To not want to hear about DM's shitty 'boyfriend'

[UnBledPerdu]

Some context upfront: DM is in her early 60s and has stage 4 cancer which is treatable but not curable. Oncologist has indicated that, with treatment, she could still be with us for many years.

DM has been in a 'relationship' (for want of a better word) with a man she used to go out with when she was a teenager before she married DF (who died during the pandemic).

I was initially (cautiously) happy for her, as I knew how lonely she had been since being widowed. I've never met this man but DSis has and said he was OK.

However, he then broke up with DM the day before her birthday. DM messaged me and all my siblings saying how upset she was and what an awful person he was to do this to her - we all sympathised, and tried to make sure she still had a nice birthday.

She then got back together with him, and this then became a cycle where every few weeks or so there'd be a distraught message saying it was 'definitely over this time' - only for them to be back together within a few days.

Her most recent visit here (for my baby's first birthday), she spent most of her time texting him and essentially ignoring us.

It's got to the point where I can tell that he must have broken up with her again because she'll actually get in touch with me, rather than waiting for me to contact her.

A few weeks ago, I was going through a particularly challenging spell with my mental health and she sent another one of her 'it's definitely over this time' messages and asked if we could have a call so we could talk about it as she was feeling so upset. I replied saying that I didn't feel comfortable talking about her boyfriend and was it something she could maybe speak to a friend about instead.

She replied asking 'is it about DF?' but said I didn't have to answer if I didn't want to (so I didn't).

She has since been saying (in vague terms) that she isn't coping and is very down.

AIBU to not want to talk about this?

I veer between feeling like I shouldn't have to be her unofficial therapist and feeling like she has had this awful diagnosis so I should just be doing everything I can to support her emotionally.

I think you need to talk about it. My concern would be he is playing her really hard in order to get her to prove herself to him and change her will or make provision for him. I think you need to push her in the direction of counselling or cancer specific counselling to ensure she has the emotional resilience to cope with this.

The man sounds manipulative and dangerous. I know it is frustrating when someone doesn't listen to advice. But you pulling back is likely to make her more dependent on him not less.

Not being unreasonable, in a similar situation with a family member. It's difficult. We can see that the relationship is toxic, but the family member is in their sixties and has their own agency. We steer away from the subject, while letting them know if they need support to end it we are here.

You have to look after yourself. Fair to tell DM that it's not about DF, it's about watching her on a weird merry go round of nonsense, that is clearly distressing for her and wanting better for her.

Oh yikes, I hadn't even considered that this might be what he was trying to do...

Fair to tell DM that it's not about DF, it's about watching her on a weird merry go round of nonsense, that is clearly distressing for her and wanting better for her.

This is exactly what it is - thank you @GoldDuster for articulating it so clearly.

I can see it must be hard, but just like with close friends, I think you just need to be there for her as much as you can. Sadly there will be plenty of women reading this who have experienced a relationship with a manipulator like this - how it can rob you of your self esteem and your judgement. The thing is these men are good at what they do, they know how to prey on vuknerabiiities. Often they have had a lifetime of practice.

Tell DM you don't think this man is a good man, but you love her and will support her whatever her choices. Don't let him isolate her from you, as that's probably exactly what the bastard wants.

You do, if course, need to take care of your own mental health too, and be careful not to offer more than you can give.

Do you think DM would consider counselling? It might really help.

Sending you both lots of love. I've been there. These men are like vampires......

Thank you @Ilovelurchers ❤️

DM actually had her first session with a private counsellor last week, so I'm really hoping that will help.

She's previously had some psychological support through the local Maggies centre but that was before she got involved with this man.

As others have suggested I think she has fallen under his spell, he's targeted her because she is vulnerable, love bombing her, breaking up with her to cause her more pain and then he is the one who soothes all her pain.
These are classic manipulation techniques, he's after her money, I'd say.

If this man gets wind of any rift between you and your mother he might start dripping poison into her ear in order to accelerate the rift.
His ultimate aim will be to have things such as that he is the only person she can trust and then he has complete control over her.

