Am I not doing enough?

[Financialthymes]

AIBU?

My parents moved to our town a couple
of years ago. Sadly after 6 months here my Dad passed away. It wasn’t expected but he was 10+ years older than my Mum and wasn’t in great health. We miss him terribly. Mum is now living alone a few minutes drive from me. I was working PT when they moved here, but I am now FT and have been for a few months, which limits the amount of time I can spend time with her. I have primary school DC and she kindly comes over to be with them two afternoons a week after school before I finish work. We also see her most Saturdays after the kids activities - going out for lunch or a coffee.

My DH and I went to a wedding yesterday in another part of the UK - we stayed two nights and come home today. In that time I wasn’t in touch with my DM as I was enjoying being with my DH and being bridesmaid to my friend. I was in brief contact with my MIL to check on how my kids were. My DH and I have never been away together for any overnight stays since before the kids were born.

I called my DM today to see how she is, tell her about the wedding and see if she wanted to come out with us on Saturday as we are going on our summer holiday for a week on Monday.

She was immediately angry and asked me where I had been (she knew about the wedding) and that she knew I had been in touch with my MIL and that it was upsetting and an embarrassment to be told by MIL that I had been in touch and to be asked ‘haven’t you heard from her?’ I explained to DM that I was busy with the wedding and only contacted my MIL to check on the kids, not to have a catchup with her. She asked why I didn’t tell her I had arrived safely.

DM then says she doesn’t know what she is doing living here, that she feels ‘like a goldfish in a bowl’ and that I don’t know what it’s like losing a husband (I know I don’t, and I don’t pretend to imagine, I have also lost my Dad’.

I said that I was sorry for upsetting her but also I just didn’t think - I was busy and having a nice time and didn’t intend to upset her by checking on my kids.

AIBU? She seems to just be waiting to fall out with me - if I don’t text or call her she doesn’t contact me, just seems to sit in the house and make it this huge thing.

For context my DM has next to no relationship with her other, older children (my half-siblings, who I don’t see either) so I am her only child in effect.

Keep strong and have your boundaries. She’ll soon give up sulking.

Obviously your Mum is in a very vulnerable position being left without her husband but you have done nothing wrong, in fact you have made sure to involve her with your family a lot.
I wouldn’t apologise for not ringing her this weekend, does she have friends where she lived before, do you think she might be happier moving back there?

She's sounding like She's anxious and depressed. We do tend to let it out with safe feeling loved ones.

Not going to hold it against her at all, by the way. I love my Mum and I know she is struggling - today just felt unfair on me, but I’ll get over it. She had acquaintances back home, not really close friends. Covid really isolated my parents even further.

She gets on well with my MIL and my DH’s other family members who live close by, so she doesn’t lack social skills or anything. Looking after my Dad took a lot out of her as his health declined and although I would obviously my Dad was here, I did think in time she might see she was able to take a break and do more things for herself.

It sounds to me as though you see quite a lot of your DM.

I'm a widow and live by myself. My only relative is my son and he lives in a city an hour and three quarters drive away. So I see him every 2 or 3 weeks when he will stay over a night at the weekend. We message daily and talk on the phone most days unless he is busy socially. He has his own life and I respect that and I'm pleased he has.

So I think your DM is being unreasonable if she really thinks as a busy working Mum yourself you aren't supposed to have a few days off enjoying yourself with your DH without needing to check in with her all the time.

Does your mum go and and meet people? Go to clubs? And meet friends?

Your mum can't rely on you for her social life, she she needs to meet other people. Can you suggest her joining a club/volounteering ?

Not at all. I’ve tried to encourage her to get a mobility scooter as her mobility isn’t great, so she could pop down to the library. I’ve also offered to go to some groups with her the first few times until she’s comfortable going it alone.

I would be worried if I were you. I am a retired and past pension age, I live alone and have two grown dc with families. I would dread being needy to my family. I have several groups, which has led to a lot of friends both married and single, who are retired and eager to socialise. I look after dgc at my own home sometimes overnight and take dgc away for short holidays. I have help with a cleaner and gardener and my house is future proof so I can stay hopefully into very old age.
I would resent the ‘letting her know you arrived safely’ thing or she will have you on a piece of string and you will have no life. She must accept, as I do that family with jobs and kids only have limited free time and will want to have time within their own unit.
I would hate them to contact me as a duty thing and we seem to have somehow got a good balance, enjoying our time together whilst leaving me space for socialising and my solo hobbies. I can enjoy a day out both with and without company. I have a mobility scooter which I can manage in and out of a car myself. This gives me total independence of movement, which I value
You must decide what time you can give and stick to it. I feel for her loss, but you do not owe anyone your life. I have seen situations like yours that have developed into very unhappy lives and resentment. You sound very kind, but people will take advantage
The happiest widows I know, are ones who planned for a life after marriage and set up a social life and mutually supportive friendships, these helped through loss and afterwards. Whilst missing the dear husbands, the are able to enjoy life again.
Hope you are able to reach a good balance op

Good grief, you do loads op! Hold your boundaries, she needs to have a life of her own, not take over yours. Dont get into any nonsense about comparisons about phoning her and phoning your MIL, that way madness lies.

You mum needs to find activities to make friends.

I lost my dad a few years ago. Mum completely relies on me as siblings not local. It's hard to say No.

You can only do as much as you are able and don't get upset if it's not enough in her eyes. You need to put yourself first.

I'm glad you got a couple of days at the wedding to enjoy.