To feel bad she won’t have the tartan pinafore

[Ghilliel]

Hi all,
My 2nd DD will be starting primary 1 in a couple of weeks, we are in south west Scotland. One of DDs best friends from nursery is a little girl who’s mum is a refugee from Ukraine. They are a really lovely family and the little girl is as sweet as can be.
Today mum asked me over as she wanted me to check if she had all the right uniform bits, this is the first time she is dealing with uniform.

For the school uniform rules are kind of vague which leaves a lot of variation in what kids wear. However my older DD is going into primary 3 and I noticed in primary 1 every single girl in her class had at least one of the optional tartan pinafores and many of them also had the little wool blazers. Most just wore them once a week but in DDs primary 1 class picture all the girls except 1 are in the tartan and the one who isn’t does stand out a little.
Mum showed me what she’s got ands it’s perfectly in the rules jersey pinafores and trousers, polo shirts etc. but no tie, blouse and pinafore.

It’s made me a little sad as I know most of the girls will have these things and I don’t want this little girl to feel othered or different, especially not as she’s so quiet and has obviously already experienced a lot.

The pinafores are expensive and I understand they might not have the budget for it, I also get that her DD is super active so is probably more comfortable in the softer fabrics.

Anyway her DD is a little taller than mine so I’m tempted to go buy one, say I accidentally bought the wrong size a while ago and she’s free to have it if she wants it. I don’t have any of my older DDs as I’ve given them to my sister to use for her DD or I would do that.

She is a super proud lady doesn’t like taking hand outs etc. so I don’t think I could just give it as a gift.

DH thinks I’m being silly and wishes we all just got the simple uniforms as they look just as smart and kids are actually comfortable in them - I agree to an extent but also get that it’s a special year and they don’t wear them every day!

AIBU? Should I do something or just leave well enough alone?

I think you are being very nice but overthinking it. If she wants a tartan pinafore presumably they could get one later? I don't think 4/5 year olds will notice or care at that age.

She asked you if she’d got it all, so that was your chance to say what you’ve said in the OP. It’s fine to say ‘yes, everything you’ve got is fine. I know most of the girls will also have a tartan pinafore so you might want to get one of those, but it’s not mandatory’. Up to her if she can afford it or not, and there’s bound to be one if she asks on local facebook.

I did subtly say lots of the girls wear the tartan, she asked if it was mandatory, I reiterated no but lots of the girls wear them and she shrugged it off. I do sometimes wonder if this is one of those little things though that can make children who are immigrants or refugees feel othered though as it’s not an official rule but maybe a social expectation that you don’t really understand until you’ve experienced it?

I work in a school which has a lot of refugee children. If you can afford it, get her the pinafore.

You’re trying to be nice and they lovely, but you’ve made your point and now I’d leave it there. There will be so many other things that crop up besides the uniform, you want to stay on good terms.

If other girls wear their tartan once a week, that’s likely 80% of the class not in tartan at any given time. If you’re worried about school picture day, offer to lend her one for the photo and get yours back from your sister just for that.

My girls wouldn’t wear a tartan pinafore if you paid them. They wear boots and trousers. Occasionally skirts and boots. I offered them summer dresses in reception and they declined - every other girl wore them. They wore boys knee length shorts.

Maybe the little girl hates the dresses.

Maybe after September starts say to the mum you may have one in your attic, does she want it if you manage to find it? No pressure then.

Don't your school PA do second hand uniform sales?

They do, but I don’t think mum in this situation has bothered with them much, even though I’m sure she knows the exist, she seems a bit funny about taking anything second hand, maybe a pride thing?

Our primary is near a hotel that hosts a lot of refugee families. Our PTA put together a uniform pack and coat/shoes for every child joining, they either use donated stock or ask for appropriate donations specifically to cover the right sizes/sex. I love that we've been able to do this for all of the children who have joined us.

I've never bought my own DC any new uniform so wouldn't do so for someone else, but I would seek out second hand on FB marketplace etc and offer it to her.

If she's against secondhand then it's just a choice thing.

I can understand her sense of pride in standing on her own two feet, but maybe she is unaware that this is a service used by all parents, not a charitable thing for poor parents. It raises money for the school, so by buying uniform from the PA, she becomes a contributor, not a recipient.