to think it’s unfair how grandmothers and MILs are expected to do loads of childcare but grandfathers and FILs never are

[Youthank1]

Why is it always assumed that grandmothers/MILs will help with childcare, whether it is school runs, babysitting, or full days looking after toddlers, while grandfathers are basically off the hook? No one expects grandad to drop everything to help out or be available at short notice. He is retired, has his hobbies, or is too tired. Meanwhile, granny’s time is apparently just there for the taking.

It feels like the unpaid labour of childcare is simply being passed on to the older generation of women, while the men are still largely left out of it. Let's be honest, a lot of FILs are not expected to be hands-on grandparents and no one bats an eyelid. But grandmothers get guilt-tripped if they are not always available.

Obviously I am sure there are lots of FILs and grandfathers who do their fair share and more. This is more about the general expectation and double standard.

Yanbu with your view.
Increasingly women are telling their children that only emergency care will be considered.
After 40 years of working, many do not want to be free childcare from 8am-6pm and feel tied down.
A perfectly reasonable position to take.
I very very rarely hear of grandads being involved or have any expectations placed on them.

Well i don't think every parent expects do they ? Perhaps Grandmother offer and grandfathers slot in, i know a few men who look after their grandkids do the school run etc, saying that women shouldn't feel obligated to look after their grandchildren if they don't want to.

YANBU in general, although I have to say that my dad was very hands on with childcare and just as involved as my mum (my parents used to pick up my DC from school once a week and look after them until I got home from work - they don't need to any more now my kids are teens). I agree with you that's probably unusual though.

I used to do one day a week with Gdd1 (60 miles away so we had to stay the night before) and dh almost always came to help.

Later on he positively enjoyed picking either toddler up from nursery. And still remembers very fondly 2 year old Gds - as he was carrying him out - saying excitedly to sundry staff on the way, ‘That’s my Grandpa!’ ❤️

It depends on individual families what's expected, and in my experience if there is any expectation that grandparents are involved if will generally be both grandmother's and grandfather's, if both are still around.
Both my parents helped when my son was little but it wasn't expected, and we live quite close so it wasn't difficult. They did it together, but in practice my dad probably did more. Having been working lots when we were little he loved the chance to get to be more involved at the pre school stage. He's continued to be the one who will often do an evening babysit or pick up from school in emergencies. A lot of his friends have been similar in their enthusiasm for looking after their grandkids, for similar reasons.

I do actually think this is true.

I do childcare for my grandchildren. My husband is usually also around so helps out, comes with us if we go out etc. But, if for some reason, he is busy, there is no discussion about whether I am ok to have the children on my own for the day. On the other hand, if I have an appointment, there are long discussions about it. My children are all fine about my OH looking after their children alone if necessary but it certainly isn't taken for granted in the same way as it is if it's just me!

I don't know, OP. I think it's like a lot of things where that might he the narrative but not necessarily people's experience.

In my own family, my dad was the one who was most involved with my son. Took him on holiday, had him stay for the weekend, days out, babysitting. My mum did nothing. She didn't want to and, tbh, wasn't safe enough to trust. It was my dad he stayed with when my daughter was born prematurely at a moment's notice. We didn't even consider asking my mum.

It was my then partner's dad who took me to and picked me up from hospital every day for a fortnight because my daughter was in SCBU, I couldn't drive following an EMCS and my partner was at work.

We already know that my partner will be the default grandparent to his grandchildren when they arrive because his ex wife and her partner drink a lot and have a very volatile relationship. He can't wait for grandchildren!

Whereas I will also he the default grandparent for my grandchildren because my exh has become very self centred as he ages and won't do anything for anyone unless it directly benefits him.

MN is full of accounts of inlaws who don't do any childcare for their grandchildren, or only selectively for grandDC they like best. And people proudly defending that choice for selves and even respecting it as much as they might complain about it in other threads.

I therefore couldn't get past the first sentence "always assumed"

I was just commenting to my dp that there seems to be a lot more grandpa's at the playpark with kids these days.
Nice to see

In my experience this is the expectation in families where the expectation is/was that the mother did all the parenting. In families where parenting is equal, so is grandparenting - but they are the minority. Realistically, men who didn't look after their own children aren't going to start looking after grandchildren. So the actual question is surely why women are expected to do loads of childcare in general - grandchildren is just one small offshoot of that.

Even when grandfathers help, it is still mostly the grandmother:

https://www.demographic-research.org/articles/volume/43/53

Overall, grandmothers were more likely to report caring and helping activities (e.g., cooking, caring when sick, helping with homework, and collecting them from school) than grandfathers, even when they coresided.

Grandfathers playing a more backseat role. The grandmothers tend to have the 'mental load'.

I know several grandfathers offering childcare. (And a great grandfather!).

But I agree its more unusual and less expected.

And the single / unmarried daughters and aunts!

Not in my experience. It was the men doing that for my children

I think MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned makes a good point. Familial patterns of behaviour will just continue.

However, a lot of it is down to women and what women expect too.

There are very many threads on here where women complain that their husbands do nothing in terms of childcare, child rearing and domestic chores. I'm always shouted down when I say women don't need to marry those men and told that women aren't responsible for men's behaviour. No, were not and I've never said we are. But we are responsible for what we choose and what we accept.

And I simply don't beleive that every man who turns out to be useless has shown no sign of this beforehand. I've certainly dated men in the past who I've known wouldn't pull their weight. If your man treats you 'like a princess' is 'chivalrous' or shows other rigid gender ideas eg doesn't like it when women drink beer, the chances are those men will have rigid gendered ideas in other areas too.

There are hundreds of threads on MN started by women complaining that their father in law kissed their baby or who don't trust their husband to look after the baby while they go out for the evening. So maybe that's why they're less involved?

Or frequent posts from mums and mother in laws who don't want to give up work or reduce their hours to look after their grandchildren every day. Some will say, "Don't don't if you don't want to!" And other posters reply, "If you don't do this, don't be surprised if you're never allowed to see your grandchild," or, "My grandma did this and I loved my days with her! "You should want to look after your grandchildren!" So maybe that's why women accept the responsibility?

Maybe men are just better at saying no than a lot of women are.