Professionally successful women who give up their senior roles to parent (thinking of Kate Forbes but the rest too)

[Fragmentedbrain]

I don't think children are really grateful for this in the long run - they lose a lot of potential connections for later life, not to mention added money and role modeling.

Aibu to think it's a mistake if it's a sacrifice?

(If you hate your job and just want to pack it in anyway that's a different thing)

Its their choice and not my business. I mean it can get a bit boring if they go all "oh look at my great sacrifice" over it.

I recently met a lady who was a paediatrician but then gave it all up after she'd had her first child to be at home with her 4 kids - she says she's not going back till they're all at secondary school. So she must have stopped work by the time she was 30 and won't go back for at least 15 years! I feel like that's a waste but obviously her choice...

Me too. Best thing I ever did.

I gave up work, fairly senior position in local government.
I didn't want anyone else having the responsibility of bringing up my kids. Or having more of an influence on my children than I did in those early formative years. Loved being a SAHM, and I think my DCs really benefitted from not being in childcare full time, and having to go to breakfast clubs, and after school clubs and holiday clubs.

My job didn't work part time - or fit round nursery hours any way.

I've never gone back - my professional qualifications allowed me to work on a free-lance consultancy basis, working the hours I wanted, once my youngest was about 8. So never had a problem doing school runs, attending school events, after school activities, school holidays etc.

I think we need to raise the bar for men and ourselves. And they need to do the same for themselves.

women voluntarily take on the primary parent role. The decision to sacrifice career is often theirs alone. Too many times have I seen threads about sahm vs working and it’s always “my salary doesn’t cover childcare”- it’s always voiced as a female issue and partners are rarely mentioned.

make it the norm for men to reduce hours as well. Make it normal for both partners to take on financial and home roles, and stop with the one earns and the other is the family support system model.

yes I know it seems nice to sack off work rather than trying to work ft and keep the home clean and kids fed. But it leaves women so vulnerable financially. If and when the relationship breaks down the roles are defined, and then we get the complaints that men won’t parent, and women won’t earn.

if men started going PT or working flexibly around families as well, employers would soon start considering those workers for promotion and responsibility.

dh is in a male dominated industry. 20 years ago all the men worked ft, and had a wife support system at home to enable them to do so. Dh told them he needed flexible working- later starts and earlier finishes around my job. It took several years of push back and “can’t your wife do it” when he left for school pick up. He was prepared to quit as my work meant he could, so they had no comeback.

now his office is still male heavy, but they have a significant number of women. Flexiworking is more normal, and no one bats an eye as long as the work is done. It can be done. My own workplace is also supportive, we have several dads who have arranged half days, late starts, or wfh around kids, as well as mums.

i really do believe the “man money, women kids” model is a big problem still and we need to change that.

I don't think it's necessarily the case the 'best job in the world' will be equally attractive to both sexes. As long as everybody has the same opportunities, it's not unreasonable to expect that certain jobs will hold vastly more appeal in general to men or to women.

There may well be a lot of men who would love to be at home bringing up their own kids; but if you see how much criticism women get for being at home with their kids, how do we think that would play out in wider society if men did the same?

Like it or not, a great many people - men and women - see women as the primary parent. It's always assumed that, following a divorce, the mum will remain the resident parent absent seriously unusual circumstances, which will have others questioning why, when they never would if a father didn't live with his kids.

I think this is a juxtaposition of grossly unfair expectations that are unfairly shoved by society on to women AND also rights that mothers assume they should automatically have over fathers.

I agree with this.

KF did not say that she was going to be a SAHM, she said she wanted to not miss any more of her child’s early years.

But I think the real point is that despite all the rhetoric, the fight for women’s rights at work etc, it is almost always the mother who makes the sacrifice and that is still seen as the ‘right’ way round.

I will preface this with saying I wasn’t super successful but I had great connections in my field and at the university. I wasn’t pulling in mega bucks though. I didn’t love my job, I’ve never loved a job and have always worked hard to not have to work. Since I was in work at 17 I have been making financial decisions with the goal of not having to work. Me and DH also are lucky when it comes to money because we made some choices that just paid off - and it was luck, it wasn’t brains lol.

