Binge Eating Partner

[BingeEatingPartner]

My partner binge eats, gets big, realises we have a holiday or big event coming up, spends every day at the gym, loses a few stone, event/holiday passes and straight back to binge eating. It’s been going on for many, many years.

I am fed up and frustrated. He waits until I go to bed to eat more so he doesn’t feel judged while doing it. I do judge. We have young kids, I am looking after them when he eventually hits gym phase. I worry about the example he sets for them. The heavier he gets the less he wants to or is able to do with them.

It’s an unattractive trait to not have self control and to not take care of yourself and it’s making me reconsider our future together.

Am I being unreasonable?

There's usually a reason behind disordered eating. He might benefit from therapy or Overeaters Anonymous. Beat have a good helpline if you're looking for more information.

It’s an eating disorder. I think most people would find it difficult to be in a relationship with someone with an ED, an addiction or serious mental illness. It doesn’t make you a bad person. I’d treat it the same way as I would if he had a cocaine addiction: he needs to seek treatment and he needs to stick to a plan to get better. It’s no way to live for any of you.

And what has he said when you have spoken to him about this?

It's an eating disorder. He is not in control of it. Have some compassion. Would you tell an anorexic to just put food in their mouth? If it was a question of willpower eating disorders wouldn't exist

He hates his relationship with food. Has said in the past he’d get help but never actually does. Just starts a new ‘diet’ that fizzles out quickly and then eats in secret again.

He's putting a massive effort into fighting an eating disorder, and it's not working. He might be helped by some form of therapy if he's willing to try.
If you can't stand living with his oscillating between over eating and frantically exercising, perhaps it is time to call it a day.

It’s an unattractive trait to not have self control and to not take care of yourself and it’s making me reconsider our future together.

It’s not about self-control though, is it? He’s clearly got major issues around food.

He sounds like so many posters on Mumsnet to be honest.

If you feel you need to reconsider your future together, don't feel guilty about it.

He needs to learn to help himself but he needs to be ready to do that and that may be a long way off in the future if at all.

I'd suggest he look into CBT to change his thoughts and behaviours around food

It's an addiction, if he's ready the GP can refer him for help, behavioural threapy has high sucess rates more so than Overeaters Anonymous which has a religious slant.

I've suffered with binge eating disorder for 40 years. It's an absolutely torturous way to live. The shame is crippling and it's very difficult to escape. I wouldn't recommend OA personally. Yes there are addiction elements to the behaviour but food is not like alcohol or drugs or gambling, and that's why (in my personal experience) the OA model just doesn't fit.

I have been free from BED behaviour (both bingeing and restricting) for about 6 months, I've been having specialist psychodynamic therapy with a therapist experienced in eating disorders. I feel I'm making progress. BEAT would be a great place to start if your partner is open to seeking help.

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/get-help-for-myself/i-need-support-now/helplines/

It’s completely up to you what you are and are not prepared to accept in a relationship. If this isn’t for you, then not unreasonable to end it.

That said, what you’ve described is a form of eating disorder. Your husband does need to decide he wants to change but if he made that choice I’d stand by and support him. It’s not as simple as just having a bit more self-control.

I speak from experience, as someone who has overcome similar habits. I was a terrible emotional eater, it took the stress of work related stress.