To think its impossible to be a single mum with a demanding job

[IvyCool]

My job is irregular hours and unpredictable (I'm not a spy!). I love my career and feel proud of it. I have primary school aged children.

The better I've done at work the more bitter and childlike my H has become. He is at home with the kids more than me but I organise everything, tidy at end of the day. He is babysitting. But he does pick ups.

I don't love him. We tolerate each other.

I just cant split as I dont understand how its possible logistics wise. Good chance H will be absent post split or at least unreliable. I like to think I could do it all but how??

Is it crazy just to stay with someone to make logistics work? After school clubs finishes at 5.30. That means I need to finish work at 4.30 on the dot. That seems v hard

How do ppl do it?

You change your role or job to one which is predictable and fits with standard childcare hours or look at nanny / au pair options. I teach and had mine alone from 3/5 years old. You need rock solid childcare and ideally some family back up and an employer who may not be thrilled but won't sack you for occasionally winging it. Only you know if it's worth sticking it out another ,7 years or so til secondary age when childcare is less of an issue.

Yes you can and I’m in the same situation with similar age kids and have been doing this for the last 8 years, have them pretty much 100% of the time. You have to pay for childcare though and cleaner etc and I’m lucky that my job pays me enough to do this. So get set up with reliable babysitter/nanny who can do drop off/pick up when you need it, cover extra curricular activities in the week etc. I’d say if you’re going to try and do it using just before and after school club and no help at home (cleaner etc) then it’ll be really difficult. Also don’t count on unreliable childcare (ex etc), the stress it causes is just not worth it and will really impact your mental health.

Lots of family help, lots of paid help, a very supportive workplace, or a combination of all three, I'd imagine. It certainly wouldn't be possible for everyone.

I'd like to say I wouldn't stay for the convenience, but I think it'd depend what home life was like for me/my children and whether there was a time frame on having e.g. more predictable hours/a career move that made it easier.

You need rock solid childcare and money to pay for it
Friend is dr and had baby during training. She used daycare all the way through primary and then paid 3 daycare workers on rotation to cover her nights.
Her parents stepped in if child was ill

Afterschool clubs near me finish at 6 and some wrap around carers will do 6 (they do pick ups and drop offs).

Pay for a nanny.

Ideally work flexibility and money but you can do it with just money.

The issue are the hours you're working. I use a childminder, who works 7am to 6pm and that works well with the hours I do out of the home (though I can also WFH and make up any extra hours in my own time). I don't have family help and my ex is pretty useless, so I do everything myself.

I did have to lower my standards on what is possible in my home. I cannot afford a cleaner and I have two children (well, a teen and a child), so my house is, on occasion, an absolute bombsite. But it works for us.

I have a demanding job and have been a single parent for years. It’s definitely possible with a good amount of planning and organisation. And far better than staying in an unhappy relationship. I have a very flexible role now as I’ve been there for so long, and the DC’s are older but out of school clubs and a childminder meant I’ve always been able to work and progress my career at the same time.
You have to let go of some things though, the house is clean but not a show home. I had a cleaner for a while to help. Meal plan for the week, make sure you plan ahead for kids social calendar and accept all help!
Youre likely doing most of this yourself now. It’ll be better without the stress of a crappy man bringing you down. The peace you feel when it’s just you and your DC’s is priceless.

Lone parent for 15 years in a demanding job. Believe me it’s better than putting up with a shit partner. You learn to juggle, pay for childcare, not give a shit about the small stuff etc

I do know a couple of single mums who have very demanding hours & shifts, they're NHS or police. Im not sure how they started, but they have buddied up with other single parent colleagues and do childcare swaps, almost like they are co parenting. It's pretty extreme (to me) because it means a lot of looking after someone else's children. Thinking about it they are from cultures where it's more common to share childcare outside of immediate family, so perhaps feels less onerous to them!

Majority of people switch to less interesting and lower paid jobs though I think.

It absolutely isn't impossible: I have a very demanding job (think working often from 7am to past 6pm and then evenings from home) and was a single mother for ten years.

You do need absolutely bulletproof childcare though. I had an incredible childminder who dropped off at my house past 6pm. I couldn't have done it without her. You may have to look quite hard for them but they are out there.

It isn't a life I'd have chosen but I'm actually really grateful for it now. It allowed me to work for myself and my daughter without worrying about anyone else's needs and I've advanced far further in my career than I would have done if I'd gone part time.

And this. This is the clincher really.

I can pretty much guarantee however hard and expensive it is it will beat having a shit partner/husband.

Thanks everyone. I dont love him. He's rude, stroppy and difficult. And sexist. He dislikes women. And its so exhausting pretending all the time. I dont know how I'd improve my hours. And im paid well but not enough for a nanny. But enough for some help. I just think he will be worse then no help. He'll be disruptive and destructive

It's not impossible but you need to earn enough to pay for a nanny or you need good family support.

I did nursing as a single mum all hours. I found a lovely childminder and we're still in touch years later but it was gruelling.
It was different then, you could find childcare for that kind of job. I don't think you can any more unless you work flexible hours.

You need an au pair.

You change role.

My ds' dad refused to do any childcare at all and became very controlling.

We left and I changed role to an employer only 4 miles from the primary. The school offered afterschool club until 6, and I managed to get through primary school by working close by (I was managed out of one role for being unable to travel).

Then I moved DS to a private school with a boarding house. As a single mum this was a huge stretch but DS got a scholarship and was determined to go.

It proved to be a godsend. Suddenly I could travel anywhere I wanted if I needed to. I could check ds into the boarding house for a night or two. If I was stuck behind a faulty signal or a closed motorway, I could call the school who would give him his tea and I could pick him up when I got there. Horribly expensive but suddenly I had all the support I could wish for, without moaning, anger or having to plead. The reduction in stress was huge.

Not practical for three dcs though. I think you need an au pair, or a nanny if you don't have house room.

Thanks for the advice. I do work flexibly and have quite a lot of ownership over my own hours. But then things spring up...need to be somewhere in the UK by 9am and I need to leave at 6am. I guess I just have to refuse. Or train up colleagues to do more of what I do.

I earn well but not super well. And im worried my H is going to end up getting financial support from me. I csnt afford nanny. Do people have au pairs still? We have a big spare room. Is that ethical do you think?

My H hates me. Clearer every day. It is so evident in almost every interaction.

My oldest (7) tells me he loves H more than me. That freaks me out too. I really struggle to work out how to escape H without wrecking everything else. But honesty it is exhausting living with someone with hates you.

Yes people have au pairs, I had a live in for 10 years! Pull the trigger OP apart from your own sanity I can guarantee you there is bad relationship dynamics being taught to your DC. There are so many ways around the things that I guess are stopping you leaving.

It's perfectly possible. Many women do it
It's all about time management.

It really is possible, my ex is a single mum and has really grown her career in a demanding industry, she’s quite a high flyer now. I think her key is being super organised and getting childcare plans in place etc.

Nanny, paid childcare etc. when I went back to work I dropped my child at daycare then picked him up after. If your schedule is so irregular to allow this and no relative that can do it til your available then you need a nanny.

Yes I think it would be crazy to stay with this mean man for logistics! Don't compromise your life OP. Good luck xx

OP what I will add is my career soared actually. I no longer had the emotional burden of dealing with an asshole in my life the whole time. I could literally focus on my DC and career. Life actually became simpler emotionally. You just have to be organised, not sweat the small stuff and have really good boundaries at work.