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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU- screens/kids . Feel like giving up

70 replies

Biggadyboom · 10/08/2025 21:03

I try so bloody hard to explain that we have limits/boundaries for their sake of their health.

Our rules - They have two hours a day, sometimes more if we’re having a family movie night or on Friday or Saturday nights. They are 13 and 15

and they are constantly asking for more. Constantly sneaking more. Constantly looking at their phones, turning on the telly.

i feel like i do nothing but police their addictions. They are so foul to me because of it .

aibu for just giving up? But then I can’t do that can I? They have developing brains and bodies, I can’t surrender them to screen addiction

just want to fucking throw all the screens away, feel like they are ruling/ruining our lives.

OP posts:
DeliciouslyBaked · 10/08/2025 23:59

Based on your updates OP, what about tackling it in a different way? Allow more time but get rid of the small screens / YouTube rubbish. Find things on tv that you can watch together. You mention your eldest likes Fireman Sam - is that the level they can manage or is more because its a special interest? There are lots of similar older shows on Amazon Prime, things like Kipper, Thomas the Tank Engine etc that is slower, older tv. Watch it all together and then its less about the flicking reels. Or how about nature documentaries? There are lots of those around. My DC are much younger so im not speaking from experience with older teens, but this has been our approach - basically no small phone screens and shared tv where we can sit together in the lounge and discuss what weve all just watched.

Franjipanl8r · 11/08/2025 00:07

I think if it’s becoming a battle then cut screens out altogether and slowly reintroduce to see what the comfortable limit is. All children are unique and it sounds like the 2 hour limit isn’t working for anyone. I think far too many parents are scared of cutting right down on screens. For some families that works well, for some it doesn’t. Don’t be afraid to even try it.

JLou08 · 11/08/2025 00:16

2 hours a day for a teenager is not enough. My teens need to do their homework online. They talk to friends online, phones are huge for socialising now with group chats and video calls. They listen to music on their phone, same way I used to listen to it on an walkman but they're not around anymore. Music has been a huge thing for teenagers through the generations, having that limited so much is harsh. My teens use it to support their hobbies off the screen by finding pieces of music and watching drawing tutorials. Watching TV for a couple of hours when not out with friends was also something that happened when I was growing up without anyone batting an eye lid.
I think you do need to give up restricting them so heavily. We are in a time when screens are pretty essential to life. I agree with very limited screen time for Primary age and definitely for pre-school age but teens do need them.

minipie · 11/08/2025 00:24

Autumn38 · 10/08/2025 21:59

Also depersonalise it. It’s not mum taking the screen away. You can even sympathise ‘oh dear is that it?? Frustrating if you were in the middle of something but nothing i can do…’

then distract with something else.

This works when they are 6 and 8 but not 13 and 15!! They will know full well that mum can turn off the limit.

BogRollBOGOF · 11/08/2025 00:29

What are you expecting them to do when they're not on screens?

Generally it's not so much that screens are the problem as inappropriate content and not having a range of other experiences.

My 14yo is autistic ("high functioning", mainstream school). He uses the computer a lot. He also goes out doing structured exercise several times a week, and paints/ plays warhammer. He will not go out casually socialising. He's also dyslexic and will not read for pleasure. We do go out on some outings through the week, but there are limits on his social energy and budget. He's long outgrown popping to the playground for filling an hour or accompanying mummy to the shops.

The reality is that at 14, I also gamed/ tinkered on the computer a lot (although there weren't the dangers of internet access at the time i
on my 386). If I was lucky, I could sneek a few hours on DB's SNES and play Street Fighter 2 or Aliens (less purposeful than DS's taste in strategy games). I went out doing less exercise than DS, and DM offered a far more restricted range of repetitive outings. I had about 10 VHSs avaliable to watch on rotation.
Teenage me only wins virtue points against him for being a keen reader, but I don't have the disadvantage of dyslexia being a hinderence. I'm not stunted by my dull, repetitive teenage years.

On balance DS isn't doing so badly.
I try not to sweat the screens too much.

autienotnaughty · 11/08/2025 07:41

When my dds were 15 they had their phones all day but removed them 10pm-8am . Didn’t monitor tv time and they didn’t game. No devices when doing homework.

Biggadyboom · 11/08/2025 07:46

They can go for a walk, a bike ride, walk the dog, go to the park, they can do some housework or gardening, they can make some art, play with various toys, put on make up, listen to an audio book, ask for a chore, cook something. I also usually take them out somewhere regularly (this weekend we went to beach and went to an art workshop.

OP posts:
Barnbrack · 11/08/2025 07:50

Biggadyboom · 11/08/2025 07:46

They can go for a walk, a bike ride, walk the dog, go to the park, they can do some housework or gardening, they can make some art, play with various toys, put on make up, listen to an audio book, ask for a chore, cook something. I also usually take them out somewhere regularly (this weekend we went to beach and went to an art workshop.

