To move 1-2 hours away from my home town/family

[rainbowcloudele]

Long story short, we literally hate where we live. I've lived here since I was born and it's just got progressively shitter as the years have gone on. Not rough as such but nothing to do for kids so teenagers always hanging around causing trouble in parks etc... public spaces aren't looked after and it just has nothing to offer. My husband has been offered a job relocation about 1hr 15mins away, although in traffic this can be closer to 1h45. Straight away I thought this was perfect, hopped on right move had a look to gauge the house prices etc and pretty much made up my mind.

Then it obviously hit me, the only problem- my family are here. Who I am close with. My siblings, my parents, nieces and nephews. I don't want to rip my children away from their family as we are all very close. But I just know they will thank me so much for it when they're older.. or will they?

I don't know. AIBU? to take away my village to live in a nicer place? Should I just learn to love where I am? What would YOU do? I want opinions please!

How much do you rely on your village of family? If you don’t need them for childcare etc then I think it’s fine to move to be happy. You can still see them fairly regularly ! I’d rather live somewhere nicer.

Most places have issues, so as long as you don't expect perfection with no local problems, the distance really isn't that far.

Better to move if you can get your family into a better situation long term.

I live that distance from my family and further from DHs and its fine

That distance is not very far at all. You’re probably right that your kids will thank you for it when older.

I grew up somewhere where nothing was going on and poor public transport, and I left once 18. I did have close family which I appreciate, but young people need to find their feet on their own in any case. Family is really important but as they get to be teens and older, their friends become so much more important in their lives.

As long as you make the effort to regularly see your family, feels like a no-brainer. Not everyone is happy staying where they grew up. That’s perfectly fine.

How old are your kids?are you needing family for childcare? You don't need to move right by the new work- is there anywhere half way that is nice too?

Thanks everyone! We don't rely on our village for childcare, everyone works full time so the odd sleepover here and there is all we can offer each other. Which I'm fine with just that we won't be missing out on anything there. We do however see each other quite often.

I know everywhere has issues I think I've just outgrown where I live and in recent years it has got quite grim.
Plus,
With the relocation comes a pretty decent pay rise. Meaning a nicer house, in a nicer area, surrounded by better schools (have done some research already).

Ideally I'd like to think we could make the journey home once a week but in reality it's going to be at least fortnightly...

I'm torn but I'm swaying towards moving. I think family and friends will be upset (as will we initially!) but I'm hoping they'd understand

That’s a really good suggestion from @Childanddogmama.

Family support and closeness is great if your family is completely unproblematic. On the other hand, friends and social networks we actively choose can be supportive in a different way: you have something outside the trickier aspects of family life which are inevitable in every family.

There often feels like there is some sort of shame from moving away from home, like you’re signalling it’s not good enough for you or something. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to give your kids more varied social and economic opportunities.

How do your kids feel? Are they old enough to have an informed opinion or so young as to just want what’s familiar to them?

Fortnightly is pretty good.

I suppose the only thing to be aware of is that once your children become mid to later teens, fortnightly weekend trips will be too much for them because they will have stuff on - socialising, work, study. But that’s probably ok because it’s not only your job to make inward visits - your family can come to you, too, unless there are serious blocks like incapacity, shift work etc.

Fortnightly is loads! I like my family (well, love them!) but live about 4 hours away and see them every few months. It's enough and makes it more special when we do see them. Your folks shouldn't freak out over you moving less than 2 hours away, especially as it gives you so much more in terms of opportunities. Your kids will adjust and be better for the broader horizons. You sound like you want to go so don't be staying in the (increasingly shit) comfort zone out of fear. Spread your wings and see that what lasts after you've moved is what really matters.

If it's only 1 - 2 hours that's not far, and you can easily meet up for lunch or whatever. I've never lived closer than about 70 miles to extended family, so I can't understand how it could be an issue. You see them a few times a year, you get on with your own life, all good.

Do it, OP, or you will look back at it with regret if you don't! You can always go back to where you grew up (even with the ambivalent feelings!) if necessary. If you currently rely on family for childcare, can you afford it in the new area? Are house prices reasonable enough for you to manage as a family?

I grew up in the village where my family has lived since the Dawn of Time. I like most of my family members, but the claustrophobia was real for me! That, and I knew that the nearest town would spread and our village would quickly go downhill. I now live two hours away, in a very nice place, and have no regrets about moving. Sometimes I still visit family, and they visit me... but I get to live in (my opinion) the nicer place!

In short, I don't think that you can learn to love where you are. Once you see the cracks, you can paper over them, but they will always be there. Thus, get out and see the world (even if it is only 1hr 15 minutes away!).

We moved about 3 hours away from my family so our disabled child could go to a specialist school. I won't lie to you, it was hard at first - DH was away for work in the week and I was in a new town with small children and a new baby, not knowing a soul! But gradually I got to know people, made friends and got involved in various community activities. Family visited regularly and stayed with us, kids went to stay with Grandparents in the holidays, we still spent Christmas and birthdays etc together. 25 years on, this feels much more like home than my home town.

I'd say go for it, expand your horizons and make the move!

I've had commutes to work five days oer week that were longer than 1hr15 one way. It takes me over an hour to get from one side of London to the other on public transport and I do that regularly to see friends. Honestly, if you both drive & just check the route before setting off to avoid traffic jams, I can't see the issue at all.

But then I grew up in a country where longish drives to see people for a visit are just consider normal. I think that because the UK is so much smaller and more densely populated and as people often stay close to family, so are less used to it having distances to travel.

Seeing family a bit less often can be quite freeing if you currently live in each pockets a lot. Why would people who care about you be annoyed you are doing something that's best for your family?

I think it’s strange that this is even a question, to be honest, OP — why would you just say in the place you happened to grow up in? The world’s a big place.

We did this, about 8 years ago. I highly recommend it. Day to day life for our children is so, so much better than it would have been where we moved from and our family are close enough to drive to.

Will you be able to get a house big enough for people to stay over comfortably?

I made the move over a decade ago and am now just over 4 hours from my family. Having enough space to host them was a priority when I was buying a house. I now probably see them 3-4 times a year but when I do it is all quality time.