Husband making me feeling guilty (internationally/unintentionally) for having a social life!

[Purpleturtle45]

Looking for opinions on this. My husband and I have 3 kids, youngest being 8. I work part time in a stressful job and he works very hard running his own business which takes up a lot of his time and brain capacity.

I do the majority of the household stuff and certainly carry the mental load. He is helpful at home when he is here but is not proactive. I am happy to do the majority of the stuff at home as I have 2 days a week when the kids are in school but it does wind me up when he deliberately ignores things and leaves them for me.

I work term time so have the kids during all the school holidays (can be a juggle as there are not many things the 3 kids all like due to ages/gender), although he does always take some holidays during the school holidays for us to go away as a family but if we are at home then he is working. I appreciate when you are self employed it's not always easy to take holidays but he never complains about that.

As the kids have gotten older and need me less I have been lucky enough to have some weekends away with friends (maybe 3 times a year) and also will often meet a friend on one of my days off for a coffee or lunch. He has never had any issues with this however recently has become quite sensitive around the imbalance of things I get to do compared to him and is making me feel bad by making little comments such as 'I would have like to have done that, been there' etc.

I would have no problem with him planning to go away with friends too, however he is always working (he loves his job) so his friendships have fallen away a bit and also his group are a nightmare with never actually finalising a plan. My husband is also not proactive in arranging anything.

Going away together is tricky as we really don't really have anyone that can look after the kids, however any time we do manage to get away for the night, it's me that plans it. He never really takes to initiative to organise anything.

There are no plans for me to work full time which suits us both as we don't have any after school childcare for extra days and although the 2 older ones can let themselves in, I would like to be there a couple of times a week so they aren't coming into an empty house every day.

We pay proportionally into the joint account for family expenses etc, him paying slightly more than double what I pay in.

IABU- I should reduce the amount I socialise to make things more even.

IANBU- I should enjoy my time away with friends and not be made to feel bad because he isn't proactive enough to plan things.

Absolutely not your problem.

You make the effort; he doesn't.

Enjoy your time away!

It depends how he says it Op, does he mean he'd have liked to be able to join you or is it an it's all right for you, you go out and enjoy yourself while I'm working

He isn't mean about it or anything. I have just returned from a weekend away in a European city and he was very quiet when I got home and when I asked him what was up he said he finds it hard seeing my pictures etc when he would really like to have seen the place I went. Which I totally understand. But it's whether I shouldn't be going I am in doubt about.

He wants a social life, trips, and so on with zero effort.

That's not how it works.

Don't make your life smaller because he would rather work or can't be bothered to plan something.

@Purpleturtle45 I can see why he feels a bit left out but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go away, especially if it's only a weekend trip. It's one of those swings and roundabouts things, when the DC were small it must have been difficult for you to go out anywhere without them, he probably had more of a social life then you, now they're older he's still tied to his business but your DC need you less.

I quite like my DH, so I'd make the effort to book something for us.

If he whinged about his workload or didn't appreciate the effort it would be the first and last time though.

I'd also make sure that he was still happy with work and payment situation now that the kids were growing up. Just make sure there's no unspoken niggles. Communication you know.

Good point. It also might be made worse by the fact at the moment I am off and all my kids enjoy a lie in so for the first Summer he is getting up and going to work every day while we are all still in bed 🤦🏼‍♀️. I feel I have paid my dues though and when the kids were little it was really hard, he had a different job then and worked away a lot so I was on my own. I can understand why it feels unfair to him now but there are plenty times over the years the dynamic has felt unfair to me as well!

Well I don't think you should reduce your socialising to make your husband feel better.

However, he's telling you he doesn't think your relationship is fairly balanced and at the moment you seem to think that's entirely a problem with him.

But I can see how now your kids are older it might feel that way from his point of view: before he did most of the paid work, you did some of the paid work and all of the childcare. Now the childcare element has reduced significantly and you are reaping the benefits of that, but his load hasn't reduced at all.

I don't think it's as simple as "he can't be bothered planning things".

I think you need a serious conversation about what the next 5-10 years look like. If he is genuinely choosing his business over everything else, you need to make it clear that is a choice he has made. But maybe he genuinely does want to look at reducing that so he can do other things in life.

100% this OP. You only live once. If he really wanted what you have he would sell the business/ get a standard job etc so he has more free time to spend with his family. He can't be bothered/is too scared to change anything but he wants you to be miserable too. No way! It sounds like you do most of the donkey work with the kids so if you didn't have these little breaks I'm sure you would be feeling resentful. Let him sulk he's only hurting himself. My partner does this playing the martyr as he works full time in a job he hates that pays a lot more than mine. I've told him before that he doesn't have to do that job. He can go back to what he did before but he's not made the change so it's on him. I don't lose any sleep over it now because I've told him I'd be happy if we had less money. Don't let him punish you for his choices OP. Stick to your guns. These men really are CFs.

He is looking to take a step back within the next few years so hopefully that will help to redress the balance a bit. I think it's important to make an effort with your friendships and feel I have done that over the years, even when I have been busy with the kids etc. However it's quite different for me as all my friends have kids so we can socialise together, whereas most of his friends don't so it's always been easier for me to spend time with mine.

I don’t think you should back off from your friendships - one day the kids will be grown up and leave home and you’ll be glad you kept up your friendships.

I think, even if you end up planning it (as it does sound like you have more time), you need to carve out some time to do something like this with DH - it doesn't sound like he resents you doing these things, just how things have panned out with your respective friendship groups and he is feeling a bit short changed.

For what it's worth, I'm in your DH's position as he goes on several weekends away a year because of his hobby and with long standing friends, whereas organising something with my friendship group is like pulling teeth so it never happens! I don't particularly resent DH going away, but I am a bit jealous and wistful at the same time??

So, in your shoes I would probably still go away with my friends and enjoy it, but maybe plan a bit more with DH and try not to see it as yet another thing you have to organise.