we didn't get on at all growing up. Funnily enough my Mum has always complained about hers doing the same thing with her sister so I don't know why she did the same.

Yeah I think asking the older one to play with the younger one is fine but don’t push it or ask again.

My kids have a larger gap and I was very conscious to never make the older one feel like they had to look after their sibling as it wasn’t their responsibility - especially in things like softplay or activities which could have caused resentment. They have a brilliant relationship now.

I think it's fine from time to time, that's definitely how I was raised and how my family does thing.

My 2 kids play (or argue 😅) together all the time, but there are time where the eldest wants to play on his own. Depending on the circumstances I will ask him to be kind and play with his sister, or take her with me to do something else.

I'm fine with him needing his space, but he tends to be very controlling with her, so I don't accept him being cold to her just because she doesn't want to do what he wants.

The reverse is true too though and sometimes she wants to do her own things and I have to comfort him!

Nope. But you can facilitate it by getting out an interesting activity that needs two little people.

Or, by employing some psychology. My first was like this with their Thomas stuff, where the second desperately wanted to join in. So, we got the second some interesting Thomas trains and buildings and set them up with it. In no time the first wanted it all joined together with theirs and to play with it all together with their sibling😁.

Why is the feelings of the 2.5yr old more important than the 4yr old?

Because youre too busy and want a babysitter??

Wrong on both counts. Sometimes the 4yr ild needs to have their needs considered

Let the 4yr old have their time, and teach the 2.5yr ild that sometimes people need some space, it doesn't mean they don't ever want to play, just not right now. Also teaching the 2.5yr ild they don't always get what they want.

life lessons

Totally this, kids this age don’t really play together, they play side by side.