To still be friends with my ex?

[LoyalBird]

Me and my ex split 3yrs ago. We are still friends. Have no children. We see each other every now and then for a catch up or dinner etc. if I’m being honest I do still love him and think I always will, however I don’t want him back. Too much time has passed and it just wouldn’t work. I am in a new relationship however I wouldn’t say it’s anything serious, current partner is obviously emotionally unavailable, doesn’t love me. I don’t feel ready for anything serious so it suits me. He says he’s not jealous I’m friends with my ex as he trusts me but has a massive problem with it and doesn’t see why we’re friends. Is being friends with an ex wrong?

It is wrong to be in a serious relationship with someone when there is a potential future with them but you are still in love with your ex romantically. In your current situation though, I don’t think it is a problem

To be friends with your ex, not unreasonable. To be in a new relationship while still in love with your ex, very unreasonable.

I said love not in love.

current partner is obviously emotionally unavailable

This will create a vacuum in your life, so you’re filling it with meeting your ex who you (presumably) used to be emotionally close to. You have that need there and current partner isn’t fulfilling it.

its not unreasonable to have friendship with an ex but it is tricky for a new prospective partner to get involved in that context

it sounds like this one isn’t the new one perhaps isn’t for you anyway. You have to ask yourself why your friendship with an ex is causing you to draw comparisons with your new partner.

My ex boyfriend of my teen years is my best friend. My ex husband I see a few times a year for dinner and a catch up.

My DH has no problem with any of the above because there are no romantic or sexual feelings between me and my exes on any level. And 5 mins in our respective company shows that.
Those feelings are long since gone but they are both people I grew and developed with as a human and whose company I enjoyed. That didn’t change just because our romantic relationship didn’t work.

its different for everyone but I just don’t get the whole pretending exes don’t exist and weren’t a major part of your life mantra. Fair enough if they were abusive or things ended very badly and nobody wants to listen to someone banging on about their ex all day. But within reason I think it’s totally fine and even if you don’t have children.

From your posts it sounds like you are very open and honest with clear boundaries and you are someone your partner can trust. Your partner doesn’t have a problem with you seeing your exes because you have never given them that uneasy gut feeling that something might be off. There is clearly nothing going on between you and your exes you have zero emotional or sexual interest in them and it shows. You are just friends. Some people struggle with their partners seeing their exes because their gut is telling them something isn’t right and unfortunately that instinct is often correct about ninety percent of the time. That is why some people take issue with it.

It is possible. After the initial anxiety of our split, after a very long relationship, we are very close as friends. We cook for each other, travel together and look out for each other. We've both had dates and even laughed about the ones that didn't work out.

It’s absolutely normal and fine to be friends with an ex provided you aren’t harbouring deep feelings for them and lying to yourself or to a new partner.

Once the romantic/sexual part of a relationship has faded an ex is really no different from any other friend. I’m always a bit suspicious of people who think there should be a hard line against it: if you have spent many years living intimately with someone and there’s no animosity it seems very odd to completely eliminate them from your life.

But I think if you are embarking on a new relationship and still routinely seeking out a former partner as a close friend you do have to wonder what the new relationship isn’t providing you with.