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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Everythime she talks about him

3 replies

Chickencuddle · 05/08/2025 18:22

My cousin recently got in contact with me. I have been estranged from my family for 20 or so years due to abuse and going into care and alot of stuff.
I love having the contact with her. But she has brought up my dad quite a few times.
Mostly to tell me crazy stuff he has done or is doing.
Each time she does I feel so awful for not just days but weeks after.
I will be ok at first but then it's like a lid has been opened and all these memories come back. Can be when I'm in Asda I'll be reliving something or driving and the kids are talking and I don't hear because this memory has decided to replay and I feel like I'm back there.
I feel the fear and the disgust or the anger or the sadness and it's so hard.
I am glad she's telling me. She's being honest and I think it's good to keep the option there because I may feel ready to talk about it at some point and maybe this is helping me come to terms with it all and actually deal with it because I've pushed it down for so long.
I don't want her to stop telling me. But at the same time it's so so hard after and I have noone to talk to.
Is this normal. Or am I crazy.

OP posts:
Chickencuddle · 05/08/2025 18:36

She messaged me today and I feel physically sick atm. Nyst thinking of things. Sad. Feel alone.
Feel like I'm damaged and will never be right.
I know I'll have nightmares at some point too now. Happens every time.

OP posts:
Handmethegunandaskmeagain · 05/08/2025 18:47

Respectfully OP, I think you need to either lay a clear boundary where she never talks about him, or you go no contact with her. This sounds like PTSD and it will seriously damage you.

MiraculousLadybug · 05/08/2025 18:53

Wanting to know what's going on with him sounds like a form of hypervigilance.

Really you're better off adopting a "he's dead to me" mindset and asking her to stop telling you. If she genuinely wants to know you as a person and cares about you, she'll respect that. Don't go along with being constantly triggered and retraumatised just because you want her good opinion or for her to stay in contact.

Where was she for all those years anyway? Why has she decided to get in contact now? Think about this with your head not your heart, does she just want to be able to bitch about your dad to you or is there a deeper relationship there with her?

Have you considered EMDR for the flashbacks? It can be very effective.

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