I am still pretty well connected because most of my co workers are friends who I actually liked outside of work. So if my kids ever need that sneaky nepo hire, I’m sure we can work that out. I think my kids will appreciate it, they love all the fun things we get to do and all the places we get to go. Even if they don’t, I am happier now. It wasn’t really “for” my kids, it was for my sanity. I still have a job I do from home, I tutor and I absolutely love it! I think what I hated about work was having a boss. Even though my boss was great at my last job, I just don’t like working for someone else. DD obviously thinks I’m a good role model because she is always playing teachers and asking to help. To be fair she’s very useful when it comes to boring tasks like stapling things.

Mine loved being at home when they were little and do appreciate it. It wears off though I now earn well and as teens they really value that. So ideally be there when little and then get back in the game to fund holidays and iPhones.

Why would I expect my children to be grateful? And there is more than one sort of role model. And what do you mean by connections?

I did it and have no regrets at all. I really enjoyed my time with the DCs (back at work now). There are definitely trade offs - obviously I have less money and I don't have the super shiny career I might have had otherwise, but I'd do the same again. I've no idea if the DC will be 'grateful' longterm but I don't really need them to be?

Is anyone seriously making parenting choices with their kids potential future connections first and foremost in their mind?

I know a lot of women in my field who have become less professionally ambitious after having children. I think a lot of it is exhaustion. Even more is that our jobs are being made harder by financial pressures, our "good salaries" don't seem to buy us much, and that we want to see our children more and our children want to see us.

Maybe they are doing the ever Increasing rare thing on parenting the way that works for them and not by others or those who cant get out of bed without seeking permission from social media first?

Truthfully I don’t know anyone who has given up their high-powered job because they think it will be better for their children for them to do so.

I actually don’t know any stay at home mums. At all. Most in professional jobs, normal to be earning equal to or more than their husbands. Never even heard it discussed really - I know a few that went down to four days a week but all now back up to 5 after a year or two.

I think the economic argument for self-sufficiency and affording a middle class lifestyle for their families in 2025 mean it’s not really considered a viable option (in a HCOL area).

What is often discussed is the insanity of expectation, most still being seen as primary carer, domestic manager… and also holding down a full-on job. There is no time for yourself at all really.

When I gave up my job to be a sahm it was because DS was only two and very unhappy in childcare (older DD loved it I knew it wasn’t the childcare setting that was the issue) I suspected some additional needs and in the end I was right and DS really needed a parent fulltime at home. Often there are other issues in the background that cause a parent to leave their job be it a child with extra needs or an unwell elderly parent and it’s not always something you want to broadcast while you are getting your own head around things. Life doesn’t always work out the way you expect it to. Either way it’s no one else’s business

Can I ask why it was you that chose to give up your job?

did you look at other options such as both taking a step back yet still retaining full time care at home.

why is it nearly always women that choose to give up work for family? Is it stereotypes and societal expectations?

are men judged for not working more than women? Is it still seen as emasculating to be supported by your wife?

are men always paid better? If so why?

I always find it interesting that when posters talk about becoming sahm or making sacrifices for family, it always seems to be a given men will continue FT. I’ve seen so many posts where you wouldn’t even know the poster had a partner, that’s how little they factor into it.

I did it the other way round. I worked in a professional job when dc were small. Advancing up the career ladder and having a decent salary meant that when dc were in their teens I could step back from work a bit, and be there for them more.

I didn't plan it like that, but when dc were little there were lots of competent, kind and stable care options where dc thrived. However in their teens, particularly when one had mh problems, I was pretty much the only safe care option - no after school support in secondary, no 'childminder' options, and teen dc would not have relished time with elderly grandparents.

As the child of a “professionally successful woman” who was doing it before flexible working or working from home, she was miserable. I was miserable.

The only take away for me about my mother’s career was I did not want it.

There are things my husband and I cannot afford that I miss and wish I could give to my children, but I’ve also discovered a lot of cheaper and free joy in life that was completely absent from the way I grew up.

@Mustbethatquote simply because I wanted to. Financially it made more sense that it would be me as I had no third level qualifications and DH earned triple what I did so it made so much more practical sense. I totally understand what you are saying but equally the point I am making is that when a person is in that situation it’s often the heart rules the situation. Right there and then I didn’t want my child in childcare. DH thought he was doing fine but fully supported what I wanted to do. Both of us come from families where both parents worked and my dad was a stay at home parent for a long time due to unemployment rather than choice but none of us grew up with a stay at home mother so it’s not a case of it being something we had expected to happen or the norm in our social circles.

Kate Forbes must have stayed away from home at least four nights a week. How many women with young children would consider that? It’s not really like just giving up work to do more housework, it’s the difference between living with your family or living away.