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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Challenging ex on DD's eating habits

8 replies

AvidHazelUser · 10/08/2025 09:18

Bit of an awkward sensitive topic but i need to put this out there...

DD is 14. Her dad and I split and divorced 3 1/2 years ago, not particularly pleasantly and prefer to have as little to do as possible with him, but we have equal custody (near enough) and make the best of things for DD's sake.

Since the divorce, DD has steadily put on weight. I can totally understand this as it was difficult for her especially around the time she was also starting high school. I do my best at home cooking healthy meals and encouraging her to be active but theres obviously only so much i can do.

Ex is the type to spoil DD as a way of keeping her onside (she's an only child) and its become increasingly obvious from stuff she puts on her social media that when she's at his, shes regularly being allowed to have takeaways, fast food, big bags of sweets/bars of chocolate etc, and from her weight which i am getting increasingly concerned about.

I decided I needed to raise this with my ex the other day, sending him a text just expressing my concerns and explaining that I understand he's sometimes going to want to treat her but that i'd like him to be mindful that lots of takeaways etc at her age isn't doing her any good.

I got a really snotty response back from him basically suggesting i'm being petty about it and its his business if he wants to treat her and she's happy. DD has then come back from his yesterday morning and had a go at me, saying that he's told her about the message i sent and that I'm out of order for 'policing what she eats'.

So i guess this is an AIBU for trying to bring it up with him in this way? And what should my next move be if anyone has got advice of similar?

Thanks x

OP posts:
OtterlyMad · 10/08/2025 09:40

YANBU to be concerned about her weight, but I think it would have been a better conversation to have in person with your ex, rather than by text (though I appreciate that is difficult if you’re not very amicable).

Your DD is old enough to start taking responsibility for her own eating habits. Can you have a conversation with her about it, once she’s calmed down a bit? Potentially with a third party like a GP or therapist?

Lifeofthepartay · 10/08/2025 09:44

Well if she is under 16 then it's literally your job/her dad's job to police what she eats, so that's not to be taken as an insult. If your ex doesn't mind using the constant treats as a way of getting her on his side than you need to have an honest conversation with your daughter and explain what's happening and that she will have to deal with the consequences of an unhealthy life, not her dad. If she is in secondary you can presumably reason a bit with her?

Original poster
AvidHazelUser · 10/08/2025 09:54

OtterlyMad · 10/08/2025 09:40

YANBU to be concerned about her weight, but I think it would have been a better conversation to have in person with your ex, rather than by text (though I appreciate that is difficult if you’re not very amicable).

Your DD is old enough to start taking responsibility for her own eating habits. Can you have a conversation with her about it, once she’s calmed down a bit? Potentially with a third party like a GP or therapist?

Thanks. Yes unfortunately it's not at all amicable due to the divorce. I know some will probably say that we should be adults for DD's sake, but the only contact we have is via text.

You are right about DD and there is a conversation that needs to be had as the weight is getting to a point where is a real concern that needs addressing. I know that is an awkward topic though.

OP posts:
Original poster
AvidHazelUser · 10/08/2025 10:04

Lifeofthepartay · 10/08/2025 09:44

Well if she is under 16 then it's literally your job/her dad's job to police what she eats, so that's not to be taken as an insult. If your ex doesn't mind using the constant treats as a way of getting her on his side than you need to have an honest conversation with your daughter and explain what's happening and that she will have to deal with the consequences of an unhealthy life, not her dad. If she is in secondary you can presumably reason a bit with her?

Thats my view too honestly. An occasional treat is one thing, but full on takeaways every time and constant sweets, chocolate etc like she's eating is different.

DD is an intelligent girl and i'd say quite mature for her age, so i can talk to her, but it is obviously a difficult topic.

OP posts:
Original poster
AvidHazelUser · 10/08/2025 12:25

A mini update on this...i've had another text off him now saying that DD is really annoyed over the whole thing and having a go at me again for bringing it up.

I just feel like i'm being bloody played constantly, and being made to feel like i've done something wrong 🙁

OP posts:
Original poster
AvidHazelUser · 10/08/2025 20:14

OtterlyMad · 10/08/2025 09:40

YANBU to be concerned about her weight, but I think it would have been a better conversation to have in person with your ex, rather than by text (though I appreciate that is difficult if you’re not very amicable).

Your DD is old enough to start taking responsibility for her own eating habits. Can you have a conversation with her about it, once she’s calmed down a bit? Potentially with a third party like a GP or therapist?

I have tried having a bit of a conversation about it with her this evening over dinner but it was very frosty still. I will have to try again perhaps in a few days when things are calmer. I think the idea of a therapist is potentially good as i think there's definite issues linked to her dad and I separating (as much as we tried to manage things 'normally', which are probably hard for me to break through.

Thanks again for the advice

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 10/08/2025 21:14

You have to stand your ground. That type of extremely poor food provision is abuse. Yes daughter will winge but since when did teenagers know what's good for them? She will thank you in years to come for protecting her.

Original poster
AvidHazelUser · 11/08/2025 11:31

Summerhillsquare · 10/08/2025 21:14

You have to stand your ground. That type of extremely poor food provision is abuse. Yes daughter will winge but since when did teenagers know what's good for them? She will thank you in years to come for protecting her.

Thank you. I do hope so...I know it won't make me popular in the short term but its about much more than that

OP posts:
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