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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Travel Arrangements for separated parents

15 replies

JoCon86 · 10/08/2025 00:04

I’m looking for some advice…. Me and my ex split 5 years ago. 3 years ago she upped and moved with my 2 kids 120 miles away and won’t help with travel arrangements at all… basically if I want to see my kids I have to drive there and back (240 miles) on a Friday and again on a Sunday every fortnight.
Trying to keep up this is getting far too much for me, I’ve missed collecting the kids on occasions due to work commitments (which I know I’ll get scrutinised for on here) But I pay maintenance weekly, I pay for the fuel, and drive for 5-6 hours round trip (sometimes after a 10 hour shift) CSA refused my special expenses application for the 2nd year running although I think I’m getting somewhere with an appeal, not to mention the cost of maintaining a vehicle and the depreciation of a vehicle doing 12k miles a year in maintenance travelling alone… Am I being unreasonable considering seeing a solicitor to try help my situation out as I feel like I’m being hard done by

thanks

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 10/08/2025 04:06

I don’t think you are unreasonable. On the surface of it, it sounds outrageous that a parent can just move that far away if there is shared custody.

HappyAsASandboy · 10/08/2025 04:22

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, though I think after 3 years you’re going to struggle to change anything material because the new location is now very much your children’s normal. If you’d taken legal advice when she first moved, the family court would almost certainly have said she can’t move the kids that far away because it isn’t in the kids best interests to live so far from you.

Now that you’re 3 years down the line and unlikely to be able to force her to move the kids back, you have to make the best of it. It’s worth pushing for the financial reduction in maintenance to cover the fuel if you need it. You could also push for the family court to rule that your ex must share the driving by meeting you halfway/doing some of the journeys.

The real losers here are the kids. My mum moved me 3.5 hours drive from my dad when I was 7 years old. He managed monthly collections/drop offs in the car for a while, then it was 6 weekly. Then he came by train instead but that meant my mum taking/collecting us to/from the station 45 mins away and she got angry that she had to do that (so unfair). Contact basically dwindled to a week in each school holiday, and somehow it was all presented to me that dad didn’t really care and didn’t put enough effort in to maintain contact. As a kid, all of that is so hard and confusing. Try to find a way to explain to your kids how much you love them and would like to see them more, WITHOUT blaming their mum for moving them (I get that it’s justified to blame her, but your kids really don’t need to be put in the middle of those grow up decisions).

The absolute ideal for your kids would be for you to move to be near them. You’re unlikely to be able to force her to bring them back, but she can’t stop you moving! I totally see why you shouldn’t have to and maybe can’t, but moving closer is absolutely what would be best for the kids.

Slimagain · 10/08/2025 04:34

Why on earth would you use a solicitor. ? Just fill in the C100 from HMCTS online. Request a Miam (mediation) where she will either attend and have to agree to the travel as she moved them away (which then goes to the court to make it binding) or she refuses mediation - which means you go straight to court where a judge will make the same order. (You could even be super reasonable and offer to do one in 4 journeys for example but not really your problem to fix as she moved your children away). This is of course based on face value of your post and that the move was not necessary for the children’s health and welfare.

Here are the steps.

Here’s a clear, step-by-step outline for applying for a Child Arrangements Order in England & Wales in your situation — where you want to see your children every other weekend and the mother moved them 120 miles away without your agreement, and you also want her to handle the travel.

1️⃣ Understand Your Legal Position

  • You already have parental responsibility as their father, so you have the right to apply without anyone’s permission.
  • The court’s primary concern will be the best interests of the children (Children Act 1989 “welfare checklist”).
  • The move without consent is relevant, but the court will focus on practical arrangements going forward, not “punishing” the other parent.

2️⃣ Try to Resolve Without Court (Required Step)

Before applying to court, you must usually attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) unless an exemption applies (e.g., domestic abuse, urgent risk to the child).

  • Contact a family mediator (find via Family Mediation Council).
  • At the MIAM, you explain the dispute; if mediation isn’t suitable or fails, the mediator signs the MIAM certificate (form FM1 or included in C100 form).

3️⃣ Gather Your Evidence

You’ll need to clearly set out:

  • Your existing relationship and history of involvement with the children.
  • Details of the relocation (when she moved, lack of consent, distance involved).
  • Proposed contact pattern — e.g., every other weekend from Friday after school to Sunday evening.
  • Travel plan request — why it’s reasonable for her to handle transport (she moved them, long distance).
  • Any evidence of attempts to agree arrangements (texts, emails, letters).
  • Any practical considerations (school, activities, travel costs, impact on children).

4️⃣ Complete the Court Application (Form C100)

  • Download the C100 form from GOV.UK.
  • Fill in sections on:
  • Your details and the children’s details.
  • The type of order: Child Arrangements Order – “spends time with”.
  • Your proposed arrangements (be clear and specific about days, times, travel responsibilities).
  • Why this is in the children’s best interests.
  • Tick the box for MIAM attended or exemption.

