To not want to parent anymore

[Breadandsticks]

I’ve been a mum throughout my whole adult life. Since the age of 20. I then had my second at 30. I’m 2 years in with my second and for the past few weeks I have felt this heavy sense of not wanting to parent anymore. Or maybe I’m overwhelmed - I don’t know.

My partner recovered from an operation and honestly, now that he is “OK” I feel the load of everything is falling on me. And he seems to have taken their role of “babysitter” - although he is taking care of the house and cooking and cleaning - so I don’t have to think about that. We both work - I work less hours. I guess when he wants to go out he does and can, and I don’t object. If something comes up for me I either take the kids, if I can. Or cancel if I can’t. Or find his schedule is free or he is feeling ok.

My AIBU is asking if this is normal.

My actual ask is to parents that have felt this way - what did you do. Whilst I seem to be managing the day to day and putting in a brave face and I actually love the time I spend with the kids - I really do - but I have this deep emotion I can’t seem to shake off - where I’m almost regretting becoming a parent again.

It’s hard going back to the young children stage when you’ve gone past it with the eldest . I’m similar , had one young and have had more a big age gap later and I’ll be honest I do feel done in with it , parenting spread out over so many years can be a challenge . In terms of what I’ve done , I suppose I’ve tried like you to enjoy the time with them as much as I can but I also have begun playing catch up career wise now which helps a lot to make things feel different as I am beginning to be able to do a bit more due to having a bit of money coming in.
ive had some really tough times with it though so I feel for you on this - I did find it’s got easier as the youngest is now at school .

We have a shared calendar, but you can’t just put things in without speaking to the other as we are both parents. It doesn’t mean I never have to cancel a plan as DH works away more frequently than I do. But no adult is under the illusion that the other is the default parent.

You sound exhausted OP. Two is a difficult and physically demanding age to parent. Your partner having had an operation probably means you’ve been doing all the grunt work. Make sure you get time to lie in, go to gym/walk/rest now he’s better. Otherwise you will burn out.

If your DH has recovered from his operation then it’s time for him to step up. You should both have to check with the other person that they are ok to look after LO if you want to go out to do something. And the other parent shouldn’t object if they don’t have something already in the diary or a big thing on at work or whatever. It’s not ok for him to just go out without checking with you and it’s also not ok for him to not do equal childcare.

in your shoes I’d get a hobby one fixed evening a week when he will always be in charge of childcare; and also make sure you get at least one social thing a month with friends where he’s also in charge. You should also get equal lie-ins / evenings off from doing bedtime.

I guess when he wants to go out he does and can, and I don’t object. If something comes up for me I either take the kids, if I can. Or cancel if I can’t. Or find his schedule is free or he is feeling ok.

This is the issue.
You are the default parent. You always have to be looking after them, unless specifically agreed in advance with DH that he will "babysit". Whereas he assumes he is free to come and go because you will by default be looking after the DC.

No amount of equality in money or housework or equal morning lie-ins makes up for the fact that the DC are ALWAYS in your care, unless pre-arranged otherwise, but NEVER in his care, unless pre-arranged otherwise.

This is insidious.
Imagine being next to a swimming pool on holiday. He can relax without a care in the world, wander off to buy a drink, but you can't relax because you have to keep an eye on the DC and can't leave the area without telling him to watch them.

Not sure how you can change such an ingrained pattern though.

Thanks. @Mumlaplomb it is probably the beginning of a burnout. Although I never expect it to come from outside of work.

@PercyPigInAWig A calendar is a good idea as right now we just verbally agree. But what I’ve noticed is that there isn’t any compromise with his arrangements. If he wants to go out, he is going out - and to be fair, I don’t object. I have put my foot down when I have really needed childcare. I also freelance alongside work and so a lot of the “events” i need him to takeover the childcare for are usually work related. When I socialise with my actual friends they either come over or we do food or something local with the kids. Whilst he might have an evening with the “boys” or whatever.

That’s exactly it. I’m the default parent. I even just cancelled my gym membership last week because I’ve only gone 3 times since joining this winter - I’ve not been able to fit in time.

I also think we are both frustrated at having to deal with health issues and not expecting it in our 30s. It’s also always being needed by someone at all times of the day - and I honestly feel like the only time I’m not doing something is when I’m sleeping.

I’m grateful that others get it - as I’ve really hated feeling this way and haven’t even told OH.

I get it totally. A lot of women are the main carer and feel the burden/mum guilt of it.

A good male friend of mine - a good dad - talks about baby sitting his kids. I give him short shrift, clip round the ear, when he does it.

Doesn't sound to me like you don’t want to parent though, you just want to parent equally with your partner. You’ll not change this overnight, start small, make some changes and build on it.

I agree with the calendar suggestion. In our house, if it’s not written on the calendar then that date is fair game.

I don’t understand why you frame it as not enjoying parenting when it seems to me that your partner is the bigger issue. You don’t enjoy parenting WITH YOUR PARTNER.