Given their learning disabilities I'd say they probably have reduced executive function to plan activities. I'd take the route of giving them things TO do not telling them not to be on screens. 'ok, it's time to go in the garden, here's the gardening tools let's go' rather than that's screen time over. Works well for my eldest.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 11/08/2025 07:52

I don't limit screen time at all, and never have.

My only rules are that if I ask you to put it away or to watch something else (eg at dinner time, or just because the noise is annoying me) then you have to do so with no fuss, and the gadgets have to be on charge and not in use overnight (when younger, this was downstairs, now it's in their rooms, but they're so well trained it's not an issue, they like their sleep - and I have monitoring to prove that)

My kids are articulate, polite, doing well in school, IT literate, able to research, perfectly capable of concentrating, and have learned amazing things. My eldest actively tries to leave his mobile phone at home because he finds it annoying, and neither of them use the big TV much at all (just for family viewing together, or if we're playing together on the Switch)

Now I realise that that might not work for all kids, as we're all different, but it's not as simple as screen == bad

Ddakji · 11/08/2025 08:20

Having read your updates @Biggadyboom my question now is - why do they have phones at all?

Acommonreader · 11/08/2025 08:29

Autumn38 · 10/08/2025 21:59

Also depersonalise it. It’s not mum taking the screen away. You can even sympathise ‘oh dear is that it?? Frustrating if you were in the middle of something but nothing i can do…’

then distract with something else.

Distract them! They are 13 and 15 years old. I’d be quite concerned if they could be distracted so easily. 2hours is way over the top if it includes tv.

PlioTalk · 11/08/2025 09:03

Barnbrack · 10/08/2025 22:43

My husband was a gamer when young, I was very social (we met at 24), he spent a fair bit of his teenage years gaming with pals and writing computer games and just being a big geek. I spent my teenage years drinking in fields with pals and other social teenager pass times. We're both grand, well educated and sociable adults but he recently pointed the difference in our teen years out to me when I worried about our 7 year olds love of gaming. He's incredibly good at all things tech related and my husband has had him doing minor programming and things and he completes Zelda games and goes back and does challenges and aims to 100% the game etc. It's not at all mindless, it's strategizing etc and he talks to us endlessly about how it works and how he's going to approach a plan. He's neurodivergent and it's something that he's good at and helps his self esteem. He also swims, runs, does gymnastics and is starting a drama class soon but he gets a couple of hours a day to game and honestly life's too short to restrict it in our eyes.

This sounds so positive for your son, he's not mindlessly doom scrolling, he's actively learning new skills! Good on your husband for turning his teenage hobby into something educational and fun for your boy.

I didn't have ANY access to the Internet until I was 14; my dad refused to buy a PC as he thought it was nothing but an expensive toy, it was only when schoolwork started becoming heavily computer-reliant that he reluctantly caved. I wasn't EVER allowed gaming consoles.

I'm crap with tech to this day, I do envy people with tech skills!

BogRollBOGOF · 11/08/2025 09:06

They can go for a walk, a bike ride, walk the dog, go to the park, they can do some housework or gardening, they can make some art, play with various toys, put on make up, listen to an audio book, ask for a chore, cook something. I also usually take them out somewhere regularly (this weekend we went to beach and went to an art workshop.

Applying a teenager's mindset to the list (and it sounds very much like my kind of day pottering around the house in my 40s...)

Going for a walk? Where? For what purpose? Mine tend to be walkable only with an incentive like a McDonalds along the route. Not helped by being walked to near death by boredom in 2020/21. Possibly pokémon go, but been there done that, bored now.

Go to the park- there's naff all for teenagers to do in most local parks other than hanging out with friends, unless you travel to the best one in the surrounding area where there's more than a toddler-12 year old's playground. Most play equipment is not designed for 12+ and a lot of local play areas don't even come close to that. I could let mine wander down to the local park, but there is nothing of interest for them there.

A bike ride. DS2 ✅️ DS1 ❌️ DS1 is dyspraxic and feels uncomfortably vunerable on a bike despite being a competent rider.

Walk the dog- fair enough (not an option, we don't have one)

Housework/ gardening. Yawn, boring. Can be forced under duress, but it's not entertainment. It's a short necessary chore that fills more time with naggjng and cajoling than it takes to do.

Make-up (not applicable to my sons, not something I've considered a "thing to do", just a chore that you have to do for a wedding or funeral)

Audio book, I've tried encouraging this as my two struggle with reading due to dyslexia, but they are very particular about voice actors. Audio books tend to be background noise to doing something else rather than an activity in their own right.

Cooking- DS1 is scared of heat and sharps. We're gradually building him on basic feeding himself skills, but it's not fun from his perspective. DS2 is more willing but he's always got bored and drifted off after 5-10 mins.