5️⃣ Submit the Application & Pay the Fee

  • Fee: currently £255 (check GOV.UK fee guidance).
  • You may be eligible for fee remission if on low income (form EX160).
  • Submit online via HMCTS online service or post the form to your local Family Court.

6️⃣ Cafcass Safeguarding Checks

After you file, Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) will:

  • Contact both parents for a phone interview.
  • Do safeguarding checks with police & social services.
  • Provide the court with a safeguarding letter before the first hearing.

7️⃣ First Hearing (FHDRA – First Hearing Dispute Resolution Appointment)

  • Usually within 4–6 weeks.
  • Judge or legal adviser and Cafcass officer present.
  • The court may encourage further agreement here.
  • If agreement not reached, the court will set directions (evidence, statements, any Cafcass report) and a timetable for a final hearing.

8️⃣ Possible Section 7 Report

If the court needs more information, they can order a Section 7 report from Cafcass or social services about the children’s welfare and practicalities.

9️⃣ Final Hearing

  • You and the mother give evidence.
  • The judge decides on:
  • When the children will spend time with you.
  • Who handles travel (you can argue she should do it because she unilaterally moved).
  • Any other specific arrangements.

10️⃣ Enforcing the Order (if needed)

If she later refuses to comply:

  • Apply to enforce via a C79 form.
  • Court can order compliance measures (e.g., fines, community service, changes to arrangements).

💡 Tips for Success:

  • Keep your proposals child-focused — explain how regular contact benefits their emotional stability and wellbeing.
  • Be realistic — ensure your proposed travel arrangements are practical for the children’s ages and school schedule.
  • Avoid language that frames this as a fight with their mother; courts prefer cooperative co-parenting framing.

If you want, AI (ChatGPT) I can draft the exact wording for the C100 “proposed arrangements” section so it maximises your chance of getting every other weekend and her handling travel because of her relocation. That part is crucial for your case.

Home - Family Mediation Council

Family mediation helps you make arrangements for children, money & property following separation, and is available online. Find an FMC Registered Mediator.

https://www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/

BluDiamond · 10/08/2025 05:11

I live 185miles away from my ex, we’ve always split the driving 50/50. Now the kids are older they travel unaccompanied on the train which we split the cost of 50/50.

TealSapphire · 10/08/2025 06:05

When you say you've 'missed collecting them' have you just not turned up, or given plenty of notice that you won't be coming?

JoCon86 · 11/08/2025 07:11

Slimagain · 10/08/2025 04:34

Why on earth would you use a solicitor. ? Just fill in the C100 from HMCTS online. Request a Miam (mediation) where she will either attend and have to agree to the travel as she moved them away (which then goes to the court to make it binding) or she refuses mediation - which means you go straight to court where a judge will make the same order. (You could even be super reasonable and offer to do one in 4 journeys for example but not really your problem to fix as she moved your children away). This is of course based on face value of your post and that the move was not necessary for the children’s health and welfare.

Here are the steps.

Here’s a clear, step-by-step outline for applying for a Child Arrangements Order in England & Wales in your situation — where you want to see your children every other weekend and the mother moved them 120 miles away without your agreement, and you also want her to handle the travel.

1️⃣ Understand Your Legal Position

  • You already have parental responsibility as their father, so you have the right to apply without anyone’s permission.
  • The court’s primary concern will be the best interests of the children (Children Act 1989 “welfare checklist”).
  • The move without consent is relevant, but the court will focus on practical arrangements going forward, not “punishing” the other parent.

2️⃣ Try to Resolve Without Court (Required Step)

Before applying to court, you must usually attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) unless an exemption applies (e.g., domestic abuse, urgent risk to the child).

  • Contact a family mediator (find via Family Mediation Council).
  • At the MIAM, you explain the dispute; if mediation isn’t suitable or fails, the mediator signs the MIAM certificate (form FM1 or included in C100 form).

3️⃣ Gather Your Evidence

You’ll need to clearly set out:

  • Your existing relationship and history of involvement with the children.
  • Details of the relocation (when she moved, lack of consent, distance involved).
  • Proposed contact pattern — e.g., every other weekend from Friday after school to Sunday evening.
  • Travel plan request — why it’s reasonable for her to handle transport (she moved them, long distance).
  • Any evidence of attempts to agree arrangements (texts, emails, letters).
  • Any practical considerations (school, activities, travel costs, impact on children).

4️⃣ Complete the Court Application (Form C100)

  • Download the C100 form from GOV.UK.
  • Fill in sections on:
  • Your details and the children’s details.
  • The type of order: Child Arrangements Order – “spends time with”.
  • Your proposed arrangements (be clear and specific about days, times, travel responsibilities).
  • Why this is in the children’s best interests.
  • Tick the box for MIAM attended or exemption.

5️⃣ Submit the Application & Pay the Fee

  • Fee: currently £255 (check GOV.UK fee guidance).
  • You may be eligible for fee remission if on low income (form EX160).
  • Submit online via HMCTS online service or post the form to your local Family Court.

6️⃣ Cafcass Safeguarding Checks

After you file, Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) will:

  • Contact both parents for a phone interview.
  • Do safeguarding checks with police & social services.
  • Provide the court with a safeguarding letter before the first hearing.

