Total mum burn out at the moment - is it just me or what can I change? Constant mess and chaos

[blubberbath]

I just can’t seem to manage to stay on top of my house/ cooking / cleaning and chores.

I have cleaners that come once a week too and I outsource ironing of my husband’s shirts. But I still can’t seem to stay on top of it. I feel like I’m constantly tidying, doing laundry, cooking, putting this away, sorting.

But it’s still never enough! My kids are 3 and 5. I’ve just lost my full time job ( redundancy ) so I’ve been off a couple of weeks now, looking for a new one. My kids have been at holiday club from 9-4 every day as I had already paid for it as I thought I would still be employed.

My husband has a gruelling job that sees him out of the house from 5:30 am until 9 pm, due to a commute too. He’s on his feet all day, so he’s exhausted and depressed most of the time tbh.

I do all the laundry, cooking, food shop etc etc. But I’m going out of my mind at the moment. Why is it so hard? And I feel like no one sees the effort that goes into everything.

I know it’s normal what I need to do but I just feel like I’m always cooking or cleaning or tidying and I’m exhausted. My kids of course need stuff from me constantly as well and sometimes I just want to pull my hair out.

the kids just create constant mess. Anyway, they haven’t even been here most of day the last couple of weeks, but I still feel like it’s all too much.

with interviews / food shopping / cooking / tidying up / laundry and spending a bit of time doing exercise- which I had hardly any time to do before while I was working - I’m spent ! How do people do this ?

Most people don't have a partner who is out the house 5:30-9pm, I mean when do you ever see eachother? You are basically trying to hold down a full time working job plus everything associated with the house and kids, and your partner doesn't have to think about any of it.

Food shop once a week, maybe your partner could do that on the weekend first thing. He can do the meal planning as well.
Laundry, we do once or twice a week, make sure things getting washed needs washing, some things can definitely be worn a couple of times to reduce the volume of washing that needs to be done.
Cooking, either pick easy meals or batch cook so you just have to heat up during the week

What’s your DH doing to contribute?

Doesn’t seem sustainable for him to be out from 5.30-9 every day and you work full time and be responsible for all things home and child.

I don’t know but I’m shocked that you have 9-4 5 days a week to get things done and aren’t managing to do it. 😳 My dc are not in holiday club, so they are home every day. I have cancer and am going through cancer treatment so am exhausted and pretty much need to have a nap every day. I also have dh working from home who creates a lot of mess. And I managed to tidy the house in a couple childfree hours. I don’t have a cleaner or any paid help and we have a big house (5 br 3 bathrooms). With only one person at home all day, you shouldn’t have that much mess on a daily basis.

Do you actually have a structure to your days? So like 9-12 cleaning and tidying, lunch, 1-3 exercise, 3-4 dinner prep so that you can just whack it in the oven and do other things. Order your food shopping and do admin in the evenings. I do it on my phone while kids are getting ready for bed.

That and I think maybe you need to lower your standards. If you can’t keep on top of it with 30+ hours a week to do it, then it’s probably too much for you to take on, so you need to do less.

If you’re at home all day and the kids are out I really don’t understand what you’ve been doing all day? Just tidy up ! One room at a time. Just start!! You have a cleaner and you don’t iron , I’m sorry but I don’t understand what is hard here!

Minimise everything as much as possible

Do you need to do washing so often, re wear things as much as you can

Set out 10 min slots where things are blitzed

Order everything you can online

Minimise cooking by doing one pot or one tray bake type meals

No ironing

With tidying up, if there are things which are surplus to requirements, tidy them into the bin there and then. Less things = less needing to tidy up

But I don’t have that entire time free. I’m doing interviews and prepping for them which takes ages.

it’s also only been that way for a couple of weeks, normally I work full time. Also, picking them up and dropping them off at holiday club is an hour round trip each way. Also, driving to and from gym etc takes 30 minutes at least. So a lot of time is wasted on that sort of stuff. Usually I drop them off, then go to the gym, by the time I get home it’s probably 11:30-12. I then may have an interview or prep to do which takes a couple of hours and then quick cooking and tidying and then off to pick them up again. It goes quick.

Well you need to find a holiday club much closer to home, if you are short of time and struggling to fit everything in, wading 2hrs a day travelling is something to get changed

Can you normally keep on top of it or have you always felt like that?

Can DH drop them off in the morning and you pick them up? And don't go to the gym every day - no wonder you're exhausted! Unless you had a physical job before, you're probably not used to that level of exertion? But I also think you're not getting any opportunity to pace yourself - with working FT you sort of do in that you have the workday structure and usually a lunch break at least.

But if you're doing manic morning get kids out of door, then drop them off then immediately to the gym then home then you barely have any time to fit in all the home stuff as well as job applications etc before it's time to rush off for pick up again.

