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Best friend won’t leave her unhappy / toxic relationship - how do I protect myself too!

3 replies

Mrssmith003 · 05/08/2025 09:53

Best friend of over 25 years, been friends since Year 1 in primary school! She was my maid of honour, our friendship has ebbed and flowed over the years but we’ve always been close. We are both supportive and have both been through rough times (as most people have) and we’ve always helped each other out!

She doesn’t have the best track record with partners, I always joke to her she likes a bit of a bad boy. However, she met someone about 3/4 years ago. They are engaged and have a small child. He has 2 kids of his own from a previous marriage.

I don’t think she’s ever been fully happy with him, to be honest. Their relationship is toxic in my opinion. Constant rows, constant break ups. The issue is for the last 2 or so years now our conversations are solely about her issues with her fiancé. She calls me a couple of times a week to moan. I give her the same advice every time, they are back together the next day.

He has a history of spying through her phone and I feel a bit uncomfortable about him possibly seeing our text messages when she rants to me. He’s been known to cause a fight and they live about 3 roads from me so I worry he will be annoyed that I’m involved during their arguments. I’ve got 2 small children myself and sometimes the regular texts and calls do get on me a bit.

This is the first time she’s been in a toxic relationship, and I know some woman struggle to leave. I don’t want to point blank say I won’t support her, but I also feel like I’m not putting myself first either. Has anyone been in this position?

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 05/08/2025 18:03

Yes, currently in a very similar situation but without the constant breakups (he would have too much to lose). It is so hard watching a really good friend go through this. She lacks family support or many friends so I try my best to be supportive. It is hard though when even her partners parents and siblings know he is abusive and suggest she leaves while she is worried about fixing things. Thankfully through work we meet regularly so speak in person. I am very aware of him checking her phone/hidden recording device so never say anything bad by text or email. I noticed when we do speak in person she leaves her phone elsewhere. He thinks I am a fan of him so has not isolated me out of her life.

It is very hard.

Hatty65 · 05/08/2025 18:13

"Sally, I love you but I can't deal with your toxic relationship woes any longer. We keep having the same conversation where I give you the same advice and you choose not to accept it. I just don't want to talk about you and Jack any more.

If you ever get to the point where you do actually leave him and you want some support let me know, but whilst you continue in a relationship that is not making you happy I can't do any more than I've done.

Let's talk about something else."

Judgejudysno1fan · 05/08/2025 18:16

Hatty65 · 05/08/2025 18:13

"Sally, I love you but I can't deal with your toxic relationship woes any longer. We keep having the same conversation where I give you the same advice and you choose not to accept it. I just don't want to talk about you and Jack any more.

If you ever get to the point where you do actually leave him and you want some support let me know, but whilst you continue in a relationship that is not making you happy I can't do any more than I've done.

Let's talk about something else."

Yes, this nice message hits the point

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