Bullied by my child?!

[Victimcomplex]

I'll preface this by saying I have 3 children and the elder 2 are generally very well behaved. Fwiw I don't compare them.

The little one, aged 6.5, has incredibly challenging behaviour. Talks back, rolls eyes, tells me I'm a bad parent, hits me, shouts at me. I just tried to sit down for a cup of tea and I got shouted and and told it wasn't my seat. I ignored and have just got a mouthful of abuse.

6.5 is very concerned with what is fair or not, issue being that it's a skewed perception and 6.5 cant understand that yet eg if 6.5 and 9 each get a 5-minute turn at something, 6.5 doesn't understand that time seems to pass slower while waiting, and then complains it's not fair. Also misbehaves and lies about it.

Always has a smart answer for every single fucking thing. 6.5 just been told off for taking my seat and now said will cough on me and make me sick. Is now kicking me.

There's definitely a sensory thing there. Always seeking deep touch and sensations. Otherwise no sign of anything else at play.

I'm a secondary school teacher and if any of the teenagers behaved that like I would be horrified.

We try all the normal methods, reasoning, consequences, positive reinforcement, love bombing etc etc but it's getting worse.

What can I do?

Call in Supernanny?

I'd sit down as a family and have a clear discussion about behaviour, what is expected of them, and what will happen if they break any of these rules. I'd go as far as write down these rules! No hitting, no saying mean things, no shouting etc...

One of my twins is a handful, but I've very much done the above since she was about 6, and 3.5 years later things are much better. She does still push boundaries a LOT but as long as I am consistent, then I'm winning! Trying to enforce 9 minutes in her room for rule breaking can be hard work physically, but she knows I am not backing down. She then has to apologise for her behaviour. Nowadays it's mostly a prompt about what will happen if she turns something into a battle.

Adhd

On the face of it they don't sound massively different from DS at that age and he was later diagnosed autistic.

Not saying they are, just that it may be worth considering.

A trip to the doctor and referral to a specialist is in order. It sounds like you’re done in bless you. That sounds so exhausting. Get him seen as early as possible and hopefully it’ll be easier to access diagnose etc. The longer its left the more difficult it’ll be and if he’s physically challenging now you don’t want that in 10 years time ❤️

Absolutely sounds neurodivergent to me. My son is Autistic and ADHD.

The usual drivers are a need for control that's so overwhelming you can't parent your 6 year old like other parents do their NT kids.

The best thing is to be very clear on what the top problem is and work on that. If he is in a full on meltdown, don't speak, don't say or do anything until it's over. They can't actually hear you and will only escalate.

The top things like swearing at you. No way. If it's just repeating what adults say that's different. Coming at you swearing and hitting, no. He sounds smart so I'd be explaining what is not going to be ok and exactly what happens if he does it. Remove iPads or tv privileges and stick him in the garden for 10 minutes or more.

The best thing with ND kids like this is choices and control. Let go of silly stuff that doesnt matter and he'll behave better. So if he doesn't want to wear pj's then it doesn't matter does it, let him wear what he wants within reason.

Choices that work for me go like this; ' brush your teeth now or on 10 minutes?'

' you going to tidy that mess up yourself or I will help you for 5 minutes '

' you going to get out my seat or am I going to physically remove you from it' ( then you remove him if he doesn't shift ).

And on like this.

ND, really?

Erm yeah!?!

And I’m the one normally bleating on how ND is over diagnosed etc.

My son was the same from age 6 and continues to be challenging now aged 9.5. He has interventions at school and had a referral for a ND assessment. Multiple family members who have autism and ADHD diagnoses in my family presented similarly in childhood. It can be hard and emotionally exhausting but an amazing learning curve at the same time. I would discuss with childs school/GP to gain insight whether threshold met for further assessment or support that you may not have tried. I've learnt to pick battles and offer my son choices that are specific and measurable to help him feel more in control and safe. He thrives on routine and has a strong sense of justice and reacts strongly if things change or he feels "wronged". His siblings are very different in behaviour which makes his ND much more noticeable.

I have a 9.5yr old who showed similar behaviour at that age (and is still challenging now). Suspect ADHD or Autism, no diagnosis yet as masks very well at school.

We've definitely not yet cracked it at home, but as per previous posters, letting most stuff go and being very firm on the top priorities helps - pick the important battles and ignore everything else. Also ensuring enough sleep, lots of down time, lots of positive attention, support with the things they should be able to do (and you know they can if they're in the right frame of mind) but still struggle with, fresh air, exercise, minimal screen time, and making sure they understand their responsibilities (this last one: we had battles with a sense of entitlement and demanding that I do stuff that they could do themselves. I had a constant refrain that I will help with the stuff you can't do/struggle with - e.g. reaching something from the cupboard, but I won't do the things you're being lazy about - e.g. getting a spoon from the drawer. Addressing lazy entitlement helped reduce violence significantly. It's a tricky balance of understanding when they are disregulated and need the extra support, versus when they need to be reminded of their responsibilities).

Thanks for the practical advice. Will put into place and hope it helps a little.

As for school, I've asked before if they have any suspicions and they've said there is nothing to investigate. Behaviour is much better at school though!

Normal though.

He holds it in a t school, but it comes out at home. Called the Coke bottle effect. Shaken up all day and explodes at home.

Schools also lie - alot.

If a pupil is just getting by, they don't give a shit. I understand in this climate why the passion has gone and why would any teacher raise this if the pupil is coasting ok. Most parents will be very offended at the suggestion if they don't realise too.

So forget school ATM as the source of clarity on this. Start reading and researching. The genetic inheritance is huge so I doubt your son is the only ND person in the family.

With ref to your son, look up PDA online. Sounds like that fits. My son is Autistic ( PDA). Has no time for any authority, feels he is on the same level as all adults such as teachers and parents. He often feels he's in charge of it all unfortunately.

Being highly intelligent, there's capacity for manipulation which you don't want.

He'll be much happier and easier if he has control and choice over things that you can give him control over in his life.

I also was going to suggest PDA. I know a little boy like your son, OP. Only he's much much more severe, bites, kicks his mum, smashes up her possessions, threatens to kill her etc etc. He's seven. School have no concerns because he's perfectly well behaved there (although some have said he's very manipulative at school and keeps out of trouble by inciting other children to misbehave). But mum can't get any help because 'he's fine at school'. So PDA might be something to think about - there's lots of advice online on managing behaviour which could help you.

Also sounds like it could be PDA to me - my youngest is (and also sensory seeking), "normal" parenting strategies simply do not work.

What do you do to punish your child for this behaviour?

How old is your child @Hollowvoice ? And does it sound like our two children behave in a similar way?

Hmmmmm........ School said definitely not.

DS final diagnosed ASD aged 20, he is 23 and still in the queue for an ADHD assessment.

Just saying ........