To tell my friend she shouln’t pause TTC to please her sister

[Kittenmumma]

My BF has been TTC for almost a year. She is 37 and her husband 42. He was ready for years whether she has always been unsure but eventually decided to go for it.
She has now discovered that her sister cannot have DC and has decided to pause TTC for a while to avoid hurting her feelings. The thing is that she is almost 38 and her husband has been patiently waiting for her to be ready for almost a decade. I don’t think she has the luxury of time and whilst it is lovely that she doesn’t want to hurt her sister, I feel that ultimately this should be a couple decision that shouldn’t be influenced by external factors. I haven’t said anything to ber but am tempted to. AIBU to think this way and should I mind my own business?

2 things:

1. Could your friend be using her sister’s infertility as an “out”? Maybe she doesn’t want a DC deep down.

2. Your friend is 38 and has to make her own decisions. I agree with you but I don’t know if I would step over the line and discuss her ttc journey or tell my friend when she should or shouldn’t continue trying for a baby. You could maybe say something like “Your feelings and wants are still valid too and as long as you support your sister too” and then leave it as that. Offer a listening ear if she wants too but don’t start telling she’s running out of time. Most woman at 38 know that

This.

It would be overstepping to say anymore than this.

If her DH is 42 then I’m sure he isn’t thrilled that his wife wants to put hold on TTC. I would leave them to sort through things and be there if she needs you

@SugarMarshmallow we discuss ttc a lot so it isn’t a weird conversation to be had. She also asked for my opinion once but I didn’t want to sound too patronising and I said give yourself time and discuss with DH.
But yes re point 1 I also sometimes suspect she is hiding behind excuses as she was always a bit uncertain

YANBU however I wonder if in fact it’s because she doesn’t want children really and this is her get out clause. 10 years is a long time to decide if they are wanted or not

Maybe she’s using that as an excuse.

Ok that does change things, I’d say if she has come to you offering to hear your opinion then you can tell her you think at 38 she should continue her ttc journey if she wants too, and that I’m sure her sister wouldn’t want her to put her life on hold for her.

I would be morfitifed if my sister didn’t ttc because of my losses that I had.

I would then gently say that if she doesn’t want to have a baby and is still unsure then she should 100% tell her husband

She is future faking her husband! Trying to leave it too late and then blame mother nature instead of saying she never wanted children in the first place.

Her poor DH. If she asks you or raises it again I think you need to remind her that she does not have the luxury of time, obviously it's her choice if she doesn't want children deep down, but she might need someone to talk sense into her if she does want children. In my experience some women are in absolute denial about the biological clock. I had a friend who at 39 was still using phrases like 'maybe one day if we decide to start a family...'. It was a bit embarrassing for her, it made her look clueless and immature. Thankfully she finally made a decision with her Dh at 40 to not try and will openly say this now, and everyone respects this.

I think you owe it to her friend and her DH to be honest here.

I would say something, but gently. Though perhaps your friend is using this as an excuse to continue delaying motherhood. If she really wants a baby, that isn’t wise at her age.

I had a baby after my sister suffered from secondary infertility and it did affect our relationship a bit. But I have no regrets.

Stay out of it. She doesn't sound like she's that eager to have children. It's just shit she's not able to be entirely honest with her husband, who can decide if he wants to sacrifice the possibility of children for the relationship.

I just think you have to approach the situation gently. You don’t want to be the bad guy accusing her of messing her DH about. I am surprised he waited so long though. I know it’s a bit different for men but I think if children were a deal breaker for me I wouldn’t sit waiting for my partner to give me the go ahead until I was 41.

If she asks for your opinion just say you think she should still go for it, her sister wouldn’t want her to give up her dreams and wants too! But I’d also say are you sure you 100% want children, as if you do then you should keep going for it.

I do also believe the NHS guideance is to book a GP appointment if you are over 35 and have been trying for 6 months with no luck. Do you know if they’ve even pushed for this?

If that’s her truthful reason, it’s absolutely ridiculous.

And if not and she’s future-faking her DH, it’s an incredibly cruel thing to do. He needs to get gone immediately and find someone who genuinely wants a family with him.

I feel for her sister, and I feel for her. Trying to decide whether or not to have children is an absolute bloody minefield for some of us. I felt pulled apart by the decision for many years, so I understand the struggle.

Given her age, it really is decision time - there can't be any more waiting around. As others have said, keep the option that she doesn't want children in the table, but remind her that if she does want to try to get pregnant, she needs to own the decision and not delay for any reason. Good luck to you, and to her

Thanks all, I am surprised by these answers, was expecting to get a lot of hate for my post!
Re my friend, so her DH has always wanted DC but I think he also always said that he wouldn't end the marriage if she didn't. He was just always patiently waiting for her to at least make up her mind about it. I know he hasn't reacted well to this last news.
They have been trying for almost a year I think but even there it's been on and off as she paused it for a couple of months due to a big work trip she was meant to go to (in case she got pregnant and didn't want to travel to a "difficult" country if expecting a baby) and then again paused it for another month or so due to other reasons.
Her sister's infertility is linked to a serious health issue which makes things harder for her I guess.

I think it is best to say your bit and then let her and DH get on with things, offer your support if she needs it but don’t over think the situation and focus on your life x

I'd stay out of this Op for your own good. Your friend really isn't that interested in having DC, she's keeping her chances of getting pregnant to a minimum.

If she asks your opinion give it, otherwise don't

Fair enough. I will speak my mind next time she asks