I don’t really know why I’m posting this here but sometimes getting things out to strangers can help.
I’ve been slowly hitting rock bottom for months now and I have no idea if it’s because for the first time ever I have a stable home life and everything is bubbling up or if it’s because I’ve got worse.
To the outside world, I seem functioning. I’m intelligent, well spoken and have raised some lovely, empathetic children. I went to good schools which opened some doors I’d never been able to walk through otherwise.
Behind the scenes, however, I am an absolute mess. I suffered absolutely horrendous abuse and neglect as a child that wasn’t picked up by anyone. Because I was a child, and actually well into adulthood, I wasn’t able to see my situation clearly and so I just got on with it.
When my dad died 12 years ago, it had an absolutely profound effect on me. I developed a panic disorder and my mental health hasn’t been the same since. I also think having children made it harder to hide some things- such as me being anxious.
since then I’ve also endured a bitter divorce, aggressive cancer, domestic abuse which resulted in me fleeing to a refuge and making a decision to let my children go to their dad because I didn’t want them to endure a refuge too.
I am untidy and impulsive- when my marriage broke down I moved my children 100 miles away.
I can’t stay in a job for long because I can’t cope with stress.
i have spoken to so many professionals about what if I have a personality disorder and am hurting the people I love (my children) but they say it’s more likely I have a form of PTSD.
i recently took my children, now older teens, on holiday. I got far too drunk and overshared with them about the abuse I endured as a child and that it may explain why I am this way. They were so understanding and caring- I just know it’s not normal to have a parent who tells them every five minutes they love them etc and worries all the time about if I’ve upset them- I just have been so terrified all this time they’ll experience what I did that I’ve ended up giving them instability.
Ive been with my current partner two years- he is an incredibly stable man with a great job, home, family and long standing friendships. I seem to be spiralling out of control. I’ve just lost my job from taking time out with stress, theee was the drunken episode on holiday etc.
I don’t know if I should just walk away from all of them because I am such a mess of a human being. Even when I think I am being ‘normal’ it seems I’m not enough. I have no friends and i understand why- I am a drain.
my children and my partner are very loving and patient with me but I know there will be people on here who will tell me straight about how I’m having an impact.
should I just leave them all be? I think I am now far too broken to fix or be useful.