I feel my sister tricked me into answering the door after no contact

[Bluegem7]

I told my sister I needed time to process something she'd done that had upset me. (For context she went against my wishes and spoke at length to my ex about me, giving him hope that I wanted him back, which wasn't true, and causing lot of problems with him turning up at my house and then lots of unwanted texts. Of course 'she was only thinking of me'. I had already asked her not to discuss me with him earlier that day). I was so angry with her interfering and asked her to leave me alone. I didn't respond to her text saying "how long is this going on" and a few weeks went by. Then she rings my doorbell and hides round the side of the house and parks her car up the road so I wouldn't know it was her. I went outside thinking whoever was there had gone when she appears round the corner, acting like "surprise" and I ended up inviting her in and sharing dinner with her. Now I regret it. I wasn't ready and felt like she took no accountability for what she did. She just acts like we fell out and now it's all forgotten. She even told me about a text my ex had sent her and I had to tell her I'm not interested. Last night she messaged me 11.30pm (I've asked her so many times not to message me late as I'm asleep by then) about going out for lunch together sometime soon.
I had already told her I can't afford to eat out, I'm on PC and money is tight. The message said "maybe we could go out in a week or so". I feel like I'm being backed into a corner because she's lonely and depressed and has lots of health issues (lots are self inflicted). She is always the victim in a situation of her own making. When she phones me she just talks hours about her problems and has no interest in my life . I wish I'd never invited her in but she caught me unawares and I'm not really good at confrontation or standing up for myself. We are both in our 70s and I'm torn between not wanting conflict with family this time of life whilst on the other hand just wishing she'd back off. I'm on the verge of blocking her.

This would infuriate me OP I’d block her

She clearly has no respect for you.

Have a think about what you would like to clearly say and send a text - so she can reread it.

Put it in first person.

I am upset when - I feel, I don’t like it when - there’s no arguing with a persons thoughts or feelings.

"What you did regarding my ex really upset me. I needed time to process it and you completely disregarded my boundaries by showing up at my house and I was put in a very awkward position. You're my sister and I love you but I'm asking for a bit of space whilst I navigate what happened, it was a breach of trust and I just need some time to sort through it."

I'd text her telling her how fed up you are with her breaching your boundaries constantly and that you are taking a break from her - youll be in touch WHEN YOU ARE READY - then block.

You really don’t need to accommodate her. Start tomorrow! Block her texts, silence your ohone at night (or put her on silent). Give yourself 48 hours to respond to her requests. Reset the click every time she badgers you.

And yes send one curt note

”Do not ever contact anyone “on my behalf.” It is rude and it can be dangerous. Do not pass messages to my ex, or from him to me. If you do it again I will end our relationship.”

She is your sister. You can't disown your sister. Wha you have described sounds annoying but isn't grounds for blocking your own flesh and blood.

You can disown absolutely anyone you like with zero reason Hedgehog sister or not.

Oh, yes you can!

Long gone are the days when someone is just annoying or does something wrong, or makes a mistake and then god forbid they try to remedy that.

The must be cancelled and culled. Nothing else for it.

there is a long history of unresolved issues because she can never take accountability for stuff she's done. She's good at fake apologies (I'm sorry but....) which is nothing more than an excuse. She's so neurotic and hypochondriac. Like she'll phone me in tears because she has chest pains or can't breathe but when I tell her she needs urgent medical help she says she would rather suffer alone than worry her (adult) children. But she doesn't mind worrying me. I'm never uplifted by her lengthy phone calls, she just drags me down so much. She's left her long suffering partner for a much younger man who turned out to be a fraudster and cleared off after she moved into a rented house. Now she has spent literally thousands getting improvements and the contractor has given up and left jobs half finished because she is such a bitch to work for. Her landlord now wants the work put right but she's blacklisted by local contractors. I have to listen to all this yet there's absolutely nothing I can do and I can see how she's brought it all on herself. She just drives me nuts!

Talking to the ex about the OP, when she had been specifically asked not to, wasn't an accident. She did it deliberately. And turning up in a way that ambushed OP with no apology and like nothing had happened isn't trying to remedy what she did.

OP if you feel you need permission to block her, have mine. She doesn't add anything except stress to your life and you can free yourself of that by not allowing her any way to contact you.

But you might want to think about a Ring doorbell so that she can't catch you out at home again.

She clearly doesn’t care about upsetting you, so stop caring about upsetting her. She has no respect for you whatsoever. Time to speak your mind. I know it’s hard when you’re used to playing the peace keeper, but you don’t have to put up with this. It sounds like she needs you a lot more than you need her. If you don’t want to go out with her just tell her. You don’t have to justify it, just say no. And if anyone knocks on your door and then there’s no one there when you answer, just close the door again. If they want to speak to you they can be there when you open the door.

I think I remember you posting before. Presumably she didn’t trick you into inviting her indoors and feeding her? Surely by inviting her in and eating with her you are equally culpable of giving mixed messages here?

@Bluegem7 you don’t have to reply to her late night texts, or any of them. You can read them, or not, and reply later, or not. Likewise, why did you invite her in for dinner when she hid? This is about your boundaries. Depending what phone you have, maybe you can set your phone not to notify when she calls or texts late, rather than a general setting for everyone. Whatever you do, is up to you.

I agree. I admit I don't handle confrontation well.

Perhaps it's time to re think strategy then as this doesn't seem to be working. Most people on finding an estranged sibling hiding around the corner would have just walked back inside and shut the door. There's a book called Games People Play based on psychological dynamics in relationships. Reading It might help to work out which role each of you are playing in the current dynamic.

Thank you. I'll check it out... hopefully available on Amazon.