7️⃣ First Hearing (FHDRA – First Hearing Dispute Resolution Appointment)

  • Usually within 4–6 weeks.
  • Judge or legal adviser and Cafcass officer present.
  • The court may encourage further agreement here.
  • If agreement not reached, the court will set directions (evidence, statements, any Cafcass report) and a timetable for a final hearing.

8️⃣ Possible Section 7 Report

If the court needs more information, they can order a Section 7 report from Cafcass or social services about the children’s welfare and practicalities.

9️⃣ Final Hearing

  • You and the mother give evidence.
  • The judge decides on:
  • When the children will spend time with you.
  • Who handles travel (you can argue she should do it because she unilaterally moved).
  • Any other specific arrangements.

10️⃣ Enforcing the Order (if needed)

If she later refuses to comply:

  • Apply to enforce via a C79 form.
  • Court can order compliance measures (e.g., fines, community service, changes to arrangements).

💡 Tips for Success:

  • Keep your proposals child-focused — explain how regular contact benefits their emotional stability and wellbeing.
  • Be realistic — ensure your proposed travel arrangements are practical for the children’s ages and school schedule.
  • Avoid language that frames this as a fight with their mother; courts prefer cooperative co-parenting framing.

If you want, AI (ChatGPT) I can draft the exact wording for the C100 “proposed arrangements” section so it maximises your chance of getting every other weekend and her handling travel because of her relocation. That part is crucial for your case.

Thanks for all that information..

OP posts:
JoCon86 · 11/08/2025 07:12

BluDiamond · 10/08/2025 05:11

I live 185miles away from my ex, we’ve always split the driving 50/50. Now the kids are older they travel unaccompanied on the train which we split the cost of 50/50.

That seems reasonable to me… although I’ve still got a good few years before that would be an applicable option for me

OP posts:
Parksinyork · 11/08/2025 07:13

HoppingPavlova · 10/08/2025 04:06

I don’t think you are unreasonable. On the surface of it, it sounds outrageous that a parent can just move that far away if there is shared custody.

They can’t. OP could have stopped it at the time.

JoCon86 · 11/08/2025 07:20

TealSapphire · 10/08/2025 06:05

When you say you've 'missed collecting them' have you just not turned up, or given plenty of notice that you won't be coming?

Not always given lots of notice which I know isn’t ideal. Busy periods at work means I’m not always able to cut my shift short and leave work to be able to travel anywhere between 5-6 hours. Without it meaning I’d be arriving home with the kids at midnight. When I’m not able to collect on a Friday I go very early Saturday morning but it eats into the only full day of contact I get with them each fortnight

OP posts:
CarlaLemarchant · 11/08/2025 07:22

JoCon86 · 11/08/2025 07:20

Not always given lots of notice which I know isn’t ideal. Busy periods at work means I’m not always able to cut my shift short and leave work to be able to travel anywhere between 5-6 hours. Without it meaning I’d be arriving home with the kids at midnight. When I’m not able to collect on a Friday I go very early Saturday morning but it eats into the only full day of contact I get with them each fortnight

I think you should ask, via legal routes, for her to share the travelling.

cosietea · 11/08/2025 07:25

Can you move there? Not ideal probably but that whole car journey alone must be an awful way to spend a weekend for you but also your kids. The minute they are older and have a social life they won’t want to do it and it’ll become a chore. Then what? Never see them?

Squishymallows · 11/08/2025 07:26

You could have put an application in to stop her moving house far away at the time. Is there any reason you didn’t?

JoCon86 · 11/08/2025 08:17

Squishymallows · 11/08/2025 07:26

You could have put an application in to stop her moving house far away at the time. Is there any reason you didn’t?

I didn’t realise you could if I’m honest…

OP posts:
JoCon86 · 11/08/2025 08:24

cosietea · 11/08/2025 07:25

Can you move there? Not ideal probably but that whole car journey alone must be an awful way to spend a weekend for you but also your kids. The minute they are older and have a social life they won’t want to do it and it’ll become a chore. Then what? Never see them?

Yes obviously I could move there but it’s far from ideal. The journeys are horrendous especially after dropping them back and coming back to an empty home. Tbh moving closer isn’t an option for me, I have a friends family work and new relationship here and as selfish as it sounds, it’s her who needs to put some effort into the contact/travelling side of the situation not me

OP posts:
EBoo80 · 11/08/2025 08:30

You’ve had good advice here. You do sound angry though, and aren’t articulating very clearly what outcome you want. It sounds like your main focus is reducing maintenance. While that might be fair, going into it with that as a priority might just blow up.
Are you on cordial terms with your ex? Aside from the legalities, the best outcome for your kids is a decent arrangement with both adults on ok terms.
Can you calmly and politely propose a division of the travel (ie she does Fridays, you Sundays). Can you discuss if there are other things that she would appreciate (you have more time with them in the holidays, for example?) Can you plan for some bank holiday weekends so you get those longer weekends too?

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