AIBU to think DH is selfish for putting off a 30-second favour

[TheBerry]

Yesterday, DH took a cute video of our DD. I asked if he could WhatsApp it to me and he said yes but not that second. Fine, whatever.

He also received a new piece of equipment yesterday which he uses for his hobby and potential side hussle, and also sometimes for his main job. He’s been spending time yesterday and today setting it up. There are no imminent deadlines that he needs it for - he’s just keen to get it working properly, which is fine and makes sense.

Today I asked him again twice if he could forward me the video. He said “not right now” again both times. I asked why not, since it would literally take 30 seconds. Click the video in gallery, click share, click on me in WhatsApp.

He said, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve got a new [equipment].” I don’t even know what that means??? Like ok he’s spending time setting up this equipment but it’s not like he can’t take a few seconds to do anything else. He’s managed to take time out to play with DD, watch an hour of Netflix last night, etc. I’m literally asking for a 30 second favour.

It just stings because the other way around I would absolutely do what he was asking straight away. I would and I have! When he asks for my help with something my default is “yes, sure!” and I’ll take a few minutes to help him. Obviously it’s different if it’s a task that will take hours or something like that, but I’m just asking him to make like three clicks on his phone.

It’s not even about the video, it’s just so weird to me that he can’t make the effort to do this one tiny thing. I just don’t get it. But maybe I’ve missed something and IABU???

Presumably it's so she can send it to someone else. He's not stressed and overwhelmed, he's doing his hobby and watching Netflix. And this is barely even a task. It's seconds.

Chimp is a great excuse it seems, but we must all take responsibility for our decisions.

If my phone was not with me, and I was in the middle of doing something, i would not think it reasonable to expect me to stop what I was doing to get the phone for something as trivial as short video you had already seen. So I would probably also put it off until later. And perhaps forget.

If it’s important, either go and get his phone and get him to send it, or get his permission to send it to yourself from his phone.

Sending a video does not require focus!

It would involve breaking focus though which is hard to do when hyper focused. But I think that excuse is only valid once not multiple times.

but anyway I’m adhd and would care enough about my partner to do this. He’s not forgetting he’s refusing.

tell him you feel so low down his list of priorities it’s hurt you over this. See how he reacts. If he turns it back on you this is mine games

Was he in the middle of something each time you asked?

I tend to agree he should do it when you asked if it's convenient, but it's a video of your kid. It's going to be cute tomorrow or next week, there's no urgency over it. So if he's in the middle of doing something I think it was a bit rude to ask and pretty annoying for you to be asking then instead of when it's clearly more convenient for him. It may only take 30 seconds to go off, get a phone and press some buttons, but it can often take a lot longer to get back into the swing of a new piece of equipment/movie/game once you've broken your concentration.

I insist my kids ask me for things when it's convenient and not when I'm in the middle of stuff (my DH doesn't disturb me for his convenience). But we have plenty of time when we're sitting around as a family almost everyday when these sorts of requests would be very standard and I would expect all of us to respond straight away - including getting up to get a phone. If he's constantly busy with something else and there's never a good time to ask him, I think you're much more reasonable to be annoyed, though.

Christ what an arsehole.

I find I’m saying this to my friends, to my family and now on Mumsnet more and more lately.

And it’s always in response to their husbands and partners being arseholes.

That’s a big leap

I’d throw a hissy fit for as long as it takes! 😂

When i want someone to do something for me ot is when they are ready too and I won't drop to do something for others unless an emergency or a child and it needs immediate action

And not the is no mind games going on that others like to male up when ot comes to men do people honestly come up with dramatic backstories when men do something they dont agree with in real life or just on here?

How is it a big leap?
As OP says: it would take him less than a minute to so. She has asked multiple times. Any reasonable person would have sent her the video unless they deliberately didn't want to.

I don't understand. Is it a control thing? Like demand avoidance?

I have autism and adhd and I actually will do it the minute a person asks, otherwise there is no chance of me even remembering the conversation happened 😵‍💫 it’s a small but useful tool I’ve managed to get by with 😊

I absolutely came to this conclusion about ex-DH. I left him.

Honestly it just sounds like he's a man. Women are simply taught differently...

Dear ladies, as an old lady married for 53 years I have seen and heard tons and tons of these excuses from my DH. He never does anything the instant that he is asked/reminded/reminded again. Never has. Is always late for appointments/meetings with anyone and everyone. He definitely has ADHD though we'd never heard of that 53 years ago, and of course he refuses to even consider that he might have it. According to him ADHD is a modern fad and it simply isn't reasonable to expect anyone to "jump to it every time I am asked to do something", and of course he then forgets. He will need at least six reminders and (so it seems to me) simply hopes that I will just give up. Which I often do cos something else crops up that I need him to do. And on it goes.

It might seem like something and nothing to some of you but believe me it is incredibly frustrating for me and makes me feel totally unimportant to him.

I think it needs a conversation between you or it will only get worse.

Nope

I can easily have an email or text to send and think "I'll do it later. Just finish this"

And then forget

What an arsehole. And it's less than 30 seconds.