Unsupportive DH and NHS work

[Mumrant123]

I’m returning from mat leave soon (3rd time) and have been negotiating with work my hours and dates etc after 1 year off.
I work a really clinically demanding job (high level acute and severely chronically ill patients too). I am using up some accrued AL and then transitioning back on part time hours (using AL from my previous full time contract) until I am officially part time in a few months with some clinical backfill.

Long story short is when I am due back to work there is a big rotation change in staff (done annually) and I lead the training in my rotation, it’s a very niche area and it will be a brand new person who will need training into the role (in the subspeciality ther is just me a higher band and then a junior band). When we are all up to speed we are totally understaffed but we just get on with it and work really really hard. I have been told there may be no cross over with my clinical backfill from maternity leave plus a gap from a new backfill (in a few months when my new reduced hours contract starts), no one from somewhere else can be pulled to help
as they are shortstaffed too. On top of all this I will be going back to a back log of outpatients over due and straight into seeing excessive amount of acute patients day 1 (happened last time). I have explained to my line manager I need a breather to start with, I need to catch up with colleagues getting handovers to see what has been going on before I can jump into clinical work.
Isn’t this normal for any one who has been off for so long rather than be expected to start 9am on the dot, no handover?. I think it was taken on a little but financially probably not possible.

So I had this chat with my DH, explained my worries and when planning return dates we agreed going back one week after the rotations might be better as it highlights the need for work to help transition.

However since that chat with my DH I made an error and recalculated my AL and it won’t stretch this far so I need to go back the original week (into the shit show). I had to make this decision while he was at work (he was uncontactable all day due to his job). When we did chat tonight he has said I have made the decision and if it’s stressful (which it will be) then it’s my issue and he wants to hear nothing about it and I am going against what we agreed (I wasted his time discussing it). In the end, he says it’s my problem not his.

I just feel I have no support, work aren’t being supportive regarding my valid worries about the excessive understaffing issue and I now have a DH who is unsupportive.

I feel I could cry and I have no one to help me with this. I’m so stressed thinking about what I have to return to work, on top of doing drops off and pick ups all on my own (as he will probably be away with work).

WYWD?

I will add, I am absolutely not work shy, if any thing I’m a workaholic. What I am asking for support to get me started and I feel will have none. I know I could work through the stresses of work if I had the support to back me.

AIBU?

I get it but am at a loss as to what you expect your DH to do? Or, why he was involved in ‘agreements’ to start with? Were you asking him to take leave when you went back and settled in, but now the agreed period for his leave is no longer required as you are returning earlier?

What a dick
you turned to him for support. You found a solution together. That solution is no longer viable and he’s basically blaming g you for something you have no control over and will make your life harder. So you still have to go back but with out his support and no outlet to turn to.

I am not entirely sure what you wanted from DH. He has heard your thoughts on this, supported you when you wanted to go back a week later. Now you say you can't do that and he doesn't want to know. I am guessing he has heard a lot about this and is bored of the conversation, especially if there is nothing he can do about it. I can see that is frustrating as you want to vent about it but I can also see the other side of him thinking what do you want me to do about it. Or were you hoping he would say it's fine not to go back, which again unless you have a large amount saved for this and he earns enough to cover everything this is sadly unrealistic for many people.

Proactively can you look for another job in another NHS trust? Is there a demand for your role in the private sector?

There’s not really anything he could have done, is there? My guess is there’s been a lot of conversation around this, and he knows how it’s going to go on the week, but is saying, it’s done, the only thing now to do is get on with it.

It sounds like a massively stressful role, no matter how you slice it. I’d be looking for something else, once I was back.

You can only do what you can, good luck.

Look at the NHS return to work rules. It sounds like you are not a doctor in which case they couldn't do it to you because of the maternity rtw rules. What you could do is ask for emergency unpaid parental leave to avoid this transition week and bump all your maternity along a bit.
Have you made sure you used your kit days? Would it help to use them and you'd feel more clinically ready for the shits how? Also have a look at the courses available on Max course and see if any of the return to clinical work courses by the anesthetic college and acute medical care colleges (can't remember actual names) would apply to you. Most are free online or free to members and you can blag a log in from someone you know.
Also look at you are not a frog podcast and the hee NHS England rtw pages - aimed junior doctors but much will be applicable.
Signpost managers to why their plan is not acceptable - find one of the papers about baba gawa.

Also you are amazing.

What do I expect from my DH? Well only some support through a really difficult time, nothing else.

Thank you, I’ll have a look.