Mum/Granni problems

[Lostinthewildernessthatislife]

Am I overreacting?
my mum was complaining for years about the “lack of grandchildren” and had convinced herself she was never going to have any. Until I fell pregnant at the age of 35 and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy last January.
her behaviour has since puzzled, annoyed and upset me. We see her once a week (she works 2 days a week and the other days is doing things for her own mum who is in her 80’s now and was my mums idea to
move her next door) she constantly complains that she has to do quite a lot for her and doesn’t get much time to herself, feels guilty if she leaves the house without her etc. anyway we are supposed to take in turns going to each others houses but more often than not I’m taking my son over to hers. When I have suggested taking my son to baby groups, farms or anything else he would like she pulls a face as if to say really? And has even asked on occasion “do you really want to spend the day doing that?” If she comes to mine she always wants to go into town. She buys my son toys from charity shops (bearing in mind she works for a high end retailer who stock baby toys and clothes and gets a good staff discount) she is always bringing home freebies (food mainly) from work and insists on telling me she got it free before she cooks it for us. She never offers to get us anything to take home. My partner and I are struggling a bit atm financially as he has been in and out of work, I’m currently a sahm trying to get back into work (is a lengthy process due to my profession) and she is aware of this. We haven’t been away this year, she has had 2 holidays with her husband and her mum and is planning on going away again in September. Yesterday she said “oh you and I and little one could go” to which I was delighted but then said oh but it’s the week of her husbands birthday so no that’s not fair etc. we moved house specifically to be closer to her as we lived 2 hours away whilst I was pregnant, so we moved so I could be near my mum for some support, there has been virtually none.

What support do you think you need? Your mum more often than not brings you a meal once a week and cooks it for you as well. If you're fed up of going into town with her use your voice and say no thank you, I'm taking little one to the farm/beach/woods.

You want a free holiday with her, that's a bit cheeky of you but she's unkind to dangle the possibility in front of you.

You and your husband need to pull your fingers out and find jobs. Any job will do, you might have to be ships in the night working opposites to keep child care costs down. Can you expedite your return to your profession?

Could her reluctance to do all day things or coming to your house have anything to do with her caring responsibilities for her Mum? I’m in a similar position to your DM (but without the grandchildren) and I never spend the whole day away from home without arranging for someone to pop in to see my DM, despite her having a falls alert watch. She’s cooking for you once a week and spending time with you which is quite a bit of support on top of her caring responsibilities.

wind your neck in, OP. She is the sandwich generation. TBH you should be helping her, not the other way around.

Wow. I'm astounded that you expect so much from your mother, but not from your partner. For instance, holding down a job. And I appreciate it may be difficult for you to return to your industry but you could get a job. If things are so dire that you're looking for free food from your mother then surely any income is better than no income?!

Your mum is busy. It is so so difficult being away from elderly parents who need care. Frankly, you should be going to her anyway as you don't have demands on your time.

Rage bait?

It sounds like her situation has changed. I am guessing that when she was hoping for grandchildren she wasn't also having to care for her own mother. She might also have been hoping to retire early, but with the cost of everything going up that hasn't been achievable.

It also sounds like you are expecting her to fund your choice of having a child, purely because she once expressed a desire to have grandchildren. Unfortunately children are expensive, so you won't necessarily be going on holidays any time soon, especially if you aren't working. A lot of places will start, if they haven't already, to advertise temporary Christmas positions so maybe you could look at those and start saving for next year.
You sound a bit rude also by expecting new gifts. There is absolutely nothing wrong with items from a charity shop (unless they are broken or missing any pieces). A lot of toys my children had were second hand, and as a toddler this is the easiest time to buy cheaper options as when they get older they want more specific items and you end up buying new.
Likewise why should she be getting you food to take home? Many places have policies in place about this and you should only take what you would be using..if she starts picking up a lot extra then maybe this would be questioned and she would lose the opportunity herself at taking any leftovers.

It sounds like you see her regularly and get a cooked meal, so I really don't see what the issue is.

She’s working.
shes caring for her own mother
she sees you regularly, cooks you food and goes out

and you want more of her support? Because you think she has too many holidays?

give your head a wobble and ask her if she wants any help with your grandma, as you’re not working and she is!

Im same age as you, my grandparents are also in their 80s its hard on my dm as they need so much extra help/support and have been very sick. It does take its toll especially when the person in the middle (your mum) is also working
Also in regards to your point about pulling a face when you say park/farm etc if think thats just the experience of some people who were kids in the 60s, they didn't really get taken to these weekly child focused activities, I was a kid in the 90s and my childhood consisted of shopping centres and garden centres!! Thats probably just a generational thing but with my dc I just took them to the places we wanted to go to and thats that.

Also you do get a weekly meal sorted thats a huge help. Shes probably emotionally mentally drained with her dm tbh I think you need to cut back what your expectations are and maybe offer to check in on granny one day/evening a week to give your mum a break

So you are a SAHM ,and your partner is not working full time . Well he should be pulling his finger out and helping you obviously then. I’m not sure why you want support from your mum who also works part time and has her elderly mother to look after also . But she even gets food from work and cooks it for you , and you complain she doesn’t get your child new stuff from work , only second hand stuff from charity stores . Do you ever help your grandmother or cook a meal for your mum? You sound very selfish and entitled.