To still want a social life

[MineDaft]

My new job is demanding with few evening meetings (online). Not crazy hours really but I do work in the evenings after DC bedtime 2 or 3 times a week. Occasionally I need to go to event at weekend. 80% of my work is at home.

DH isn't career driven really. He is supportive and looks after kids if necessary or keeps them quiet if someone calls at a weird time

I tend to see friends once a week. Maybe slightly less. 3 times a month. Nothing crazy just catching up with old friends or ex colleagues or family. Im home 10pm or so.

My DH has sat me down this weekd amd said hes happy to support my career but he thinks if im gonna do this job I need to only socialise with "your best friends" and do it much less. I said what di you mean - once a month and he said yes. And I said I didn't think it was a big deal to miss a bedtime once a week and he said "well if you're fine with it but the kids always ask where you are"

I think he is being really unfair. But then I thought maybe if gender roles were reversed - maybe ppl would say he is allowed to say im not engaged enough at home. I work from home a lot so I actually do all mornings and 80% of pick ups etc.

What do people think?

How often does he socialize?

I think it depends on the overall picture really, and it’s not just about the kids but also about your marriage. If my husband was working 2/3 evenings per week after bedtime, going out 1 night a week with friends, and to make the free time fair then I wanted 1 night a week, we’d only actually have 2 nights a week to spend together.

I would say that if work is taking up 3 evenings a week & a night out every week means you’re essentially unavailable for 4 per week then he’s not massively unreasonable to say that is too much.

So does that mean he’s spending 3/4 evenings by himself a week because of your work and socialising or have I misunderstood? Because to be honest I’ve said the same to DH although I more said to him that he needs to work less as spending half the week alone in the evenings isn’t what I want for my life.

Well, I stop work at 4pm or so to pick up DC. Then I look after DC and do a bit of work. Then DH comes home and we have do dinner/bath/bed all together. Then at 8pm or so I do some work bits in front of the telly. I also get up at 5.30am to do some bits before they get up. Maybe because I work from home my work feels likes its taking over? He just makes me feel guilty with all this "DC ask where you are" stuff. Maybe its more aboyt me and him. But hes on his phone a lot anyway. It's not like we would spend the eveninh staring into other eyes.

I think your job is the problem. It doesn't allow you to have a good work/life balance. I can see how it's shit for your husband if you're working a lot when the kids have gone to bed, bet he feels like he barely spends any proper couple time with you.

Never ever stop seeing your friends, once a week with friends is so important! Get a different job instead of stopping seeing your friends.

I know that's easier said than done but it's something you can look into.

I do see where he's coming from if you are working 3 evenings and going out one, that doesn't leave a lot of time to spend together. I think he could approach it differently though, like find ways to spend more time together rather than saying you can't go out

If you were a man I think people would think this was completely normal. DS asks where DH is whenever he's out in the evening or working late. I don't think he's desperately missing him it's just what kids do. He goes out more than I do but I do manage it. Friendships are important!

Does he not socialise?

I guess the not spending evenings together because of work could be an issue but not socialising.

Amazed at some of these responses.

If OP had a standard 9-5 job, then her husband would be picking up kids more, and have to compromise his career more.
As it is, she manages to fit work around kids schedule and her husband's schedule.
Yea, he has to look after his own children when she works at the weekend. Surely it's no different to OP looking after her own children while doing pick ups and drop offs while he's at work.
OP is making most of the big compromises here in order to accommodate their family. Her schedule sounds quite hard.

But she should still be able to socialise!

That’s all a bit irrelevant really though when you look at family time. OP has also said he isn’t career driven, and he is supportive of her career, so I’m not sure where your narrative comes from that he’s putting his own career first.

If OP is working 3 evenings and going out 1 evening, it doesn’t leave much time to just “be” as a family or couple. Having a hard schedule isn’t an achievement, if things are hard it’s often a sign it doesn’t work for your household- if OP is having to get up at 5am to work before school & work into the evening then it isn’t workable and something else might be.