To think a lot of people shouldn’t have had kids and it shows?

[SharpTaupeHawk]

Some parents clearly resent their kids, or use them as props, or just seem overwhelmed and bitter. AIBU to think not everyone is cut out for parenthood and it’s obvious?

I think people are a lot more self centred than they were even 30 years ago, never mind 100 years ago. By that I mean that people want free time, they want to travel, develop hobbies and just generally spend time and money on themselves. Whereas in the past most peoples “development” and ambitions would be over in their early 20s (or earlier) ie - finish education and get a job. But now we’re told that self development is a lifelong thing. Thats the society we’re living in.

So to that extent having kids is a lot harder than it used to be, as there’s now a much bigger feeling of sacrifice. Not just financial - but of time and of self. So you can either “give up” your 20s and some of our 30s (which we are told, with some truth, is the best/most exiting/freest time of our lives) … or if you prefer you can sacrifice your 40s and 50s (which is when the other lot get to be winding down). But either way in this society we feel like kids are getting in the way which I don’t think was ever the case in past generations when kids were the future/the be all and end all/the one potential bright spot in of your own pointless/exhausting existence.

YABU - some people shouldn't have kids, but I think it's a small minority overall.

Neither my adults DDS want kids.

"But either way in this society we feel like kids are getting in the way which I don’t think was ever the case in past generations when kids were the future/the be all and end all/the one potential bright spot in of your own pointless/exhausting existence."

A few generations ago people had no choice about having kids. There would have been plenty who didn't care much about the kids they had.

Yay MN bingo and the least original post ever. Well done OP.

YANBU. Too many people have kids just because "that's what you're supposed to do" rather than having thought about, it weighed up the pros and cons and assessed that they have something to offer as a parent. Too many women talking about wanting a baby forgetting that they aren't having a baby, they're having a person, who will probably be alive for 80 or more years and you are responsible for them existing, you are responsible in a large way for what kind of life they will have.

@anotherside

so glad it’s like it is now than before- imagine losing all your ambition and drive for self development in your twenties! No thanks

I think maybe a lot of people go in naively and raising children looks a lot different from what it did 50 years ago. People have children later, there is less grandparent support, lots of us move away from where we grew up and struggle to make the same connections and friendships. Normally both parents have to work and it can be a real juggle.

This but also it's hard to know how you'll be or what kind of kids you get or how supportive your partner will be or these days if they'll stick around.

I got ND velcro babies despite dire predictions at times they've turned out pretty well so far late teens early adulthood. Also schools seem to expect so much more of parents in primary - and if your kids do fall behind it's pretty much on parents to "fix" as resources just aren't there.

If we'd listened to family we'd not have had kids till were were near 40 then had one been near them and doing elder care and baby at same time and be only a few years into paying off mortgage so paying well into retirment rather than being done just before.

i can’t say i agree entirely.

children change everything: your routines, your priorities, even the way you see yourself. they bring a whole new level of exhaustion and a constant shift in mindset. even with the most supportive, hands-on partner, life is different.

i have a great husband who will solo parent whenever and actively encourages me to go out with friends. but my peloton is still gathering dust and more often than not i’d rather use my “free” time to potter around the house in blissful silence while he takes the kids to the park. life is slower now. i love my family deeply, but i still miss the before times of spontaneous after work drinks, long runs, unhurried gym sessions.

sure, i could technically go to the gym now. but could i also grab an iced coffee, read a few chapters of a book and then wander around m&s looking at clothes just because i feel like it? not without feeling like that’s selfish. and it’s not like my husband takes the piss with his free time either- we are both mindful of how much the other does.

yes, with an equal partner you can carve out hours for hobbies and self care. but you are not the same person, especially in those early years. there is more mental load, more clock watching, more responsibility. i have struggled to make peace with that and i am sure i am not the only one.

I had my 2 boys young as i said on another thread shit happens.
But i wouldn't change it as i loved every bit of it.
Now they are both moved on with their life's with their boy friends both in their 20s neither want kids.
Im not 40 yet.

YANBU and I disagree that threads like this aren’t ‘helpful’. I think the more it’s discussed that not everyone should or needs to have children then that’s a good thing. It’s really not for everyone and that’s fine!

Also if it makes people think more about going on to have second or third babies when they are already feeling overwhelmed with one.

So many have a second thinking it will make life easier because they have a sibling to play with - what if they don’t get along, what if the second has severe disabilities? It’s an irresponsible reason if you are already struggling.

I have 3 kids, 2 of whom have ADHD and the other one is, well, a bossy 4 year old. Are they completely exhausting and do they suck the life out of me? Yes. Are they incredibly people who I wouldn’t swap for the world? Also yes. Do my partner and I find parenting them incredibly difficult at times while we both work long hours in demanding jobs? Again yes.

You don’t ever know what kind of kid you are going to get when you choose to have one (or 2, or 3 etc.). I know people with the most easygoing kids, whose grandparents have them overnight, sometimes for a full week away. They have so much time to rest and recharge. Then I know people who have found themselves the single parent of a neurodivergent child or one with other disabilities and no support system. Did any of them have a crystal ball and know what life with kids would look like? Maybe they might have made a different choice, or maybe they wouldn’t care and love their child so much that they would do it all anyway.
Maybe you shouldn’t sit on your high horse judging everyone else’s parenting and instead maybe consider that some people wake up and do their absolute best all day, despite insurmountable challenges, and that counts for more than your judgement

Ah, well spotted - I had noticed that the OP is only replying with sarcasm and not anything sensible, rage bait???

Agreed.

I also get fed up with the narrative that it's selfish to have only one child. Well quite apart from the fact that some couples suffer from secondary infertility, so it's not a choice, isn't it better to quit while you're ahead, and stick with what you can cope with?

Of course not everyone is cut out for parenthood. That's why I didn't inflict them on either myself or the rest of the world.

I do agree that some folk aren’t cut for it, however I also think you should avoid judging any parent for not being their best selves all the time. I mean obviously if you know them well and they are always acting like this….
But if i you are basing it on a snapshot in time, not so much.