This And he'll be telling her to write you out of DMs Will as you obviously aren't supportive and loving as a daughter should be... and, oh, he'll be happy to help her with any alterations she needs to make to her Will...

It sounds like the guy isn't a great boyfriend by any stretch of the imagination. Your DM is stopping herself from meeting a truly wonderful man by shackling herself to this bloke.

This man knows that your mother has a serious health issue so she is fragile, all he needs to do is gain her trust isolate her from everyone else and then propose or even just move in. Once he's got his feet properly under the table he can start working on her to undermine her health. Keep her under constant subtle pressure until she's gone and all her worldly goods belong to him.

I think if it were about your DF then that would be fair enough as a reason not to want discuss it; it would make you feel conflicted and is a justifiable basis for directing her towards someone else more neutral.

But given it isn't about him, I think your attitude is tantamount to saying you don't care, don't have time for her struggles and worries, which I think is BU.

Exactly. I wouldn't be stepping back and abandoning her to this in her current health.

Were she younger and fitter, sometimes you have to let people make their own choices, but here she needs a degree of protection from further hurt.

Family can be a pain, but I'm not always in agreement with deciding you just can't be bothered. It's not as if she is trying to hurt or make life difficult for you directly, she's just wanting support with her own affairs.

Some further context (which I hadn't actually wanted to go into but it may be relevant to how I'm feeling about this):

• DF was controlling / abusive (to us and to DM). Their relationship was insane and pretty frequently involved one or the other of them driving off into the night saying there were going to kill themselves. I don't think DM would know how to have a stable / healthy relationship.

• DSis has confided in me that DM has been calling/texting her begging DSis to look at this man's social media whenever he blocks her (which seems to be fairly often). She has apparently also driven to his house in the middle of the night (he lives several hours away) to confront him because she thought he was with another woman.

• It distresses me that she appears to once again be prioritising a terrible relationship with a shitty man over her children (and grandchildren). I appreciate I'm now an adult but it reminds me of when she used to get drunk when I was a child and tell me all the awful things DF had done - and then the next day we'd all be playing happy families again.

Op this is a very difficult situation for you, your mother sounds unstable/dysfunctional personality/disordered etc.
She likely can't much help the way she is but that doesn't mean she isn't unpleasant to deal with.

There is no way I'd get involved in a childish unstable relationship, especially when it was my mother's relationship.
She needs to grow up.

Just to clarify: me not wanting to talk to DM about this one issue doesn't mean I'm cutting her off or going no contact.

I have been giving her a huge amount of practical and emotional support since she was diagnosed, including going to live with her for several months after she had surgery.

Could you take her out for a coffee (no kids, no distractions) and just tell her you find it hard seeing her so upset frequently. Reiterate you'll always be there for her but that the people in her life should be bringing calmness and support since her diagnosis, not drama.

As others have said you don't want him to cause a rift but I'd suggest some gentle honesty.

Thanks for your suggestion. The tricky thing with DM is that she has several sides to her, some of which are rational/reasonable and some of which really aren't. So there are times when we talk about stuff and she can discuss it really sensibly - but then the next day, that will have gone completely out of the window. It's very difficult.

I think that given the above, she is who she is and it doesn't sound particularly out of character, what she's now doing. There's a notion that we will grow up at some point and get clarity that we didn't have earlier in life, but it doesn't sound like this is the case unfortunately.

I think that you need to detatch, and let her do what she does, and look after yourself by maybe seeking some counselling yourself to work through all of this, it is a lot.

Thank you - I think you're right.

I used to be better at being detached and not getting caught up in the chaos and drama. But then DF died and less than a year later DM was diagnosed with cancer and needed major surgery - and I've fallen back into this role where I feel like I have to meet all her practical and emotional needs. A sort of crisis/emergency mode - but that crisis has now been ongoing for about 3 years, which is a long time to sustain pushing down my own feelings (and dealing with batsh*t stuff like her obsession with this awful man).