FaceTiming MIL on holiday

[shelle07]

My MlL has asked my DH to FaceTime her while we are on holiday, and I’m annoyed by this.
In 30 years we have never done this before, and only ever messaged and sent photos. When she used to go away we didn’t even get a postcard or message. She lives in the same village but rarely comes to see us or call. Never messages my husband to ask how he or we are. No interest in the grandchildren and their lives. The effort is always ours. She says we are too busy so she never tries. She hardly ever speaks to our children, and when we do see her she is really judgemental, negative, and doom and gloom. She always switches their conversations to topics of her interest.
my DH goes to see her every week, and even then she guilts him into not doing enough or when she wants him to. His sister only ever sees her once a year for a day (she lives a couple of hours away) so he makes all of the effort. He is away most of the week with work and we get very little spare time running the kids to clubs, matches, training etc… In an ideal world MIL would pop in for a coffee now and again or invite us over for a meal, but she won’t. She will only come to us by invite, and even then it has to be a whole afternoon thing as she sits and waits to be waited on. She never helps us and it all has to be about her. The effort is 99% all ours.
We go on holiday for a break from everything and to spend quality time together. Our son has adhd and it is really testing on us as a family, and we really need this time to reconnect. We get no other family support.
DH works abroad a lot and she never asks him to FaceTime her when he is away then.
If we had a close relationship with my MIL and I knew she genuinely cared about all of us I wouldn’t have a problem face timing her, but I know he would be doing this out of fear obligation and guilt, and she will use this as an opportunity to put on the tears and make him feel guilty somehow. I just feel like she is doing this to compete for his attention because he is away with us.

Is it at a specific time? Or just a general request? Once or more than once? How did she ask? Just seems a bit odd!

It sounds like she is playing silly games, my mother in law used to play them too, she eventually lost and now DH sees her grudgingly when required out of sheer duty. We were in a very similar position, one other sibling living at a distance and rarely on the scene - yet somehow the golden child.

In this scenario I would say to DH if he felt it was essential to FaceTime MIL it is once over the course of the holiday, and I assume going forward he will be doing the same when he’s away with work too? Then I would suggest the DC join him in the hotel room for the call and I take myself off for a coffee/walk/swim/spa/long bath etc.

You have my full sympathies, but as the old tale goes ‘play silly games, win silly prizes’.

How odd, I’d just get DH to shut it down and say something like, ‘we’ve never done this before, we’re only away a week/fortnight, I’ll come and see you when we’re home like normal’.

Basically push the idea this isn’t what you’d ever normally do and not let her start any emotional blackmail - I bet it’s something one of her friends adult children do so she’s got it in her head.

Message to say the wifi's dreadful.

My MIL is the same. Imposes herself at the worst time out of competition - gets FOMO at every opportunity and makes it clear but then when she is included and invited (always our effort) she’s a miserable bitch and moans about it all.

She does the FaceTime thing as well - whilst on holiday. When in all other circumstances you can bear not to see us or the kids for two weeks but when we are away you decide you want a video call?! (More FOMO).

Can totally understand your frustration and irritation at her. It’s not about this one call it’s about a lifetime of her bullshit.

Leave it up to DH, he can call her once, the kids won’t be interested. And if she doesn’t answer….not your problem? Dont let her win.

I can’t really see the big deal. All of you on FT together:

”hello mum, yes the trip here was fine and the accommodation is lovely. No need to cry we are only gone a few days. Hope you have a great week and see you when we are home!”

You can get dh to wind up the conversation if she gets weepy by saying “oh we have to go for our dinner now sorry but we will call again another day.”

If your dh doesn't want to comply with this request (and it should be entirely his choice, you need to stay out of it) then he needs to say something light like "why the sudden request to FT Mum? I really don't like doing phone calls like that and it's not like we never see each other. I'll message to let you know we're all fine and see you when we get back".

Don't be an instigator or participant in the "silly games" referenced by pp. Just let the woman get on with her life without imposing your great long list of rules and expectations on her.

My mil does this but she wants it as soon as we get there which leads to me being left to deal with the unpacking with the children while dh gets a chitty chatty show off the view and shit. Even my older teens are fucked off with it now and made rather loud “I’ll help mum sort out the stuff then” while looking at their dad. They all refuse to take part in the hi nanny’s bye nanny they were busy helping.

Hadn’t seen her in nearly two months but the second we are about to go away suddenly she’s popped in twice and needs texts and FaceTime on route and arrival.

I hear you!
Day 1, get on FT with her whilst unpacking & chaotic. Give about 40% of your attention and then suggest you’re off out now - pop in for coffee when back. Done. Then it’s on her to arrange the next contact too & gets it out the way early doors.

It will just definitely be because one of her friends does it with their children. It is always a show.

The kids don’t want to speak to her. We’ve never been a FaceTime family.

She is a massive attention seeker and will have no shame in trying to worry us for some reason, hence me being so against the call as we would be giving her the opportunity to do this and spoil our holiday worrying (which always comes to nothing)