I have these narcissistic traits, please help me understand this

[Meeosn]

I have this concept of being superior to others. I won’t be able to describe this very well as it’s scrambled in my head but it’s there and I am quite critical of others especially in my mind. I always give the outward impression that I know best. I sometimes do this with humour but there is a part of me that feels it.

However alongside this I am insecure, feel inferior to others, need validation, hate to feel I’ve said no to someone, feel massive guilt and so on.

I don’t feel I enjoy life often, my life is trying to enjoy moments but always feeling they are ruined in some way.

We recently went to the zoo with our toddler and we had a small row on arrival, it was minor and then we had a nice day. I obsessed over the row and that night said the day was ruined, DP said it was ridiculous, we still had a nice time and happy memories. I am always destroying my life.

I don’t know why I am like this?

Anxiety.

And insecurity.

Those things are absolutely narcissistic traits, but it doesn't mean you have NPD.

Best for you to relay your concerns at the GP and ask to see a psychiatrist. Tell them it's majorly affecting your family life and relationships.

Yeah because mental health support is so easy to access in the NHS.

You wont get a Psychiatrist referral for replaying rows in your head and mistrusting yourself.

I don’t think any strangers on the internet can really advise on your personality you without knowing you. There will be no straight answer and no easy fix. It is probably something from your childhood that needs to be unpicked with the help of a therapist

However alongside this I am insecure, feel inferior to others, need validation, hate to feel I’ve said no to someone, feel massive guilt and so on.

Also, is there anyone who hasn't felt like that at some time or another during their life? It doesn't warrant a referral to psychiatry.

Go to counselling

How was your early life? This sounds like trauma to me.

If you have experiences in your early life that led you to feel love is conditional on things being perfect then it will be hard harder to tolerate the many completely normal small ruptures in relationships that are rebuildable and a normal part of life. I wonder if you might also have a self-image that depends on external validation to feel ok?

Finding someone to talk to would maybe be helpful.

I have this concept of being superior to others.

I wouldn’t worry too much about this, as I think this is very normal. For a lot of people.

My instances this week:

• Sat in a Teams meeting where the organiser couldn’t unmute themselves or share their screen. Clicking the wrong things constantly. I was thinking “God, what a complete idiot. I could do this with my eyes closed”.
• Driving. I pulled over to let a blue light ambulance pass. The cars in-front just stayed out not making any effort to make things easier for the ambulance. Or they weren’t paying attention to their surroundings. I was (saying out loud) “Are you all blind or fucking stupid?”
• Reading my local towns Facebook page of just post after post of awful grammar and questions that can quite easy be Googled, and having similar thoughts of “what idiots”.

I appreciate I might not come across as very pleasant from these examples 😂but I am being brutally honest and at the same time I can be a very caring, loving person when I’m not dealing with idiots.

However alongside this I am insecure, feel inferior to others, need validation, hate to feel I’ve said no to someone, feel massive guilt and so on.

This is due to low confidence and low self esteem. You need to learn that your worth isn’t deemed by validation from others. No one is superior or is inferior to others. (Even when people are being idiots). You need to live your life your you. Try out new hobbies. Spend less time online and more time in fresh air. Seek out private counselling if you can afford it, even for just a few sessions to really explain to someone how you’re feeling.

I suspect you’re young. In your 20’s? If so, I promise you won’t feel like this forever.

Can you see a counsellor and work on your self esteem and emotional regulation? These are skills not personality traits and can be developed. I'll hazard a guess that you're critical of others and yourself. Whenever there is a threat to your self image you get very anxious. Genuinely build your self esteem and you don't have to be the best to be deserving of love and acceptance. Maybe look at medication to help with anxiety too? It can be a really helpful while you work on these issues that are impacting your life

You need to respect and trust other people. You will argue less if you assume the other person is doing their best, and that they have skills and qualities both better and worse than your own.

Acceptance is also important. Accept who people are. Accept who you are. Stop trying to perfect and polish everything and make it look better.

Do daily gratitudes.

Honestly, for most people it isn’t that hard- there are basic precepts that work pretty well. Do as you would be done by etc. If you lean into them, you can improve.

If you see people as pawns in your life, that’s problematic. If you have trouble feeling compassion or empathy, that’s problematic also. but the traits you mention here are fairly common - we all have some traits of the disorder, that’s why in order to be diagnosed, someone has to measure a list with a trained professional.

focusing on the bad/ the row you had - is simply something our brains do. We are wired for survival, and our brains think they’re keeping us safe by having a negative bias.
with a therapist, you can work out how to counteract this instinctive behavior.

if it was something else, like you were aware on some level that you couldn’t let it go/ needed to punish someone for it, that also can be worked on with a therapist.

even people diagnosed with NPD can learn and work with their habitual ways of interacting. It can’t be “cured,” but it can be worked with… it’s rare for a true narcissist to want to seek help.

''I have this concept of being superior to others.''

That came from somewhere. Think back to when you were growing up, did your parents have that attitude? Did you have to keep up a united family front? Were there penalties for letting the side down? If so, you may qualify for therapy on the NHS if you can't afford to pay.

In the mean time, do you ever laugh at yourself, let yourself be imperfect without beating yourself up, let yourself make mistakes or be ridiculous in front of people you trust? Can you apologise when you mess up? Those kind of behaviours are are all good antidotes; practice them as often as you can.
Also let yourself take pride in your accomplishments, the ones you have worked on and earned.

I don’t think narcissists know they are narcissists so the fact that you reflect and worry about these things makes it very unlikely you are a narcissist.

I think most people hold themselves in higher regard than their peers - look how many opinionated people there are on this app alone 🤣🤣 you sound quite normal to me!

I was with a narcissist for a few years. The most fragile and self loathing person I have ever known.

get some therapy

I’m ND (adhd) and feel a lot of this. As the first poster says a lot of it is anxiety which is heavily linked to adhd.

no one is perfect. Sometimes I want to live alone so I don’t need to worry about these things but that wouldn’t be right. Just got to push through.

i don’t think you’d post like this if you were a narc

Good for you OP, for considering this

I believe you will find answers in schema therapy which you can learn about under your own steam. https://schematherapysociety.org/Schema-Therapy is an amazing resource. There’s a cheesy book called Reinventing Your Life, it’s really dated, but if you can get past that it offers practical advice for how to deal with all of the different maladaptive schemas.
Schema therapy is evidenced based and is the gold standard for treating personality disorders, it’s rational and very well suited for people to learn about and action on their own. If you like it, you can find a schema Therapist , although they do tend to be quite expensive.
good luck!

These are all things which are various types of defence mechanism against not feeling good enough / worthy / loveable.

They will all come from things that happened during childhood (and that doesn’t have to mean very serious trauma - it can just be emotionally immature or highly critical parents for example).

Have a look into schema therapy which I found really useful…

Ah so glad to see someone else suggesting schema therapy @Driftingawaynow - I don’t see it come up very often!

Maybe. But be careful if someone else (i.e. your dp) has told you these things are narcissistic, that can often be part of emotional abuse and DARVO.