When is enough enough regarding contact

[Justpeachy88]

Hi, I separated from my childrens father 8 years ago, we’ve never had a formal arrangement in place for contact, he used to turn up as and when he felt like it on the doorstep despite me trying to get something in place. Hasn’t paid towards their upbringing either so I went to CMS years ago, nothing changed, he’s still never paid a penny towards them apart from a few £26 a month payments 3 years ago which were enforced which then stopped, honestly have no idea how he’s evading it.

Anyway, a few years ago I moved away with the children. I’ve facilitated all the contact, as in done all the driving there and back using my money and miles for petrol. This hasn’t been regular as he doesn’t want alternate weekends, just school holidays, even then he lets them down on this at times, sometimes on the same day he’ll tell me to leave bringing them when they’re all ready to go. They have none of their own things there so I need to pack a suitcase of clothes which doesn’t always come back with what was sent.

I asked could we split the summer hols so I can
work it around my full time work, I’ve managed to book 3 weeks off so the kids have me about in the 6 weeks. He once again said no, he’ll just do the last week, absolutely no concern for what they’ll be doing the other weeks while I have to work! Turns out the week he wants them is for a family wedding so he can take them along to that, more for his benefit by the sound of it.

I’ve asked him to reconsider having them for a week before this in August but I’ve been blanked. Several messages all ignored. This happens every time, then on the morning they’re due to go I’ll get a text ‘what time will they be here’.

Any other conversation asking to give a little like can he pick up, maybe buy a bit of school uniform or pay his maintenance is completely ignored. I really don’t want the kids to not see their dad but honestly at the end of my tether being controlled in a way? Would it make me just as bad to ignore the incoming what time am I dropping them off text like he ignores me? But I worry that I’ll be accused of stopping him from seeing them, or is this fair enough until he gets his act together and starts being respectful with arrangements?

How old are the children?
Have you kept all the messages you have sent him that he has ignored?

You could start pushing back with.

"I cannot bring them down when are you collecting them?"

Its not like you are refusing access then. He is refusing access. He is not doing the fair share of child care and only seeing them if and when he wants.

They're 12 and 14. Yes I keep everything message wise.

Yes that’s an idea, I genuinely can’t actually afford the petrol anyway as it’s a few days before my pay day. I know they’ll end up missing the wedding though and my daughter will be upset with me as she wants to go. From what he’s said to her, they’re expecting me to do the drop off early on the morning of the wedding. Like I say, none of this has gone through me, it’s just expected.

Its difficult for you if he is arranging through them too.

Cause then he can easily put the blame on you.
If they start telling you the plans maybe start with. "When is your dad collecting you etc"

Or you can bring them down once and say. Your dad will have to druve you next time i cant afford it etc.

As that is the truth. They surely see you do most of the work. They are getting to the age where they understand these sorts of things

You really need to start saying no. Its really unhealthy for your children to see him dictate terms and you blindly agree.
Can you say something like: Can you message dad and ask him when he is collecting you? Saturday morning doesn't work because I'm at work/busy and he'll need to get you a new outfit to attend the wedding anyway so maybe he can come Wednesday or Thursday and that gives him plenty of time to take you shopping for outfits and a wedding gift. If it helps him out I can collect you Monday or Tuesday evening as I'll have been paid by then and can get petrol.

Thank you. Yes I do need to be more assertive with this, I say this every so often, but because I get the fallout and the upset of it all I cave. For example I told them they couldn’t take their own clothes once because there should be stuff at their dads for them and I don’t like the things I’ve bought going missing… they get upset because it would probably mean them wearing the same clothes and underwear all week, so completely understand from the kids point of view and now, I still let them take a suitcase of their own clothes because of that. Same with everything else, feel like I’m being walked over. And I know it’s my fault because I let it happen.

Yes, I’ll start with asking when he’s collecting them, at least it gives him time to get his head around or argue that I can’t drop them off.