Neighbour TW domestic violence and S/A

[LadybugsAndSunshine]

TRIGGER WARNING CONTAINS VIOLENCE AND SA.
What do you think your husband would do in this situation, What do you think is the best way to react in this situation?
Me and DH have lived in our house for 9 years, the neighbours in question have always been very friendly.
Over the last two years we regularly have BBQ’s or go out as a group for meals.
They have always seemed like a very loving happy couple.
Around six months ago the husband lost his brother in a car accident, my husband let him know he was there if he needs to talk but we haven’t brought it up in conversation when our meals out have continued.
The wife has said to me he is depressed but wasn’t wanting therapy or medication. Last week she came round and told me over the last month things have got much worse. He started belittling her with comments about her looks/her house keeping l, has twice pushed her up against a wall and seen red (her words) and punched walls right next to her face. She also said the next day he acts like nothing has happened. She also said on one morning he initiated sex, she said no multiple times and he did it anyway.
She has took her wedding ring off but doesn’t want to leave or report him, she wants him to get help and become the husband he used to be. This is what she has said to him. She thinks therapy and antidepressants could fix this.
She is away with work for the next week.,Rightly or wrongly I told my husband what she’d said, he is shocked and really disgusted.
Yesterday he saw the husband in the carpark area we all use and he asked my husband if they could meet up for a drink and chat one night after work. My husband didn’t agree or disagree but doesn’t really want to, he thinks there’s no excuse and can’t stand to listen to him trying to blame grieving on domestic violence and rape.
I agree with him and wouldn’t want to either but I can’t make the wife leave or report so we want to support her in anyway we can, but we both don’t really know how to handle this.

Anyone?

She needs to leave and his behaviour is escalating. He's gone from shouting, to punching walls to rape. She's in denial and doesn't understand the danger she's in.

Things you can suggest are: speaking to Rape Crisis, speaking to her GP, speaking to a domestic abuse organisation and moving in with family. The National Domestic Abuse helpline is available 24/7.

Let her know she has your place if she needs to escape. If she's in danger then dial 999. My advice is that your husband continues their friendship in case he cuts her off from you.

She can download the Brightsky app which has lots of information.

Report it anonymously perhaps, any shouting or anything you've heard. You can call or message 101 (non emergency police line). The best way is to encourage her to report it, through women's aid or any other charity. Get her to go to her GP as well she seems in need of extra support through therapy.

I've lived a fairly sheltered life, but I've never heard of grief driving a man to rape his wife. A shorter fuse I could understand, though it's not right for him to become physically violent. This is on another level. I'd feel like he was using his grief as an excuse to give himself over to a darker side he's been keeping under control.

She does need help, whether she realises it or not. You can call the police if you hear an altercation, but the sad truth is that she has to want help for herself for it to make a real difference.

I have suggested women’s aid, Rape crisis, her GP but at the moment she is adamant that he is having some sort of breakdown and that the husband she loves is still in there but needs help. I have also let her know that she can knock on my door at anytime for help.
If my husband agrees to speak with him what the hell should he say, what can you say to someone like him?

I agree his behaviour is escalating. Do they have children? I would continue to support her and encourage her to leave and for her to speak to a domestic abuse support agency.

Your husband shouldn't challenge him or mention the abuse in case he takes it out on his wife. He might also cut her off from any support networks.

It's more likely he has been abusive for years, but in more subtle ways she hasn't recognised previously.

If it was truly grief causing this sudden change, and he was previously totally unproblematic, then he would be mentally ill to such an extent that he is a danger to himself or others, and needs to be sectioned.

Thanks for your responses, this is such a delicate subject and me and DH don’t want to cause him to abuse her anymore than he already is.
She left last night and won’t be back for another 8 days (work trip abroad)
I saw him this morning when I took the bins out but pretending I didn’t and my DH see him in the front garden when he got home, he pretended to be on the phone but the neighbour called out and mentioned meeting up this week again, odd because we’ve always met up as a foursome.
Talking to my husband last night and he really wants to help the woman neighbour but now can’t stand him. He said he doesn’t like the idea that he (neighbours husband) has probably told himself that rapists are men who stand in dark corners and drag strangers into alleyways, and that because he’s done it in his own wife in there own home then he can’t be a rapist.
Should he keep making excuses not to meet up and when he’s wife gets back I’ll say to her that we are both here for her but aren’t comfortable around him any longer, is that ok or will this make it worse?

The advice you’ve been given (and ignored) is for your husband to continue to be civil with this man, so that he doesn’t escalate his behaviour towards his wife any further. So he should go out for a drink with him.

Oh dear ‘Three sides to every story : her side, his side, the ‘truth’. I know on Mumsbpnet everyone instantly believes that the man is a vile villain but….do you have any evidence at all that this is happening, apart from her statements? If you don’t, maybe consider going out as usual and seeing what you think about the husbands mental state?

Personally, I'd encourage your DH meet up with him to just see what he has to say.... you haven't heard his side of the story - not that he's innocent or anything, but just see what he has to say.

What evidence should I ask to see before I believe her, DNA evidence, photographs, a video recording?!?? Of course I believe her, because I’m a woman and this sort of shit happens all the time. I don’t blame her for not wanting to report, look at the statistics of men getting convicted you’ll understand too.
My husband can be civil enough (pretend to be on the phone, give a quick wave) that doesn’t mean he isn’t allowed to not want to sit around drinking beer and pretending he doesn’t know.

But your husband doesn’t know both sides, does he?

I’m not for a second saying I don’t believe her. Who would make that shit up? But you always hear of people who try to help in these situations but when the people concerned get behind closed doors, it’s always the victim that gets hurt again.

So, get your husband to go out this week and find out his side of the story. Maybe, if it all comes out, your husband can persuade him to get help, or go to the police himself.

If you want to keep her safe he needs to act like he doesn't know and do whatever he would've before, or the neighbour will know the wife has told you.
If he says anything to your DH he can challenge it, it's not on to take things out in your wife etc, maybe go armed with local agencies who deal with this, all PCC areas commission community based DA perpetrator services there will be one in your area. Men can self refer, I don't think that will make her safe long term but they also come with a story worker for the victim if he requests help. He won't say the worst things but he might say I've raised my voice or lost my temper. Frame it as healthy relationship support after his bereavement

My husband lost his brother in very similar circumstances some years ago. I promise you there were no incidents of domestic violence or SA. yes, of course he was depressed but punching walls? Belittling me? No. Grief is not an excuse for this shit. He’s not going to be the husband he was, he’s now showing her who he really is.