It's worth enquiring with the club whether you can get any of the prepaid fees back if you cancel, unless you need the childcare for interviews. There might be a waiting list.

The organised mum app and time blocking.

I absolutely live by her guided clean sessions even if its a 10 minute tidy one. I do what it tells me to do and then stop. I have a toddler and only tidy once he is in bed.

I dont follow her 30 mins a day session I pick which one I need most usually the 15 min ones and can get my house back to presentable on 30 mins. I have decluttered loads though.

Quick meals unless we are both home.

My husband generally does the food shopping. We have set washing days for each family member so all there stuff gets done in one day and we dont waste time sorting.

And accepting we have a busy life. So not everything will get done so fitting in what I can. I know I can't manage the gym for example so do a you tube video instead when I can.

I used up the weeks that I had booked over holidays. For the last 3 weeks of the school holidays I was going to take a bit more annual leave and my mum will visit as well. So holiday club is now done and dusted.

but I used up the weeks I had left, as I did need the time for interviews and job applications etc. I wasn’t just sitting around at home while they were at holiday club. In terms of waiting lists, ours doesn’t really work like that.

by the time I knew that I was made redundant, I had already paid and could no longer cancel.

I Could have asked other parents if they needed it ( but as I have two kids, I doubt it ). Most parents have it all sorted by this point. Yes we swap the odd day, but that’s about it. Usually at this point anyone asking in groups if anyone needs a day, doesn’t get any responses because people plan it all out. And I did need the time anyway.

I’ll have a look at that, thank you.

I just feel like I’m always clearing up a mess. It doesn’t stop. And the kids needing me, calling me etc, also never stops. Which I know is just normal for their age.

but sometimes all the demands get too much. I prefer getting out with them. That way they don’t mess everything up constantly and they’re not as needy just wanting my attention all the time, partly because I’m able to give them my attention as I’m not distracted by cooking and cleaning.

You maybe need to lower your expectations a bit. There are more ppl in the house - you and children. Subtract the commuting time for dropping kids at camp, gym and interview prep and interview time and how much time do you have? Take from take time in the evening when it’s time to relax, prepping meals, tidying and putting kids to bed, baths etc and there probably is a limited amount of time each day.
What helped a bit - robot Hoover, lower expectations, load of washing on before bed. And doing short bursts of tasks.

Does your husband have a long commute? Can you move closer to where he works and look for jobs in that area? If you can cut down commute times for all of you, you’ll have more free time.

Do you need to declutter? It seems like tidying is taking up a disproportionate amount of time.

Declutter! Including clothes. I’ve just done the KonMari method and it’s cut cleaning, tidying and laundry significantly (I have a newborn and 3yo who doesn’t go to nursery and it’s really worked for me!). I also prep food for meals when I get a chance (ie while baby is napping and toddler is having lunch I’ll prep all the veggies and meats for dinner and do all cooking prep washing up so all I have to do is actually cook at dinner time and put cooking stuff in dishwasher).

A friend of mine has just hired a professional declutterer and it’s changed her life.

Many people don't have a partner at all and do everything always. OP you need to lower your standards a little. If your kids are only at home first thing and last thing and some of that is going to be dinner, bath bed, they can only have a couple of hours to muck things up. One toy or game out at a time, they have to tidy it with your help before another. Keep meals simple. If you've previously not been at home so much you won't have generated as much stuff to do. What's the worst that will happen if you leave a pile of laundry a day or two, or leave the Lego out? No-one will die.

I think I need to declutter. There are just too many toys around.

Decluttering definitely helps a lot. I find it helps my DC play a bit better as well when they can actually see what they have rather than being overwhelmed by a jumbled up mixture of random bits of toys.

I remember one year when my DCs were in their early school years that I had a big clear out of their toys, when they were at a holiday club. I took 5 binbags of toys to a charity shop. They didn’t even notice anything had gone! Not once did they ask ‘where is x toy ,Mum?’
Do it, OP! It’ll help enormously with the tidying and is only one day to do.

If you can’t bear to part with the toys you could consider a toy rotation- take all the toys out (to the garage or something) and put out maybe a handful each week and rotate them each week. Kids will be less bored of their toys because they’re “new” and there’s less to tidy! One instagrammer I follow has a monthly toy borrowing subscription and no toys herself and that seems like such a good idea to me.

I agree, really?! On my day off I have a routine in this order... tidy stuff up and put away, clean surfaces, hoover, mop floors, wash and hang out several times, change bedsheets, iron only necessary stuff, do grocery shop, put away, prep and batch cook meals. This is in one day and evenings are spent by both of us keeping on top of the usual housework.

A WHOLE week and with a cleaner, got to be a goad post.