Hi everyone,
I’m 26 and 28 weeks pregnant with twins. They were a total surprise. I already have a 4-year-old daughter and while this definitely wasn’t part of a grand plan, my husband and I are over the moon. We weren’t actively trying, but we weren’t preventing either.
The issue is with my best friend, I’ve known her since I was in school She’s 27 and has been trying for a baby for over five years. She’s had multiple miscarriages and some really hard news recently about her fertility. I’ve always tried to be there for her through the heartbreak, the waiting, the hope, the disappointment. I’ve always been mindful of her feelings around pregnancy and parenthood, and I’ve done my best never to be insensitive. I never complain about my daughter in front of her, try not to bring my daughter when I see her, if she’s coming over I try and time it to when my daughter is out of the house.
So when I found out I was pregnant again I felt sick at the thought of telling her. Not because I wasn’t happy, but because I knew it would hurt her and the last thing I ever wanted was to cause more pain.
I messaged her privately and gently. I told her I had some news, but only if she was in the space to hear it, and that I completely understood if she needed time or space. I explained that I was pregnant, and that it was twins, said I understood this might be hard to hear, and I wasn’t expecting anything from her. I just wanted to tell her so that I wasn’t lying to her
She went quiet for a few hours and then came back with “Of course you are. Must be nice.”
Since then, things have just unravelled. She’s gone from distant to downright horrible.
She’s told me I don’t deserve more children, that it’s “greedy” to have more when some people “can’t even have one.” She’s said it’s “sickening” that someone who has a child already gets twins handed to them. She’s made comments about how I need to “hope” my twins don’t turn out like my daughter - her goddaughter.
When I had a scan, I warned her I was going to be posting it on Instagram to announce it, and I didn’t want her to be blindsided if she opened her social media and saw it. She launched into a tirade about how I was narcissistic for even considering posting, and that if I was a real friend I’d “hide it” to protect her mental health.
At 14 weeks, I had a scare and a bleed and ended up in maternity triage. I was terrified. I sent a quick text to our friendship group chat to let them know what was happening, mainly because I was reaching out for some support. My husband was at home with our daughter and I needed someone to be there. She read the messages in the group chat and sent me a private text about how this was “karma” coming for me for “being greedy”.
She’s made nasty little jabs about how “my body will never recover,” told me I look “like I’ve given up already,” and has told me not to bring the pregnancy up in our group chat because “some of us are trying not to fall apart.” I’ve been as mindful as possible, I don’t tend to mention it around our friends and if we’re even in a group situation I’ll wear as loose clothes as possible to conceal the bump. But on the other hand, this is potentially my last pregnancy, and I want to enjoy it.
Every time I see her, she’ll comment on how much larger I am, and how I want to be careful because “I’d hate for something to happen”, but the way she says it feels like a threat. It feels like she’s wishing for something to happen. She will randomly bring up the risks associated with a twin pregnancy, and a C-section birth.
I’ve had several conversations with her about this now, and I’ve said I completely understand if she needs distance, that I know this is hard for her and I don’t expect her to be involved or happy for me. But I’ve also said that I can’t keep being on the receiving end of these constant digs and passive-aggressive comments. That this has gone beyond her grief and feels like bullying. She has come back and said that I’ve “abandoned her in her darkest time,” and that I’ve “made everything about myself.” She says I’ve changed.
I feel like I haven’t, I’ve just been protective of myself. I don’t really want to share the good news with her anymore, when we found out what we were having, she again said I was a narcissist because we did a “reveal”. We were at home with our daughter, I had my phone set up to take some photos to send to relatives on the other side of the world, and we had a cake. It was private between the three of us, but she said it showed my “true colours”.
I get that she’s hurting. I really do. But I’m hurting too. I feel like I’ve done everything I can to be gentle and respectful, and I’m still getting torn down just for existing in a season of life she wishes she was in.
I’ve cried over this more times than I can count, and I feel horrible even writing this out. But I don’t know what else to do anymore. My husband thinks that I should just cut her off, but I feel like it would fracture our friendship group beyond belief.
So… AIBU to step away from this friendship, at least for now? Or am I being cold and selfish for even thinking it?
I don’t want to punish her for being in pain. But I don’t think I can keep being the emotional punching bag either.
Would really appreciate some honest thoughts, especially if anyone’s been through something similar.