Art/ Toys. DS2 will draw, mainly in evenings, not really in the middle of the day. Draw With Rob on youtube is good encouragement. Toys, DS1 likes his Warhammer and Lego. It's something he'll do for an hour at a time. DS2 does "play" but that's more of a drifting off into his own world and making sound effects rather than playing with items. He hasn't played with toys since he was 7 and lockdown starved him of inspiration by the summer.
Board games are out unless we're in the mood for WW3... our pb on Monopoly is DS1 storming off ranting before we'd even set the money and board up. The egos in this house are too competitive and fragile 😂

Teenagers are a weird interim age, even with development differences in the mix; they are still non-child, non-adult bundles of stroppy hormones. Even NT teenagers are rarely mature and self-motivated enough to do half that list willingly, but will probably do it under duress with much threat of consequences. ND teenagers still have those hormones but often struggle with executive function on top. Mine are burned out by keeping up in school and just want their brains to zone out for great chunks of their leisure time, and indulge their interests while they gradually recharge slower than average. DS1 is often ill on holidays because of this dynamic and that slows everything else up on top.
Their brains aren't wired to entertain themselves in the way that they did when they were 8. Teenagers and adults that "play" do so in a much more closed way than younger children do, it's more focused and less random. Brains specialise through the change from childhood to adulthood.

It's not that the list of activities is bad or unreasonable, but it's realistic that they will not be self-motivated to fill their day like that, and a lot of that they will need a lot of chivvying to do. A lot of the list walk/ cycle/ walk the dog/ park are variations of the same theme and you wouldn't do the 4 as seperate activities on one day. Walking the dog in the park is 3 in one go.

There is still plenty of time in a house day to do some of those things each day and have more screen time which is how teenagers have filled chunks of their time since the 80s/ 90s. Non-screen time is important, but most teenagers can accomodate more than 2 hours per day. Most teenagers who are not spontaneously sociable with a group of local friends will feel like hard work with those expectations because you're battling their desire to zone out doing their own thing.

Biggadyboom · 11/08/2025 09:08

Why do they have phones?

so they can learn how to use them. for keeping safe with burgeoning Independence . to keep in touch with family/friends by sending voice messages and phone/video calls. To take photos. To learn how to use voice recognition soft wear. To use Alexa/ai to help them navigate the world with literacy/numeracy challenges. To listen to audio books/music. To be trackable by phone when they go out alone.

wish they didn’t just want to use them to watch endless you tube reels!

although I do have the ability to turn you tube off thru screen time controls it’s also useful for them as they are learning to ask how to do things and it’s motivating them to practice skills in a way that I or school doesn’t have the ability to. The oldest also has a you tube channel And filming himself doing adventurous stuff is a big motivating factor in getting him to do new physical things. I just wish I could turn off the crappy reels that they inevitably sit glued to

OP posts:
AhBiscuits · 11/08/2025 09:09

Scrolling shorts and tiktok is not the same as watching a film on TV. I think you're being a bit too uptight about it all.

Thegazelles · 11/08/2025 09:15

I think two hours a day seems pretty low for teens. If they have already had an outing with you that day, in the summer holidays or weekends I would then be pretty relaxed if the content they can access is monitored. As a PP said, I would direct other activities as I felt necessary rather than making it into a battle.

BogRollBOGOF · 11/08/2025 09:16

I'm with you on the reels. Mind numbing rot Grin
It's annoying as I'm not against youtube (with a bit of quality control monitoring of what the algorithm puts their way) but I haven't found a way to seperately manage the shorts.

The video project is really positive. DS2 is interested in that kind of thing too. A couple of weeks ago we filmed a run/ bike ride together and he's edited it, so that got him out of the house somewhere different for 5 miles.

The Family Link parental controls we have on our phones means I can block apps like youtube, but still allow more constructive apps like Duolingo and Mimo (coding). It's faffy to temporarily block/ unblock in that way compared to just having the general access on/ off programmed in but can be done if they're being excessive on a particular app.

I don't know about built-in settings for apple though.

Azdcgbjml · 11/08/2025 09:21

With my children we gave up trying to impose restrictions other than that the phone has to be plugged in downstairs overnight. When they were younger I came up with a list, for the holidays, of things they had to do before they were allowed screen time. I can't remember everything on it now but it had stuff like reading and spending time outside. I also made a point of organising outings (often taking the dog out to a country park and letting them play in the playground), to keep them busy, as well as keeping up their sport training through the holiday. I figured as long as they had done plenty of the good stuff I could relax a bit about the screen time. They probably ended up with more screen time than ideal but at least we weren't constantly at loggerheads over it.

I'd suggest that if you want them doing other things you need to proactively organise that for them. It would be a rare teenager that would bother to do that for themselves.

Biggadyboom · 11/08/2025 09:28

Believe me I do proactively organise for them!

if I don’t they’ll just be back on screens.

it’s depressing

OP posts:
Biggadyboom · 11/08/2025 13:35

Enjoying all the perspectives, thank you

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